Published December 3, 2013
Right, so someone requested that I write a nice, sloppy love poem in dedication of their amaze-balls being. And I proudly present the finished product. I call it: Sonnet #69.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No I won’t, because you’re hotter than that.
Thou art more lovely and more temperate,
Unless I manage to wind you up again.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May;
But I’ll hold you tight to stop you blowing away.
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date,
Although I will try and keep you forever.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
I could look into your hot blue eyes for hours.
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
Maybe not gold? I love your smooth, pale flesh.
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
Though you’ll always be perfect to me.
By chance, or nature’s changing course untrimmed;
The future’s uncertain but I’m happy here now with you,
But thy eternal summer shall not fade.
You’ll always be beautiful to me, symmetrical face,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
And to you, you know, I literally owe my life.
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
That selfish act I promise I will not commit.
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st,
As we get to spend more time together, meet;
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see.
Here lies testament of my feels for you,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee;
You’ll read this and know my love is true.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Alright so I happen to love the original sonnet, I have it memorized and everything. So you've got a tough critic. But I must say, I love the concept of this. What a brilliant idea - reading in between the lines of a Shakespearean sonnet and expressing what it means to you personally, as it reminds you of your significant other.
That's cute that your lover inspires you to live, the idea of eternal summer is something that is the heart of this poem.
I had to perform Sonnet #18 in an acting audition and I did the same sort of thing mentally, I applied it to a guy I knew to in my head and spoke the words to him. This is what appreciating poetry is all about, so I thank you for putting it down on paper.
However I have mixed feelings about the jump from Shakespeare to casual language each lines. It is certainly interesting. It shows how Shakespeare still connects with the modern wold. However it leaves a fairly strange read. But strange isn't necessarily bad.
Yes, I enjoyed it. And yes, I have plenty of comments and things that just didn't settle right with me.
"Unless I manage to wind you up again." Do you mean irritate? I don't know, I just found that line awkward. I think it can also mean something dirty, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it seemed out of place from the rest of the poem.
"But I’ll hold you tight to stop you blowing away." That line just seems like bad grammar. How about "But I will hold you tight so you won't blow away." or "I'll hold you tight to stop you from blowing away."
I liked the added anti-suicide plot, I found it very romantic. Romeo & Juliet can eat it
"Maybe not gold? I love your smooth, pale flesh." The line came across as humorous. But the contradiction kind of ruined the symbolism. I was thinking something like "You shine still. I love your smooth, pale flesh." In the original poem the point is that the girl is fairer than the sun. So it's ok to contradict the gold of the sun, the point is that it does not dim. So maybe making a moon reference would fit your special person? Silver, not gold but forever shining...never dim.
Anyway, I found this intriguing and I think the person you wrote this for will be very pleased with the result. I'm a bit nit picky, the heart of this poem and your creativity is beautiful...it's very touching. It shall warm your eternal summer's heart. <33
Beautiful!
I get why you wanted me to read this BloodInk! It's perfect! A flawless piece of art done to perfection! This is what (I think), this site is all about - and that is to give those talented in the liberal arts, such as you, a chance to show their work, potential and ability! Seeing as I am still very green at poetry reviewing, I will not chance to point out anything which was not to my liking (chief reason being there is none). And Sonnet 69. How apt. How appropriate. I love the double-entendre.
I thought your writing skills were good, and then I saw your poetry. Dumbfounded.
Brilliant job.
Aww...wow. This is THE MOST FLATTERING REVIEW I have ever had. Thank you so much. Really glad you liked it.
Hehe, my reaction was - *press follow button. You're welcome
This one reads with a flow. The stark combination of Shakespeare and modern day world language gives it an individuality.
I am a literature student, so even though I am not a huge fan of shakespeare, I am very peculiar about people spoiling a great work in the name of modernization. I was a little skeptical when I saw the piece initially, especially the description, but I'm very happy I gave it a try.
I'm really happy I read this one. Keep up the amazing work.
I really like the quirky and whimsical nature of this poem. The way you've written between the lines of Shakespeare's sonnet with entirely 21st century language - e.g. "So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see./Here lies testament of my 'feels' for you". Somehow, this stark contrast works in a way that really brings out the "sloppy love poem" as you put it. I especially like how the added lines actually begin to reflect the emotion in the other lines as it gets to the end, as if the original sonnet changed the thoughts of the poet in the end.
Just what I needed, thank-you.
Mith
It is truly beautiful!! You are talented, and managed to pull of the soppy love stuff well! Plus, adding in the Shakespeare elements didn't make it any less amazing!!
I absolutely love it!
Oh wow, this was very interesting. I honestly did enjoy it. I love the whole Shakespearean feel to it. I found it to be quite an intense piece of writing. I would enjoy to read more pieces such as this. You are a good writer. Keep it up.
This is soaked in cheese.
Which is totally the point! XD
Glad you liked it
I absolutely adore the sense of Shakespearean surrealism and sappy over-romanticism in comparison with the blunt, and somehow better, realism of our world. You did a great job writing this, though I must admit I laughed a little bit because of the line "Maybe not gold? I love your smooth, pale flesh." It just came across as so brutally honest and it instantly became my favorite line. Please write more like this! I love this style and you do an impeccable job at portraying it!
~ElectricSkies
Wow! This is the loveliest review I have read.
Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it and yes, I will try and write more like this in the future. -hugs- XD
Bwah ha ha ha ha. What word is this even supposed to be? "Art" there, but keep the "ow'st" because it's so ridiculous.*
Two things here. One is the repetition of the word "hot." It's funny the first few times, but after that grows a little stale. The second is... I'm assuming the "gold complexion" here is the sun? And she's pale right? This section here was a but muddled, and I've noticed others commented on this section here. Maybe clarify.
