Hi again, this is a play that I'm working on for a thing called New Play Festival and I came up with the idea Dream Weaver (I plan on making this a novel in the future, but that's a different story.)
So far I have three scenes complete and I hope to have it done very very soon...I haven't gone back and tweaked anything (like some character personas, or stage direction, but I do plan on doing it once I get the story out.)
So...umm here are the first three scenes, let me know if you want more.
Scene one
(Open to a black stage, slowly up red lighting until a young man is seen, propping himself up while sitting on the ground.)
Joshua
Uhh… (Looks around him, speaking in a confused tone) none of this…how could I be…what?
(Running in from off stage, the red lighting remaining on, a girl rushes, looking over her shoulder coming to a halt when she sees Joshua on the ground.)
Girl
Joshua? (She drops to her knees, gripping Joshua's shoulders, pulling him into a tight embrace) You're here? (She pulls herself away from him, holding him at arms length.) They told me that you'd never come back--they said that you'd gotten lost in that other realm... (She sniffs, pulling fully away from him, rubbing at her eyes furiously) You left me alone Joshua!
Joshua
Who're you? (He pushes himself up to his feet, dusting himself off and looking into the direction that the girl had come, footsteps can be heard in the distance)
Girl
Does it look like I stopped to talk Joshua? (She approaches him and grabs his sleeve, beginning to run off in another direction.)
(Joshua pulls away from her and takes a few steps backwards)
Joshua
What is this?
Girl
Joshua, come on! (She runs back up to him, and looks behind him) Before the Silencers come.
(Shouts come from off stage, heavy footsteps coming)
Girl
Joshua...let's go...
Joshua
I--
Girl
Don't say anything...just come with me and let me explain...even if you don't--
Voice from off stage
It’s Jezabell...and--the Dream Weaver?!
(Loud clattering, and a single man appears from off stage, carrying a large baton.)
Man with baton
Jezabell...where are the other dreamers?
Jezabell
Clayton, you know that of all the times you've come this close to catching me that you've never found out...what makes you think something’s going to change?
(More men with batons appear from behind Clayton, and other comes from behind Jezabell)
Clayton
Because we were ready for you...(he takes a steps forward) where are they?
Jezabell
Do what you need to.
Clayton(Looking towards Joshua) We won't do anything to you Jezabell; we'll just take this man...
(Jezabell gasps, grasping her chest.)
Clayton
And from that reaction he matters...is it as I heard someone say?
Jezabell
W-what? I don't know what you mean...
(The men from behind Jezabell grip Jezabell, holding her arms behind her, Clayton walks over to her, looking sideways at Joshua as he did so.)
Clayton
Is he the famed Dream Weaver?
Jezabell
...no...He’s no one.
Clayton
Hmm...(He turns towards the other guards and motions them forward.) Then you won't miss him?
(Jezabell struggles in the guard’s arms, but they hold firm)
Clayton
(To the guards) Have fun with him. (He turns away)
Joshua
Hey!
(Clayton turns around abruptly.)
Jezabell
Joshua what're you doing?!
Joshua
Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
Clayton
Than say something of importance for me to acknowledge you.
(The other guards now encircle Joshua, while Clayton approaches.)
Joshua
I don't even know who you are for me to worry about having your, acknowledgment.
Clayton
(Laughs as he says) My apologies than, Joshua was it? My name is Clayton Bagbury. (Clayton bows deeply) And I'm--
Voice
JoJo! from the air
(Joshua shakes his head as the voice speaks.)
Jezabell
Joshua, go!
Voice from the air
JoJo wake up!
Clayton
Hold him!
(the guards approach, and the stage lights flash blue for a moment before returning red, the guards stopping their approach.)
Clayton
Hold him I said!
Jezabell
Joshua leave this place, don't worry about coming--
(A guard hits her around the back of the head and she falls silent.)
Voice from the air
JOJO! Get up, or I swear to God--
Clayton
Take her somewhere--
Voice from the air
Oh my Jesus, come on now!
(The lights flash blue again, than red, blue than red more rapidly.)
Clayton
He's trying to get away--you've got to-----
(The lights flash blue once again before falling to black.)
(Stage still blacked out)
Voice from the air
You need to wake up before you’re sister walks in here.
Jezabell’s voice
Don’t touch me!
Clayton’s voice
Where’d he go?
Jezabell’s voice
I don’t kno—
Clayton’s voice
Don’t tell me you don’t know! He just evaporated?! He probably went to some secret hideout you dreamers have didn’t he?
Jezabell’s voice
(Scared, but bold) No…I don’t know where he went, but I hope he never comes back just to spite you!
