Published April 14, 2014
Cover floors
With passion with passion
Fruits and flowers of her desire
She's quite erratic actually
Don't know what she's saying
Doesn't care to seek approval
Holding on to the thing she really wants
And letting go when
The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again
And we all love it when it ends
When that happens
And then we get to start
all
over
again.
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Hey there!! Bitter here to give you a review! Let's get started!
I really like this poem. It's a bit vague, but I love the format. The only citicism I really have is as follows:
"Holding on to the thing she really wants
And letting go when
The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again
And we all love it when it ends
When that happens"
I feel like this should be rewritten as:
"Holding on to the thing she really wants
And letting go when
The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again
And we all love it when it ends
When that happens"
I suggest this change simply because if you read all your other "stanzas" ( the steps in your staircase format), they all form complete, related thoughts. These two stanza are somewhat hindered in flow by this awkward transition. However, this is only my opinion. Overall, loved it!
Great work!!
Never quit writing!
~BitterRosemary
sorry I did reformat this to put a a tab before line 4 instead of line 3, but my devil computer auto corrected it. sorry
Hi boo!
A quick nitpick:
I don't like the repetition. Perhaps try on "with passion to passion"?
Okay, so I think I like this best out of all your works. (Also how did you master the publishing center?! O__o teach me)
But seriously, this was really good. While I do like the fancy formatting, I do think that your poem would be stronger if the short one lines were combined. I know you're trying to put emphasis on them and give this a more dramatic feel, but it just doesn't feel right, y'know? Maybe it's just me, but I think this would be stronger and have a smoother flow if combined and united.
I can't say I really understood the message behind this, but either way, it was still a beautiful poem. Your imagery could be a bit better, as it felt rather lax in this, but nonetheless this was still good. It may have not been completely always there, but the imagery you did give us was nice and pretty and enjoyable.
Hope that helps~
Hey Cesare here for a review,
I love how this poem is formatted. I suck at formatting poems. I also like the word choices! Now I must commence to nitpicks.
1)
I feel as though if you wrote it like this: These lines don't seem to flow well together, I think you should've indented the line that begins with fruits.
This was a very good poem, I really like it,
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia