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12+

Face Scratch

by Renard


Cover floors

With passion with passion

Fruits and flowers of her desire

She's quite erratic actually

Don't know what she's saying

Doesn't care to seek approval

Holding on to the thing she really wants

And letting go when

The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again

And we all love it when it ends

When that happens

And then we get to start

all

over

again.


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46 Reviews


Points: 335
Reviews: 46

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Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:10 am
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BitterRosemary wrote a review...



Hey there!! Bitter here to give you a review! Let's get started!
I really like this poem. It's a bit vague, but I love the format. The only citicism I really have is as follows:
"Holding on to the thing she really wants

And letting go when

The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again

And we all love it when it ends

When that happens"

I feel like this should be rewritten as:

"Holding on to the thing she really wants

And letting go when

The fingers grip too tight and it's gone again

And we all love it when it ends

When that happens"

I suggest this change simply because if you read all your other "stanzas" ( the steps in your staircase format), they all form complete, related thoughts. These two stanza are somewhat hindered in flow by this awkward transition. However, this is only my opinion. Overall, loved it!
Great work!!
Never quit writing!
~BitterRosemary






sorry I did reformat this to put a a tab before line 4 instead of line 3, but my devil computer auto corrected it. sorry :(



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933 Reviews


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Reviews: 933

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Thu Apr 17, 2014 3:05 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hi boo!

A quick nitpick:

With passion with passion


I don't like the repetition. Perhaps try on "with passion to passion"?


Okay, so I think I like this best out of all your works. (Also how did you master the publishing center?! O__o teach me)

But seriously, this was really good. While I do like the fancy formatting, I do think that your poem would be stronger if the short one lines were combined. I know you're trying to put emphasis on them and give this a more dramatic feel, but it just doesn't feel right, y'know? Maybe it's just me, but I think this would be stronger and have a smoother flow if combined and united.

I can't say I really understood the message behind this, but either way, it was still a beautiful poem. Your imagery could be a bit better, as it felt rather lax in this, but nonetheless this was still good. It may have not been completely always there, but the imagery you did give us was nice and pretty and enjoyable. :) Overall, this was really good, and well written. I adore it so. Thank you for sharing.

Hope that helps~




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 12:50 am
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CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hey Cesare here for a review,

I love how this poem is formatted. I suck at formatting poems. I also like the word choices! Now I must commence to nitpicks.

1)

With passion with passion


I feel as though if you wrote it like this:
with passion,with passion

As a way to convey your thought. Just an opinion.

2)
Fruits and flowers of her desire

She's quite erratic actually
These lines don't seem to flow well together, I think you should've indented the line that begins with fruits.

This was a very good poem, I really like it,

Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda