Sasha Inwood
Fifth day of the Tenth Month, 1814
I have recently joined the crew of The Rogue. The members encouraged me to keep a journal, to record the glorious adventures of the crew. Before I start, I should probably tell who I am, for the future generations of pirates who might find this. Or, in the worst case scenario, to the King of England so that I may be remembered in history.
I was born in England, a score and four years ago. I was born to a wealthy family, who educated me and taught me how to make a living. When the chance arose, my parents sent me across the sea to America to make a fortune, selfish brutes that they are. But pirates abducted our ship and threatened to kill all the ones who wouldn’t join them.
I had heard about pirates from across the sea, in the chilled North. Once, when I went down to the marketplace, I met one. He was selling expensive cloth for a low price in a tavern. I was intrigued. We struck up a conversation. I heard all about his excursions in the beautiful ocean. When I brought that cloth home, my head filled itself with majestic images. I started to sneak out each night to watch the pirates spar. I went home and tried out the moves with a stick. The pirates interested me, so when I was sent over, I prayed that they would spot our ship. They did.
So I joined the pirates. They were surprised that I was so advanced with my new, glinting cutlass. I was finally where I felt I belonged.
That’s where I am now. Mayhaps tomorrow will bring adventure.
Fifth day of the Tenth Month, 1814
We’ve been sailing over calm, open seas for a few hours now. I decided, since no one needed me on deck, that I would write another entry.
Almost right after I finished my last entry, I was fitted for some new clothes. I was given a bleached, pale blue flannel undershirt to wear, and on top, a darker blue shirt with ruffles piled up underneath my chin. They gave me loose flannel pants with wool leggings to wear underneath. They gave me a new pair of brown, soft leather boots. Then I chose a leather overcoat. It’s a little shorter than my fingertips when I’m standing straight up. It’s the only thing that actually fits me, out of all my new clothing. They gave me a belt with a large scabbard, lined with wool on the inside, with gold trimmings on the outside. I rather like it. But I’m going to have to do a lot of needlework on my other clothes.
Sixth day of the Tenth Month, 1814
We had a raid today. It is incredible, how easily the merchant ships surrender to us. I was in the raid. Some of the men looked at me with disgust. One spat on my boots. I relieved him of a few fingers. I must say, life at sea is exhilarating. It’s so much more interesting than back home, where everything has structure. I’ve realized that I’m much more respected here, with men more like me. I even believe one of the younger ones has taken a fancy to me. Interesting.
Sixth day of the Tenth Month, 1814
I was correct. The young man came to me about an hour ago, nervously messing with his buttons. He proclaimed that he had seen me hours ago, fearlessly standing up to the man who spat on my boots. I was a bit nonplussed, but I told him that we may be able to talk later. After all, the poor man was already on his knees. I regret it now, maybe in the spur of the moment I felt like I could do anything. But now the man will be a cripple for the rest of his life. Unable to support his family if he has one, and all because of me. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. But maybe, just maybe, the life of a pirate isn’t all glory like that man in the tavern told me. Just maybe…
Seventh Day of the Tenth Month, 1814
They’ve come. The government has found us. Oh, God, I can hear the cannons and the screams from the top deck still. I ran back down here as fast as I could, to maybe put in a last entry before they kill me. Maybe they will find my journal and give it to my family.
I was the first to see them, through the fog. I yelled myself hoarse trying to get someone’s attention. That’s when the first shot was fired at The Rogue. It missed by a few feet, thankfully. But the next shot hit the mast. Everyone nearly gave up then. We were done for. They boarded us. It was a bloody battle. I’m sure I caught sight of a mangled arm after fighting for a while. That’s when I got the idea to run. I figured if they got to know me a little bit after I was dead… Oh no, I can hear them. It’s silent on the top deck. I’m the last one, God forgive me, please. I see them. Please give this to my Father. Tell him-
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Well, Sasha certainly had a very short experience pirating! The story itself was really interesting, and I enjoyed the diary entry format. It gave the story a realistic feel, I guess you could say.
One thing I really want to give, is that when you write in diary format, it's much easier to express the personality of the person. I suppose it's like imagining yourself in her shoes. What was she feeling? What did she think about everything? The ability to express things via diary entry format is more expansive, and I encourage you to take full advantage of that.
