Published September 25, 2007
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140,548 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
This poem was intriguing, and I liked how it felt shadowy. But it didn't leave me satisfied. It was disjointed, like you were just putting down random thoughts without any idea where you where going. Also some of the lines were just too straight forward and bland such as:
[Don't look away.
What a fake laugh.
You are tired. ]
Instead of just coming right out and saying it, add some imagery, metaphors, make it unique.
You should take out the rhymes. When you rhyme in a poem, it should have a specific pattern and meter. The rhymes in your poem were awkward and out of place, and it would be much better with out them!