This is a little different, but it makes sense I swear!
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He's stuck inside his misery.
He's washed through pains on windowsills.
"I've come to take they hurt away!"
Hands drop, head hangs, his mind is ill.
I'll sweep him off his feet... and still,
He's dying slowly, destruction and hate.
"No more! To awaken you,
I will just call your name!"
And hope for a call,
all my own?
His feet take ground.
He wanders home.
To carry me still, if just around,
I'd rather be alone.
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Tear it up please!
I'd love to find a way to turn this into a script like poem.
(Wrote this in 5th grade...still haven't figured it out)
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I like the play on words there, pains/panes. Very clever.
Greats an image of despair through the way his hand drops and his head hangs.
In between dying slowly and destruction and hate you need some sort of word to link them together. It comes across a bit randomly here.
A tad ambiguous here, I dont think that the "all my own" works, possibly "all of my own"?
Now with the last two lines you've kind of lost me. I had most of what was going on up until then. The 3rd line by itself would make sense, I think it's jus the last one which does it.
It does make sense! And it is a little different with the bold parts and italiced bits, but it is good - if a little different. Nice work Reida.