Also, as this is historical fiction, I would have hoped for a more solid framework, adhering to historical facts. Sasha is a girl, and females were generally unaccepted in pirating crews.
More development concerning historical facts would help make the story feel more realistic.
The ending was really interesting too. It left a lot of room for contemplation. Did she die? Was she rescued? I found myself wondering about what would happen after. If you ever have writers block, I encourage you to create a sequel, possibly if she survived, or from another characters P.O.V. There's a lot of opportunity with this piece.
Also, I should think that impending death would cause a teenage girl to be more frantic. The last diary entry, I would have liked to see a more messy entry, to show her panic phase. Would have really set the tone.
Honestly, it was a very interesting story, and I would have liked more development of character and plot. I feel the ending came too soon, as there was so many stimuli within the story to keep it going.
But otherwise, I enjoyed this pirating tale.
Yeah, this was a school assignment, so it's not my best. We could only have 5 entries XD so I did what I could with it. Thanks for the review though, and a late welcome to the site!
This is incredible!
Great job!! 
Hey there~
I'll make this quick. I have a real fondness for stories set on the sea or containing piracy(!)/adventure in any form. It's interesting to see that you're writing this in epistolary form and I'm a sucker for recounting events in quirky format, mostly because it tickles me to see how plainly writers embellish their facts, and because epistolary novels are simple lovely anyway~
My first critique is that there is too much info-dump and not enough hook. This puts me off, and I'm sure you can do better. I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but even for an introduction, you could subtly manoeuvre the details in. I also feel like, even though it was a diary entry, there was little to no emotion displayed by the narrator. I mean--she sounds detached in her explanation of events, like she's listing them down and has no ... emotional connection to them. It's a bit bland to read through, especially because the story is conveyed to us so fast; we move on before we can really sink our teeth into it.
There are a lot of statements that are made and left alone, and if the narrator is writing for an intended purpose (such as to 'record' events) then some events should be elaborated on. For example, when the narrator calls her parents 'selfish brutes', I failed to see how they could be so, because she described them as having provided her an education and teaching her 'to make her own living'. I feel like there's a lot that's missing here, and it makes the reader ask a lot of questions, most of which are not answered. So yes--if you are inserting backstory, make sure there aren't any inconsistencies and that it doesn't read like an info-dump. Add some flavour to it. What did the narrator feel like throughout her life? What does she want the reader to feel for her? Pity? Respect? Admiration? Have her address the reader instead of giving them a lengthy history. Interact with your reader. It's simple: She's writing this journal for the future generations of pirates, isn't she? Then I suggest you play with this a little; bring some life into it.
Second, add some familiarity to the writing. Don't let it be a series of 'I did this', 'I experienced that'--no: include 'I hope to do's and 'I felt's. Sasha doesn't sound like she's had an easy life of it, and I'd imagine there'd be more emotion in her voice. Bring her thoughts out to the surface. I understand that Sasha's way of talking is most probably straightforward and laconic, but it's hard to read through it, because there's no build-up. There's no tension, no conflict, no emotions stirring at your readers' hearts.
Third: technicalities. There are some places where your sketch of Sasha doesn't quite fit the times in which she was born, aka Victorian times (this specifically being when King George III was Monarch). Women were not expected to work for their 'fortune', nor were they educated the same way boys were. Also, when you talk about her parents belonging to a 'wealthy' family, I think a lot of societal expectations placed on women should also be mentioned here. Think Emma by Jane Austen--the main character is an intelligent young woman with too little to do; she lives in a society that severely constrains her actions, and for women to be sent away to seek their own fortune is a rather ... eccentric thing to do. It would have been frowned upon in that time, and if her parents really wanted her to have her own fortune, I think marrying her off to someone rich would have been more probable/realistic. A possible option if you want to send a woman off is to sell her as a slave, but this isn't possible with the time your novel is set in, because the trade of slaves was banned in Britain in 1807. Perhaps she had family in the States? What other reasons could there be for her parents sending her off?
