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notes of a worker bee

by Rianne

On the outside, looking in
watching, learinig what they do, learning so that I can too:
I like lemon, they drink lime, that is what I'll choose next time.
Every nunace, every cue--
this is what the queen bees do.
Always texting on your phone; if no-one answers, call your own.
This is what the cool ones do: watch and listen so you might too. 
but when you're all alone you know
you might be fat, you might be tall, you might hate going to the mall. 
you have better things than buzz,
no worker in the queen bees club.

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81 Reviews

Points: 1503
Reviews: 81

Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:51 am
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Pigeon wrote a review...

Pigeon here to review. :)

I like bee analogy, and the inference that the drive to be cool makes us mindless drones, and your rhythm is wonderful. There are, however, a few problems with your rhyming and your phrasing.

On the outside, looking in
This is one of the few lines with no rhyme. Why is that?
the tall ones wear flats, the short ones heels,
Same problem; why doesn't this line have a rhyme?

never state the obvious,
perfect that carefree grin.
These lines do not flow well. Your otherwise flawless rhythm falters here and makes these lines feel out of place. My suggestion would be to remover them altogether.

Always straight hair is a must, shoulder turn if you think not,
right one in to keep her out,
This phrasing is odd. Also, from 'shoulder turn' onwards these lines don't make sense.

you have better things than buzz,
no worker in the queen bee's club.
The rhyme here is weak. These are the last lines you're leaving your reader with, so you want them to be flawless and powerful.

I really like your ideas and, as I said earlier, your rhythm is wonderful and compelling. This poem has a lot of potential so I encourage you to play around with it a bit and see where you can take it.

I hope you find this helpful!

- pigeon

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92 Reviews

Points: 294
Reviews: 92

Sun Feb 05, 2012 9:53 pm
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anna91423 says...

I really like this, is cute and funny, but also had an edge of sadness that girls like this isolate the narrator and make her feel that she needs to change to fit in. Well written and very creative, also loving the bee metaphor. I can definitely relate to this, and I think a lot of ither tenns will too. :)

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss