Think Like a Dude Entry #3 - Pickup Lines

Dear Book,

Josh called. Not that that means anything. Forget about it, I never mentioned it. Girls would worry about and dwell on the 'hidden meaning' behind this sort of thing. A guy would take it as it is. He called, he asked to meet me at our usual spot, I told him no. Simple.

So why am I still thinking about it?

"Hello?" a hand waved in front of my face. This pulled me out of my reverie and faced with Alex's impatience, I found myself blushing slightly. Another best friend of mine, he was used to me moping around and was my source of male perspective. I'd consulted him frequently about the current predicament, but could sense that I was starting to annoy him with my persistent questioning. So recently, during my guy thinking spout, I had decided to refrain from mentioning the 'J' word.

"You're thinking about him again aren't you?" Alex asked. Although I knew it wasn't really a question.

"No," I lied.

"You are. It's all over your face, I've seen that expression a lot recently," Alex remarked.

"What expression?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably on the grassy verge where we sat.

"This one," Alex scrunched up his face so his mouth set in one firm line and his eyes narrowed. "Like a constipated duck," he said through crumpled cheeks.
"Thanks," I said, hitting him playfully in the arm. He rubbed the area I'd struck.

"No problem."

We went back to silence. Somewhere before, I'd heard it said that when you were comfortable with someone, you could just sit in silence with them and it wouldn't feel weird. It was sort of like that with Alex, but most of the time, that was due to the fact I could tell what he was thinking.

"You know what you should do, don't you?" he continued.

I looked at him. "Huh?"

"Go out and flirt with someone else, right in front of Josh's face and see how he likes that."

"Oh how mature," I shook my head disapprovingly.

Alex shot his archaic grin at him. "I'm serious, it's what I would do. Show him you don't care and that you can find someone better than him. Someone better looking too," Alex winked. I hit him again.

"Josh was good looking," I replied defensively.

Alex looked wryly at me. "Then you have 'interesting' taste. By which I mean shallow," he confirmed. "Josh was one of those pretty boys, you want a real man."

"Since when did you qualify to give such advice?" I bit my lip thoughtfully. Since Alex had been out with nearly every girl in our year.

"I am a master of seduction. In order to snag the good ones, you must know how to speak the language of love," he was going into Wise Owl lecture mode. He had only done this once before. (When he was trying to assure me that Josh was an arse; and provide all the reasons why I was better off without him.)

"French?" I asked.

"No." He looked disappointedly at me. "What's your best pick up line?"

"A what?" I replied.

"Pick up line, you know, how do you attract the opposite sex when you talk?"

I remained silent whilst I considered the question. Truthfully, I didn't attract them. At least not with my conversational skills.

"I don't use pick up lines." And I didn't know any girl who did. Must be a guy thing.

"Well you should. Might improve your fortunes. Okay, so say I wanted to chat you up right now, theoretically," he added, holding a hand up in front of my face to enforce his point.

"Of course," I nodded.

"I would say something like: hey, there's something wrong with my phone." He paused. I looked at him expectantly. Was this supposed to wow me? I didn't get it. Alex rolled his eyes as I stayed silent.

"You're supposed to bat your eyelids and say 'oh really'," I had never heard Alex use a 'girl' voice before. Imagine a whoopee cushion talking and you've got it.

"Sorry," I cleared my throat. "Oh really?"

"Much better, so yeah, it doesn't have your number in it," he finished.

Now I'm not sure whether it was the gap in his delivery or me just being an idiot but I still didn't understand. "Oh, I give in. You are a lost cause, I give in," he threw his hands in the air somewhat dramatically and I laughed at him.

"That was the worst pickup line I've ever heard. You didn't even compliment me!" I objected.

"Guys don't do compliments unless there's something in it for them," Alex corrected me.

"I don't get this!"

"Well, if a guy knows he's going to get something by saying, oh I don't know, your tits look nice, then he will. But otherwise, what's the point?" he shrugged.

Words were beyond me at this point. "How could any guy possibly think 'your tits look nice' is a good compliment? It's just pervy. If I said the outline of your cock looks nice, how would that make you feel?" I demanded.

Alex smiled at me before replying.

"Very pleased, because it's the most accurate thing a girl has said to me in months."