Spilling

You would rhyme at some parts but it wasn't very consistent. Also, this line bugged me:

I'm dropping downdown

Don't you need just one 'down'? Or you could do,

I'm dropping down,
Down into your pit.
Your bottomless well.

I also don't like this line:

All I want is a plug
to stop me.
To leave some me in your porcelain sink

I think that you should switch them around (adjusting the sentences a little too) and add an 'of' between some and me.

My last complaint is the last line:

And for you,
I hope it rains

It sounds really cliche and kind of awkward because it doesn't flow like the rest of the poem. I think it would be best to take it out all together. 0(o.o)0

I think you have a well-thought out structure, where the lines are divided to signal specific pauses, making these singled out thoughts much more impacting.

I liked the imagery.

I agree with the first reply to this poem in that you could use onomatopoeia to a better advantage.

It is good, but I found it a little hard to follow. It is one of those poems that you have to read fast to make some of it sound right. There are a few problems, like words that should have spaces between them, and it might help to have Spilling, and Over together in one line. It was a good poem, with fine tuning, you could make it up to superb.

Metaphor. The pouring metaphor was interesting, but it's butter spread over too much bread, if you get my drift...it's not enough for this poem. I'd feel a lot better about it if you included it more subtly. Rather than centering the whole poem on that, bring it up once or twice rather than reiterating it the whole poem.

Rhyme and Rhythm. It seems too childish for me. I'm all for including rhyme in your piece, but it sticks out too much. Instead of having clauses end with the rhyming words, incorporate them more into your sentences so there's less emphasis on them. Try to remove the Dr. Seuss-ish feel from your work.

INto your PIT. Your BOTtomless WELL.
And I'M getting LOST,
And YOU can't TELL.

Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies.

One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun

Hey there,

I do agree with omgafilangi's points. However, this is a pretty good poem.

The odd rhyme scheme reminds me of Carol Ann Duffy's "Salome" in how it drips and builds. It's quite sinister. I also like the varied line lengths and unusual use of punctuation.

Apart from what omga has already said, great start - well done.

8.5/10

i like it alot. its really good.
maybe if you broke it into stanzas it would be better? But i really dont know
anyway, i like.

I don't think I can take another lie.
I'm filled to the brim and
Spilling.
Over.<---the rhythm of these first few lines seems disconnected from the rest of the poem
Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies. <--I like the rhyming here, and these lines flow much better
You've poured me,
And I cease to stop dripping <--the double negative is really awkward here
I'm dropping
downdown
Into your pit. Your bottomless well.
And I'm getting lost, <--you could remove the "and" here, it would sound a lot better
And you can't tell.
All I want is a plug
to stop me.
To leave some me in your porcelain sink.
For those days that you feel dirty
Dirty lies, in your <--I don't know about the repetition of "dirty" here... I think you could do without
pores
down on me <--nice wordplay!
In my sores.
We can't both be clean forever.
One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun
And watch that dirty skin of yours
dehydrate.
You will sponge me up
With open arms, until I'm whole.
I'll get back those parts you stole.
And for you,
I hope it rains.<---ehhh, I'm iffy about this ending. It could be stronger.


In general I liked it. The message was clear and you had some good wordplay and repetition techniques. I think though that you could incorporate the onomatopoeia (slipslipslip and such) in a much more effective way. Right now it doesn't add a whole lot and is sort of distracting. Other than that great job! I love reading your stuff