Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Realistic

E - Everyone

No hands

by Renard


I can feel myself slipping

And I like it

Sliding down the narrow way

No hands

Stop trying to pull me back

I am gone

It won't work anymore

Let's quit pretending

Choose a side


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
413 Reviews


Points: 11009
Reviews: 413

Donate
Sat Jan 18, 2014 3:43 pm
View Likes
Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there! Cailey here with a review as promised. :)
So I decided to read this one because I liked the title and saw that you didn't have tons of reviews already. So I hope this'll help.

I like the image that this poem placed in my mind. I can see someone sliding, and I like how you don't specify because the reader can imagine whatever situation he wants. (I just finished reading 13 Reasons Why, and I can imagine the main character, Hannah, writing this poem, but I can also think of friends I have that share similar sentiments.) Basically, you leave it up to the reader to apply this to his or her life in whatever way will be most meaningful, and I think that's really cool.

Along with that, I like how the title connects to that idea of the speaker just not even wanting to try anymore. It's like in the title you show a picture of someone just throwing his or her hands in the air and giving up.

The last lines are a little too ambiguous, though. (I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use...) There isn't enough around them or in them or something, but it just makes me confused. Is the speaker telling the reader to choose a side? Or is the speaker saying that he or she needs to choose? And "let's quit pretending" is also not explained enough. Give a little more information about how those two lines connect to the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, great job! I hope this review was helpful.
Cailey






It was a helpful review.
Thank you. :)



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 7415
Reviews: 117

Donate
Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:08 pm
View Likes
Sapi wrote a review...



Hey there Bloodink and happy World Cup!

I like the ambiguity and concise manner of this poem- on one hand it is purposefully vague and applicable to many situations, and on the other it has very few words/lines but conveys a meaning, or feelings to the reader. Good job with that!

I understand you may not like using punctuation, and I think in the first six lines it's perfectly fine without any, but the last three lines don't quite flow properly or make sense with one another, so perhaps some punctuation could help out there:

It won't work anymore

Let's quit pretending

Choose a side


Some suggestions (by no means the only ways of adding in punctuation) are to add in a full stop or a comma after "anymore", a dash after "pretending" and a full stop at the very end, after "side".

Otherwise there's not much more I would change without changing your style, which I like. Great writing, and happy reviewing!

~Sapi




User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:02 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmyjake here to give you a review.

One of the most difficult things to do on this website, I think, is to review poems. I am best at reviewing punctuation and proper spelling, but in a poem, it is however you want.

This poem could be interpreted from many viewpoints. It could be seen from the religious viewpoint. Slipping away from God. Choosing a side. Good and evil, etc...

Now does the person have no hands? Or are no hands trying to stop her/him from whatever he/she is trying to do? If you are trying to confuse people, you have succeeded! ;)

She is slipping down, and she likes it. She starts to slide down into the narrow way. She isn't trying to stop her fall. People reach out and grab her, trying to stop her from falling. But it isn't working. She has to choose a side. But a side of what?
I am sorry if this seems like a poor review. To me it just seems like I am just rambling on and on.
Whatever you think of my review, I hope it helped somewhat.






It's a little bit random, but in its way, helpful. XD
Um... if I explain it, the magic will go.
So I will leave it up to your imagination. ;)



timmyjake says...


Yep. Leave it up to my imagination, then. xD



User avatar
433 Reviews


Points: 13351
Reviews: 433

Donate
Sun Dec 01, 2013 7:22 pm
View Likes
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



O.K. When I saw the title this is definitely not what I expected. It has a sort of childishness (I like words my spell check doesn't know), which is reflected in its length and the length of lines. The ddialogue also, "and I like it". Whilst reading I had this mental image of small children playing on a slide, and was suddenly shocked into adulthood by the frank, grown up statement, "choose a side."
Hope this helps.






Truly one of the most interesting reviews I have ever read. A unique take on a unique work. Thank you for the feedback.





Thank you, come again.




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451