Besides this, pirates were hardly gentlemen in their treatment of women. I think Sasha would have a worse time of it, then, don't you? Besides this, I'm also sceptical about the progress Sasha would have made by trying to spar--on her own--and practising with a stick. How long did she practice? Who allowed her to go to the marketplace on her own in the first place, or to sneak out at night to watch the pirates? Did she dress up as a man to do this? Wasn't it risky, in a society where I /doubt/ pirates would have been seen with admiration, and more often viewed with distaste?
Then, coming back to how she was allowed to stay on the ship in the first place: What did she have to offer the pirates? What were they like? Remember that this isn't a merchant ship--it's a /pirate/ ship, and pirates are tuned to rougher situations, mostly, and they wouldn't have allowed Sasha to stay unless she had some real skills with that cutlass.
Wikipedia says:
On cutlasses, again, they're easier to master than rapiers, but a stick and a piece of metal are hardly the same thing. Also, while cutlasses could be used for hacking and cutting at various objects, like ropes, one would need to have mastered using it to a certain degree before they could stab someone with it. So Sasha would have had to be trained properly before she could handle a sword.
What the backstory is missing right now is a solid enough reason for the reader to believe in Sasha as bold, as defying the rigid rules and social order that constrained her for such a long time. The reader doesn't get any hints of her being rebellious, except for a short paragraph, and that's hardly anything to go by. Did her parents perhaps send her to the Americas to family, in a hope to quell her rebelliousness? Or had she brought some sort of 'disgrace' to their circle? Think about this, do some research, and add some 'meh' to the story. I really like what you're trying to do here, and I'm sure this could be very compelling and fascinating if you slowed down a bit and let the reader take a walk in Sasha's world. Make sure your facts are straightened out, show us how different Sasha is and come up with convincing reasons as to how she ended up on the ship and why the pirates are allowing her to participate in raids so soon. There have been a lot of female pirates in history: there's Anne Bonny and Mary Read; there's the Chinese Pirate Ching Shih who was hella rad and took over the ship after her husband died. But these women had to make their way onto the ship; they had to survive first and conquer after.
All in all, keep at this, Zhia! It's a great idea and I really want to see how you develop this, because it's fascinating and exciting and I'm sure you can do a LOT with this still. On the subject of pirates, if you want to have a slightly freer hand with this, you could always bring in a bit of fantasy. I remember reading a story about air pirates once, pirates whose ships actually flew, and a maid accidentally got tangled up in those events. She found a place as a cook on that ship, from what I remember, and slowly made her place on her ship, learning to fight and whatnot. I can't remember precisely what the story was called, but I'll tell you the name if ever it occurs to me~
Seven days is a bit fast for me. I'd really love to see you turn this into a longer short story, or even a novella/novel. The character development is a bit lacking for this very reason: it's too fast.
Owh, that ending though. D: Please keep writing this! I'd like to see more pirate-like tales from you, and poke me if you ever make any edits to this~ Besides that, I enjoyed reading the piece! I hope I wasn't too harsh, because this is honestly a lovely piece, and you can do SO MUCH MORE WITH THIS.
Keep writing! Keep up the great work!
I hope this helped~ PM me if you have any questions.
~Pomp c:
I can see that you like pirate related things from this very long review! XD
Yeah, I realized that a lot of my facts were probably wrong, but this was a school assignment. But as I started writing this, I started to like it more, and I'm considering turning it into a novel(la). So this is more of a rough draft/outline. I'll post something on your wall or something! ^_^ XD
OK, the end made me quite interested, though it's a little wrong. Here a few things I can tell you:
The last paragraph, doesn't make any sense, if he's writing this in past tense, how is he praying for someone to find his journal. Also, ending it with a "-" made me more confused, is he writing this while it's happening, and for some reason used the "-" in the end?
You also didn't say who "Sasha Inwood" is, though I'm assuming it's the main character.
That's all I can find, you should edit the ending to make it make more sense for future readers.
Thanks for the review! But, for future reference, don't tell writers that they're wrong, unless they didn't get their facts right. Some writers have stylistic flair, and telling them that they're wrong may discourage a whole style of writing! ^_^
Also, since this is a journal in the first person, I would assume that Sasha Inwood is the MC.
Thanks for the review! ^_^
(ps. she's a girl XD)
Oh, well that makes sense.