Published February 23, 2007
Sleek and supple imperfection
The desired blotched reflection.
Hallucinating tandem thoughts
Reverie becomes sick plots
Taste turns to a tangent plea
Imprudence preening impunity
Eloquence a suede access
Affluent banter, terror, stressed
Ajar to admonish beauty as sound
A feeling that withers, that is as profound
Bade to the window, blunt yet conceived
Demising the image, and pain is relieved.
Compelled to move forward, a path that’s contrived
A competent destiny, now I’ve arrived.
*The meaning of this is to look in on a teenager from the outside and see the greatness and changing cycle. And how different that is from actually being the teenager and experiencing it. Knowing the change and feeling every second of it, the good and the bad. And then finally there's no turning back. (aka I was sort of depressed when I wrote this. lol)
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I have to agree with the above statements. Using a million figurative words to say something that could be as simple as 'she said hi' is just great, but there are so many here that it totally over-rules whatever it is you are trying to say. I say at the bottom that you had an explanation, however I did not read it. You should not have to explain your poetry...if you, being the writer, think it's too confusing to understand then it probably needs some revamping before anyone else reads it.
And of course, the punctuation thing...this seems to be the biggest problem hovering around the poetry boards these days.
Happy Editing.
WM
Your rhythm/meter is off. There is no strict pattern to it, and sometimes the couplets aren't even the same length.
Following your punctuation, this is all one sentence. Makes no sense, huh? (the article will help you out with this concept)And I'm just going to Echo 'Manda. This was vague, beautiful, but what the hell am I reading? Poetry is meant to be without explanation. You've read my poems, I think only in one have I explained myself, and that was background information. If you have to explain to someone what the poem is about, because they can't/you don't think they will pick it up on their own, toss it out and start over. Poems are self contained; there is no room for explanation. I think that gets the whole poem out of the way, pretty much. Because with out (and, honestly, even with) your explanation it just seems like lines of pretty words, its abstract. I see no action, I hear no narration, I have nothing to hold onto, no feelings to grasp. Only the last stanza really had a solid idea to it.
Punctuation should be cleaned up. Poetry & Punctuation. Have I given you this link before? Yes? No? Maybe? Anyway, look at it, because the punctuation of this is very...ew.
Sorry I couldn't have said anything better? It's pretty, but meaningless and garbled. As always, if you need help or have questions, you can PM me.
This is good. I love the diction and the rhyme, though some rhymes seem forced, like in the fourth and fifth couplets. There didn't seem to be much of a consistant rhythm, though. Work on that, especially at the end. The other problem I see is that this poem is pretty vague with all of the random emotions and thoughts presented. You shouldn't have to add an explanation in order for the reader to fully grasp the point you want to get across. Try using actual situations or more specific details instead of just random phrases. It might decrease the confusion.