Hi there,
First of all, this poem is does have a good sound. You've picked some good word choices and, even though your fluency is bumpy - for example a lot of lines that follow on from each other don't make sense, it comes off the tongue quite well, not really tripping you up.
However, I do have some ways in which this could be a lot, lot better.
It's not uncommon to see a poem playing with the concept of death, which is why it's a shame to see you tackle it vacantly. Death is personal to each and every person, which is why we've been discussing it for hundreds upon thousands of years in different forms. Therefore when a poem is written about it you need to a) really, really engage with the idea - what are you feeling? This is not covered here, at least not clearly, and b) be effective and/or thought-provoking.
This poem is quite disconnected from the ideas you show. For example, if we're going back to-and-fro, what does that mean? Are we swinging in and out of routines? And who says we're doing so "willingly"? As a reader, from the off, I'm struggling to understand.
Equally, your ending lacks effectiveness. This is mainly because of your idea of saying "life's not a present", "it's not a gift", and then you don't really go anywhere with it... if it's a right instead, then what does it matter if we "waste it"? Surely it is better to waste a "gift"? Also, what is meant by "Your soul will not lift"? If it's religious, how come we don't get any hint towards this earlier on? You need to build up something like that. The image is also unclear for the same reasons. It seems a little like it was a throwaway line to merely rhyme with the "gift" in the line a couple previous. That's a bad idea as your last line is often the most effective!
There's other examples where I'm not sure what you mean too. See what Matthew says below as he's spotted some key ones.
Coleridge, the great English Romantic poet, once said, in a manner of words, that one looks at nature and, through the poet, transforms it into words. His suggestion was to engage with the world around us. That's the main problem with this poem - engagement! If you don't, how can the reader?
Keep writing! The more you do, the better you'll be. Try reading around some poetry too to get a greater sense of the genre.
Best,
Ben
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Reviews: 411
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