Published September 25, 2007
Deleted
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I really enjoyed this one. It was just so entertaining! I'm not a big player of Halo 3, but I can still kind of relate to the whole addiction to a game thing. Everyone can.
Unfortunately, I only know of this Ethan guy from other comments. Maybe a quick author's note next time?
I liked this 'cause it was fun to read and different. Who would of guessed that there'd be a poem about a video game?
I agree with all issues that have been raised so far, although I did find it rather hilarious you were writing about Halo3.
I think that your use of Ethan as a reference obviously backfired, as you didn't give any indication of who he was for those who do not know he is a character from ctrl-alt-del, a webcomic. Even more so conisdering those who do know that may not know anything really about Ethans behaviour or gaming obsessions.
You seem to have made a lot of references that people aren't going to understand, though you have made it so that the playing of the game is obviously fun and addictive. Perhaps if you focused on the game itself; Master Cheif and all that? that people could be drawn in more easily, some explanation of the game, or descriptions of how you actually feel playing it would be helpful.
In the end I didn't really like this at all. I think if you pay attention to all the advice given by these other critiquers you could make something that is both interesting and meaningful to you.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
My handle is bbenedict. The addiction that I experience while playing that game is deeper than that of crystal meth. If you are still playing, then I will happily face you and/or team up with you. I look forward to losing my teeth and selling my car.
Which one? Both?
What did I figure out?
You figured it out all by yourself *claps* I thought the title would attract only gamers... I guess I was wrong.
Great, isn't that nice for Ethan. I'm so proud of him.
...Would you mind telling me what on earth ctrl-alt-del is? (And yes, I know it stands for Control+Alt+Delete. But what does that mean? He's part pf the PC key combination when you want to start your desktop window?)
Put that in, because that's one energy drink I sure haven't heard of. And believe me, I'm friends with some pretty serious energy-drink-drinkers.
Okay... Laugh at yourself for what? Being obsessed with the game? Skipping school? Some specification is mandatory here.
And take Flemzo's advice; put something in between "tomorrow" and "ha". It sounds so stupid without anything holding it together, very grammatically awkward.
Muffin
Ethan is from ctrl-alt-del.
Wired is an energy drink.
I "ha" because I can laugh at myself.
I spell it gimmi. Not a real word anyway
umm, I think this would have been better as a short story or something. As a poem it doesn't flow so well and the meaning is muddled in words that dont support each other. Maybe try this in sotry format, I think it'll be way better.
You could always work on the poem for too, which ever you perfer, but in its current state its a bit confusing. Good luck.
Or is Ethan the character from Ctrl Alt Delete an online comic about a video game freak?
Ah, yes, Halo 3. A few of my classmates didn't come to school today, which is ironically they day after the midnight release of the game. I don't think any faculty have caught onto this fact, but they will.
I'm assuming "Wired" is a drink? If so, make it more obvious. If not, it must be a Halo thing that a poor soul like me, who thrives on Guitar Hero for PS2 just wouldn't understand.
I think if you described the scenery and game play, pinpointing exactly what it is that is so "beautiful and breathtaking" (yes, "breathtaking" is one word), it would read much better. So far, all the game reviews I've read have said it's "beautiful and breathtaking". But why?
The bolded part seems to be the attitude of everyone who has an XBox 360. Again, I don't see the allure, but what do I know; I have a life. Put some sort of punctuation after "tomorrow" so it doesn't bleed together.
I believe it's either "Gimmie" or "Gimme". Either way, get rid of it. "Give me" makes you sound less... n00bish. I actually think it'd be funny if you said "pwn" instead of "own", but that's just me. I'm also assuming "Ethan" is your handle. If so, state it earlier. If not, then don't worry about it.
Overally, it was pretty good. Kind of short; you can definitely expand on it a great deal to lure me into it and make me see, "Oh yes, indeed, this is a great achievement in the gaming world." As it stands, it's kind of boring.
I liked it and my poem that i posted...inspired from Shakespeare!!! But no really, be orginal write from the heart, and find your tone for each poem if you didn't already know...Good job though!
!
This was really... weird. Weird and unsatisfying.
Now, writing about a video game can be a bad or good thing. It's not the sort of thing that you see every day, which is good, but it's also a very tricky subject to write about because you have to try to reach your audience--and not just the Halo 3 players who'll all go "liek omgg dude this rawks!" just because this poem's about their favorite game. You have to make those who are not really into Halo 3 think, Hm... I don't know about the game, but this poem makes it sound pretty cool.
Hope this helped.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
I've never critiqued poetry before, it's not really my thing. But, I think you need one from a fellow gamer. I can see you didn't follow traditional methods of poetry for this one, like rhyming every other line. I'm not familiar with this type of poetry either. But, I can see you put some feeling into it, so that's got to count for something. I don't know if you're a beginner at writing poetry or not, but if you are my advice is to stick with the rhyming poems for a while for practice. Also, (and I can' believe I'm saying this) read some of Shakespeare's work. There is not one line in any of his works that isn't pure poetry. You won't be able to write as good as him, but it'll give you some ideas of where to improve your own writing.