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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Volunteer's Remorse

by Renard


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

I'm kind of regretting it now.

Not the charitable type.

"Make a donation."

No.

"Participate in a fundraiser."

Fuck off,

I have better things to do.

Sounding too ignorant now.

First world arrogance?

"Don't you want to help?"

Not really to be honest.

I've got my phone.

Facebook.

My friends. My family.

"But those who don't have health..."

What about them?

They're not my problem.

Remorseful,

But not in the right way.

"Selfish."

I seriously don't care.


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56 Reviews


Points: 5524
Reviews: 56

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Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:15 pm
dianneece wrote a review...



Hi!
I like how blunt and straightforward this poem is. Normally topics like these are more lyrical and the writing is much more purple, but this was straight to the point, matching the speaker's uncaring attitude.
However, I want to point out something that didn't quite make sense to me. When the speaker is asked to donate or fundraise, one of the lines is "Sounding too ignorant now." Which I'm assuming is the point of the title, but I don't think the connection is strong enough. By titling it "Volunteer's Remorse" it makes it seem like the speaker is the volunteer and they are feeling sorry for something they did, when that's not the case. You say "Remorseful, but not in the right way." which doesn't make much sense either. I feel like this could have more explaining the exact remorse the speaker is talking about so that this poem is much clearer and understandable.
Also, I think this poem would work better without the punctuation. Right now almost every line has a pause immediately after it, so when it is read it sounds very staccato and makes it sort of monotonous. If you remove the punctuation, the way it is read sounds breathless, kind of like what people call "word vomit" and it better conveys this "remorse" you mention in the title. That's just an idea, though, you have total control over this poem.
Overall, I like the idea behind this, although it isn't very clear what the speaker is feeling. With some work, this could be a fantastic poem.
Good luck and keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.






Thank you for the review, I will keep your suggestions in mind. :)



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25 Reviews


Points: 1055
Reviews: 25

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Sun Jan 05, 2014 7:08 pm
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supernb wrote a review...



Hey BloodInkSeesFootage!
I really liked your poem :D It was so direct and brought out the message so clearly. We in today's world don't care about anyone but ourselves. Our world revolves around our phone, facebook, etc.
We don't care about others. We are too selfish, too ignorant. We have everything and more and there are kids out there with nothing. Your poem says it all.
I liked the structure of the poem. Something unique and nice.
Overall- i loved your work! It was so direct and true.
Keep up the good work! I would love to read more of your work!
--supernb





Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook