Published December 24, 2013
Living with the oppressors
Never fun
For the oppressed
One way, have it all
The other have nothing
Watch me fall
Watch me fall
I refrain
Too much pain
To get up again
Long sleep
No solution
No hope
I'll take the morphine
Until my mind revisits
Watch my fall
Watch my fall
I refrain
Too much pain
To get up again
Long sleep
Start looking hopeful
That's the drugs
Stripped me of myself
Who is that again?
Watch me fall
Watch my fall
I refrain
Too much pain
To get up again
Long sleep
I need a long sleep
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140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I really like this poem; I think it has loads of potential. The repetition used is really effective as the feeling of the entire poem really sticks to the reader. The emotion of feeling hopeless, giving up. It looks like it's the point of view of a depressed person
"Start looking hopeful
That's the drugs
Stripped me of myself
Who is that again?
Watch me fall
Watch my fall"
I think that this is my fave stanza mainly because it is self explanatory. The way in which you spoke of the drugs, really pulled at my heart strings. People go through so much and nobody notices really how fucked* up things really are.
*excuse my language
This poem really effected me.
Great JOB!
The only thing I would say is really go for complex poetry now, complex language really enhances the complexity of the person whom of which is speaking the poetry.
Pen here with a review~
This is beautifully written, honestly.
I see no problems with the poem, and the repetitiveness makes it almost seem like a song. This is so well written that I can feel the emotion and the feelings in the poem.
I really do think that this could be a song. It's wonderful.
Honestly.
Good job and keep writing!
~Pen
This poem, I have to say,really compels the reader to feel the sadness and depression of the character. Right from the beginning, it narrates the state of his devastation so strongly and the poetic nature of your words hit the readers so hard and it is all so very quick!
" Stripped me of myself "--This line makes the poem so "realistically dramatic"; it jumps to a whole new level of emotions.
But if I would have to be a little critical about your work here; I would say that the word 'way' certainly is not the best choice of words for the 4th line of 1st stanza.The word 'refrain' may also sometimes confuse the reader. But it nevertheless makes sense. Oh! And you could have used some more "strong words" out of your vocabulary to make it more intense. The rest is all good!
"
Watch me fall
Watch me fall
:
:
Watch my fall
Watch my fall
:
:
Watch me fall
Watch my fall "
This valuable "pattern" that you have incorporated throughout the poem is remarkably excellent.
Great work! Congratulations on that!
Although sad, this is a great work of art! The way you carefully organized these somewhat simple, dreary words is perfect. Keep writing, always!
Perfect review. Thank you.