Clayton’s voice
Take her somewhere before I—
(The black light suddenly becomes blue, Joshua is now lying in a bed, covers pulled over him, and he’s sleeping. A girl is sitting next to his bed, holding his hand standing up. Jezabell, Clayton and the guards are no where to be seen)
(The stage becomes normally lit)
Cestina
JoJo!
(Joshua sits up suddenly, and looks around the room for a few minutes before looking to Cestina, blinking furiously.)
Joshua
Cestina?
Cestina
(Awkwardly) Yes…
Joshua
You look just like this girl from a dream I was having…
Cestina
I didn’t think anyone could be as gorgeous as I am.
Joshua
Well she was…and the whole thing was crazy…
Cestina
Tell me about it then? Maybe it won’t be so crazy when you hear it out loud.
(Joshua swings out of bed and Cestina falls into his spot, grabbing the pillow and holding it to her nose, sniffing deep and loudly.)
Cestina
Even when you sleep you smell good…. (Sighs)
Joshua
Yeah...I make sure to spray it with something just because I know you like to smell it…. trust me my head on that pillow…ooo, no.
Cestina
You're slow.
Joshua
Only for you…
(Cestina gets up from the bed)
Cestina
So you gonna tell me about that dream?
Joshua
Well…it felt like I was there…almost as if I slipped into another world when I went to sleep. Everything was broken and messed up, red washed, at least from my point of view. I was on the ground…and then this girl—
Cestina
The one that looks like me?
Joshua
Yeah that one
Cestina
Ok what about her?
Joshua
Well…she came running in, from somewhere…and when she saw me she just stopped and starting sayin’ things about knowing me, and how I just vanished and left her alone—
Cestina
Maybe she was a metaphor for me?
Joshua
What’re talking about, I never leave you alone.
Cestina
Lately it’s been like that…
(Cestina sits back on the bed)
Joshua
Than why didn’t you say something?
Cestina
I was in your room watching you sleep, doesn’t that mean something?
(Joshua walks over to Cestina and sits down next to her, looking at her.)
Joshua
You know I just can’t be with you all out in the open…it’s
Cestina
What? Complicated?
Joshua
Yea, it’s complicated.
Cestina
(getting up from the bed) Everything’s got to be difficult with you doesn’t it?
Joshua
Wha—
Cestina
Naw, don’t even try to come up with some excuses, it’s pointless. Just because your sister doesn’t approve of me you think you’ve got to hide me!
Joshua
That’s not it Ces—
Cestina
That’s exactly what it is!
(Juliana enters from offstage)
Juliana
(to Cestina) What’s that trash doing in your room Jo?
Cestina
Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.
Juliana
You shouldn’t be here in the first place, so that’s why I’m going to talk like you’re not. (To Joshua) Anyway, get this girl out of here.
Joshua
She wasn’t doing anything-wrong Juliana.
Juliana
I didn’t ask if she was doing anything wrong, I don’t want her here. So tell her to get---out.
Joshua
No.
Juliana
(Surprised) You’d rather keep this little girl, who got Dad thrown in jail—
Cestina
He molested me!
Juliana
That’s not true! You’re a lying little loose girl who wanted someone to blame so she wouldn’t get in trouble with mommy and daddy!
Joshua
Stop!
Cestina
You’re father was a dirty old man who couldn’t keep his hands off of anything with two X chromosomes, and he hurt me!
Juliana
Yeah, that’s what you told the police isn’t it? That he touched you, made you do things that you didn’t want to? Is that it?
Cestina
That’s exactly what he did!
(Juliana begins to cross the stage over to Cestina, but Joshua stands up, blocking her.)
Joshua
She’s right Juliana.
(Juliana takes a few steps back)
Juliana
What?
Joshua
I said she’s right about Dad.
Juliana
You believe this—this—I can’t even think about what she is!
Joshua
It doesn’t matter what she is or isn’t, I’m with her…and it doesn’t matter what you think…
Juliana
Than you can leave.
Joshua
Nothing’s keeping me here…
Cestina
JoJo—
Juliana
Don’t call him that!
Joshua
Juliana! Stop being so bitter, that’s how you’ve been since he went in. You know what the hell he did to her and you’re defending him? For what? FOR WHAT?!
Juliana
Because unlike you I haven’t lost faith in our father!
Joshua
Well I lost it when he molested her!
(Joshua turns towards Cestina and holds out his hand to her. Cestina steps forward gripping his hand and than standing next to him with his hand over her shoulder.)
Joshua
I can’t say what it is about her, but I fell things for her that—
Juliana
Stop…just stop Joshua. You don’t know what you’re saying.
Joshua
Don’t I though? I mean of all the disjointed things in this world the only thing that doesn’t have the look of being in a glass of water is her…
Cestina
Why would I need to lie Juliana?