While you do say that this is a "sloppy" love poem, I don't think it should be this sloppy. These two sentences here are nonsensical. Of course, I haven't actually read Shakespeare's Sonnet 18, so I might have missed something with the "fair to fair" analogy there, but... I don't know. I suggest you revise these two phrases.
Overall, I must say, I was a little disappointed. This was over the top, yes. But not over the top enough for me. Mostly because, aside from comparing her to summer, wind (O_o, btw) and the sun, this is mostly devoid of imagery. Not sure how cheesy you wanted to make this, but I know I can think of some really, really sappy metaphors/similes. I would have liked to see more of those in here. They sort of give a poem a more "classical" feeling to those of us who are not as familiar with Shakespeare. For example:
"Thy eyes shinneth with all thy wondrous glow
like the glittering gold
of a robber's gold tooth."
Etc. Fruit is good too. Oftentimes largely inappropriate, but hey. It would be hilarious if you threw durian and oranges in there somewhere. (Mostly because, hey, if you can make up "owst" certainly a rhyme for "orange" shouldn't be too difficult.
Anyway, I digress.
Love and all, bah humbug. I do not believe in such a petty emotion of the peasants. I also do not believe in spamming all your followers in order to get this featured. Grrr. (
~ED
*I then proceeded to do a google search to educate myself on that there word. Shakespeare done wrote it, I found. Oh, that must mean it's a word! Heh, not. I guess it means "you owe" or "you possess," and hey, we all know he didn't cheat by making up words that no one actually used, right? (Ahem ahem, Assassin...) So anyway, ignore that comment. Although "owe" doesn't really fit there, I must say.
Thank you for providing such refreshing feedback. The detail is helpful. It's also interesting you think this is written about a 'she'.
Well, I was wondering about that. I gave up wondering about that though, and just assumed.
No worries. Again, thank you for taking the time to review. It would be great if you 'like' it for me please? XD
hi, I'm bee
i certainly don't have a dirty mind, it's hard to keep it that way, what's with "69" ?
someone tell me you also wanted to ask that. Shakespeare is one author that is very confusing to me but with this i could enjoy his legacy. it's so funny and free minded, i enjoyed this thoroughly, good one, extra like on your work!!!
Am I allowed to make a dirty joke? No, I probably shouldn't... It was really good! You ripped off Shakespeare and that's absolutely amazing. My mind is full of bullshit, so I'll end it with this.I wish I had gold skin.
very nice
Sphealwithit here....
This is a really good mix of old and new
Shakespeare that is easy to read I will take that any day. It actually made me lol a bit which is pretty hard to do just from reading something
soooo keep up the good work
Sphealwithit out
Shakespeare! Cool! :L
I love how you put you own interpretation into this :3
I actually found the first too sentences quite hilarious.
I read them and was like "mmmm yes I am hotter than that" lol
Keep writing! This is quite entertaining and made me laugh!
THANKS FOR THE GOOD READ ^w^
Well personally, I love this work.
And I would love to see at the top spot.
It is a completely honest work.
Yes I have plagiarised Shakespeare and here I am acknowledging it, but really...
I like to think of it more as an archaic collaboration, as he helped me express something very important about someone I love. ♥
Cheers Billy. XD
Sonnet Number 18, by William Shakespeare. I knew that off the top of my head. Ironically, I used that sonnet in a poetry anthology. I do have a few things to say about this piece.
You need to give ol' Will some credit here. Not many people would recognize this as Sonnet Number 18, although it will "remind them of Shakespeare" So you need to include credit. I noticed in the description you said it was Shakespeare, but I had to go to the poetry tab to see the description. You need to include The name of the poet and the name of the poem.
Okay. Now that I've said that. I loved what you did with this. You really captured the best of both worlds (quite literally). You jump from modern, to Shakespeare. The contrast between the two worlds was executed exceedingly well and I applaud you for that. The rhythm was excellent. The grammar, spelling and wording was awesome. I also thought this was funny. You go from uptight undying love of Shakespeare, to describing a hot guy at some points of this. It was humorous, but also touching. So good job, keep writing.
Nice. Reminds me of a movie, Romeo & Juliet. It's cute:) Good words and punctuation.
Here lies testament of my feels for you,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee;
You’ll read this and know my love is true.
- Feels sounds weird, but maybe it's just me. ( Fellow reviewers, what do you think?)
Overall, amazing job. Keep up the good work!
~Brittany
Yay! Please please please 'like' it for me too.
Take that you fiend! to review,
This is a realy nice work, interposed beutifully with one of my favroute* shakespeare sonnets! I do feel you have missed out on punctuation, because this could help mirror the sonet with your poem, and also increase the rhythm and flow. Another good point is the rhyme system, almost free fall, but best of all it helps wrap up the final line, which is in opinion the most important line of a poem. it is a nice length for this poem, alowing for repetition, but not droning. (you didn't have much choice in this aspect on reflection, it being twice as long as a sonnet). My favroute* line was the last, for previously mentioned reasons. However my least faveroute* was
"Maybe not gold? Don’t get a tan! We’ll both stay pale."
because it was totaly missing the point, like you were listening to the poem, droped of, and only heard the last line and wrote the next from that.
May the hair on your toes never fall out,**
Take That You Fiend!
*I can't spell.
**Hobbit quote
To keep the hair on my toes from falling out, could you 'like' this work please. XD
Your wish is my command.