How would you feel,
When all you loved was gone?
When my heart is lost to you
And all I had been was slipping away.
Will you let your guard down,
Let that bitter tear fall?
I saw it, deep in the pools of your eyes
One drop was threatening to break free.
My blood soaked into the needles and dirt
My eyes fluttered, I was too numb to hurt.
Don't worry love, I'm not in pain.
I worry for you, you're not crying.
Those eyes hide tears, bitter
Yet honest.
You need to not love me,
And let me go.
I'm dying, my darling.
It's okay to cry.
You can feel sad,
That your beloved is dying.
Will you let your guard down,
Let that bitter tear fall?
I saw it in, deep in the pools of your eyes
One drop was threatening to break free.
It wasn't your fault
That I'm lying here in the dark.
The forest trip was a lovely idea!
One I loved as much as you did.
Did you choke up as I fell,
So hard on the dirt?
Let yourself go,
You can cry in front of me.
Gently you touched my hand
So sweetly, trembling, did you kiss my lips.
A tear so close to the corner of your eye
I'm so proud that you'll let it fall.
Will you let your guard down,
Let that bitter tear fall?
I saw it in, deep in the pools of your eyes
One drop was threatening to break free.
Please love, why won't you let yourself feel?
It's okay, you should when I'm like this.
Look at it this way-
I won't be able to tell our buddies... *soft laugh*
Won't you miss me,
When I'm dead and gone?
Will you shed for me one tear,
When my mind is blank?
Will you shed one drop
For the love you're soon to lose?
One tear you'll shed,
When I'm cold and dead.
Now see? You've let your guard down,
Let that darling tear fall.
I saw it, carving down your jaw.
One drop, breaking me free.
My funeral's soon, you're dressed with a tie.
You can't see how wonderful you look,
In the clothes you dreaded so much- don't worry,
I'm not asking for a dance now.
The funeral's so soon, and you're dressed with a tie.
You drove so slowly, reluctantly.
But it meant the world, you see,
All those tears you shed for me.
A very bitter sweet tale. I like how you had a repeating verse that towards the end you changed slightly to advance the story. It provides a sort of musical quality in the sense that it gives us a beat to the story that tells/reminds us of where we are and reverberates in our mind. Plus it was a well written verse that hooks us and pulls us along. I liked the character of the dying women because she was a very idealistic view of a dying person. The kind of person that was okay with death and was more worried about who she was leaving behind as opposed to the angry "It's not FAIR!" person many people seem fond of which is what gave it the bitter sweet quality instead of the annoyingly depressing one. I like.
Very long but very great. I really liked it but happier is better. I felt hooked from the beginning and never lost interest. I hope to read another piece by you. I'm sure it will be just as great. In the middle, I was wondering why you named it what you did but by the end, it all made sense. I like the idea and story behind it even if it was a little gloomy. You did great and good luck on later pieces.
Well Confictura, you certainly have a way with words.
Thank you,
-Renn
and flattery does not become you after a while. Just, say something mean already!
You'd think that I would get used to your awesome work, but it keeps on surprising me.
When you first showed this piece to me, I thought it was great, what do I think of it now? I think it's brilliantly awesome. (the CORRECT definition of awesome, not the teenager version)
I can't even express how great I think this is.
There's very little to critique...
Again, thank you!
Hey Renn!
This poem is so great and expressive. The title is so interesting and it drives me right down to the last line. Your does have a lot of length to it and I could feel the poem losing me towards the middle somewhere. But you picked it up well in the end and the drama portrayed was excellent.
I think the previous reviewers have mentioned any and all corrections to be made. But according to me, I think this poem is great just as it is
You've got talent! Keep the ink flowing, Renn!
Murtuza
Thank you so much Sassykat! I appreciate the corrections, and once I get the time (homework is wretched) I'll edit it as you see fit.
Fondly,
-Renn
*finds the magic "adore" button and clicks about seventy three times* This was SO amazing! You went on at the beginning about how it didn't have any specific scheme in it, and I LOVE it that way. That plus the few small rhymes that you slipped in here and there just added a touch...I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, just that it was incredible. It flowed just fine, and where it didn't I didn't care one bit. Some people might be nitpicky about scheme and sticking to a pattern, but in a poem like this, where the narrator is kind of DYING, I don't think you need to stick to any kind of pattern.
ANYway, enough rambling. Although I didn't mind the layout, there were a few small errors that I must point out:
That "al" should be "all".
These two lines need to be connected by more than just being in the same stanza. I would suggest something along the lines of "Don't worry, love, I'm not in pain/But I worry for you, you're not crying." or "Don't worry, love, I'm not in pain./I worry for you, though, you're not crying." Also, there should be a comma after "worry."
Hm....This bit in general doesn't want to fit in with the rest of it. 'You need to NOT? love me."????!
I don't think the comma is quite necessary here.
You probably see it already, but just in case: "tremblin" needs to be "trembling." Cowboy won't cut it.
"I'm so proud that you'll let it fall"...read it out loud to yourself, see how it doesn't quite make the right kind of sense? Looking at the big picture, he hasn't started crying yet, so maybe "I'd be so proud if you let it fall".
Just for emphasis, I would replace the comma after 'okay' with a period.
Again...ADORE.
ADOREADOREADOREADOREADOREADOREADOREADOREADOREAOERAOARDOERODADOREOADORED
D'awww! thanks! I'll correct it and thank you oh so much for pointing that out. Thanks for your time in reading this, I'll edit it.
Fondly,
-Renn
Hi there, Renn.
Woah, this is the longest poem I've ever read... I think. But reading it was definitely worth it. Your first stanza, I'd work on it to make it more interesting, remember that is the opening and it should be interesting in order for the reader to get interested faster. (Woah, lots of interesting... xD But you get my point) Other than that, you managed to make it catchy -Love the questions in between, they make it interesting-, it flows well and the subject you're bringing us, we see it a lot around, but you managed to make it different, I especially LOVE the ending... you gave it an awesome creative twist and dramatic too. 8D
Although, I have something to say: There is a typo in the first stanza; you missed one 'l' in 'All'. But that's all. XD
Keep writing!
~Solly<3