Juliana
Because you’re a hateful little girl.
Cestina
I didn’t even know you…(to Joshua) I didn’t even know him…what was my reason for saying that he molested me?
Juliana
You saw what we had and you were—
Cestina
What you had was a rape case waiting to happen.
Juliana
You little bi—
Joshua
This isn’t going anywhere…
Juliana
That’s because she’s not moving
Cestina
I won’t leave unless Joshua tells me to
Joshua
And I won’t…it’s my room.
Juliana
And it’s my house
(Silence for a minute)
Joshua
Than I guess I’ll do like I said before and leave…
Juliana
(Taking a step towards Joshua) and go where Jo? With her?
Cestina
He can stay with my family. They’ll accept him…I’m sure they will…
Joshua
Either you accept what Cestina’s saying as truth…or I’ll just leave and you can live in this bitter life you have set up.
(Juliana, looking down)
Juliana
An ultimatum?
Joshua
You can look at it like that…but I just want you to make a decision now…I can’t keep doing this, all of this. You parading around the house like nothing is wrong, like the one person we had to trust this world wasn’t a perv, and that he didn’t hurt Cestina—
Juliana
He didn’t!—
Joshua
And until you come to realize that it’s true—just make a decision…live with the truth, or be alone in a lie.
(Silence again, Cestina looks towards Joshua and he looks back towards her, Juliana turns up towards Joshua with a look of sadness on her face…)
Juliana
(Sighing) Fine then…
(Juliana steps to the side)
Juliana
Stay safe out there…
Joshua
Juliana…
Juliana
I’ve got things to do…you can come whenever you need to and get your things…
(Exit Juliana)
Cestina
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—
Joshua
Don’t even worry about it…don’t even worry.
(Fade out)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Drued is the name of the character, I didn't mean to post that much *slaps the copy button.*
Also there is a reason for her name being Jezabell
Thanks for fixing.
If I had one problem with the play, I'd say events developed a little too fast. There was no exposition, and the climax of this scene came a bit too quickly. The lines seemed rushed, as if you had a ton of plot to convey in a little bit of time.
I think this was due to the fact that Cestina and Juiliana seemed to reinact their whole falling out from the begining. If I were you, I'd let the audience figure some of it out.
Other then that, I did enjoy it. I liked the opening sequence quite a bit, it definately made me want to know what happens next. I think that:
[spoiler]Cestina really did make up her alligations about Joshua's dad, and that she is not to be trusted. But thats just me.[/spoiler] Good work!
One last thing: Your stage directions were a little vague. They should be crisp and to the point.
Whoa, whoa! 'Bit long, here! I only got through the first half of this.
In general, it's good to start off on a smaller scale. XD Just the first scene would be great. Also, if I don't finish reviewing the rest of the text by Monday, feel free to toss a few PMs my way demanding I finish it, 'cuz I've got lousy memory that way.
My first suggestion is to ditch the odd font. It's a big no-no on here, as it hurts the eyes and squashes the text a bit. Adding color to the text is also a faux pas; it hurts the eyes. Just a heads up. ^~
The second suggestion concerns your intro.
If you have to explain what the story/script is about, then you're not doing your job as a writer. The whole good-story thing revolves around a Show over Tell principle. I can understand you want to explain the storyline at the first post, but if it's good, we'll ask to see more, trust me. ^^ As a reader, I prefer to rely on natural curiousity rather than a, shall we say, artificially-added dose. Surprise is essential, and just seeing the intro rather than the actual writing is incredibly downcasting. ._." Most usually plop that at the bottom of the story...you know, just in case spoilers are involved, or you want to comment on how much you love to write cliffhangers or something.
In accordance with the above ramble, unless you're writing the back-cover of a book in advance, I'd ditch the into-thing.
The third thing I'd like to mention is your choice of name for the character/Cestina's alter-ego, Jezabell.
Erm, you do know who Jezabel was, right? XD A nasty woman from the Old Testament. Just thought I'd mention it. If you added that purposely, well, I'm all the more curious to see if it has a symbolic reverence.
As for grammar and spelling, there is little to snap at. I do see, however, that you are neglecting your commas. Commas are love! Do not dare abandon them.
To remember this, try the Law of Natural Punctuation. This law states that you place a comma where you would stop for a natural breath whilst speaking. To keep this law in place, try saying dialogue aloud as you write it. This should be especially prominent in script-writing!
But I wouldn't know, as I don't write scripts. Too dry to me. Anyway.
That's all I have for now. And be sure to chuck a PM at me, I'm sure to forget. >.>
Cheers, and good luck!
~Sumi