Twilight A Parody
[The curtain raises and we see Bella alone in the woods standing in a clearing under the light of the sun dark clouds roll by covering the sky for only a second, then we see person approaching Bella]
Bella: Edward is that you?
[Edward appears beside Bella, his eyes look like rivers of gold in the sunlight]
Edward: Yes my love
Bella: About the accident it was nothing…with my party last night
Edward: It was nothing tonight, but it could have become something much, much worse, Bella you can’t be around me anymore.
Bella: Yes, you do, I love, you, and you love me you said you would keep me safe!
Edward: Doing this will be keeping you safe, I have to go Bella, I will stay in your life, but it will be as if I never ever loved you, and as if we were never together, we’re over Bella
[A look of shock and depression comes over Bella tears make her eyes look glossy but they still don’t fall from her eyes]
Bella: So…you...you’re breaking up with me?!
[Edwards face stays straight as her eyes grow red from fighting back the tears]
Edward: No, Bella, it’s not like that, well actually it is I, uh ya I am breaking up with you, I was thinking about breaking up with you via text, but I thought that’s usually what makes really angry, stalkerish and weird…well weirder and more clingy than you are right now if it’s even possible anymore.
Bella: Why…Edward doesn’t go, it says in all of the twilight books that you would love me forever, Stephanie Meyer says so!
[Edward sighs and he looks a bit irritated and pained all in the same expression at the same time]
Edward: Oh my god, all of the girls say that gosh, I have found someone else that I love more than you, someone that I will love forever.
Bella: Edward please, Edward don’t do this, I’ll stop trying to take my clothes off and make out with you all the time!
[Bella grabs his arm and hold on to him, Edward puts a cold hand on hers]
Edward: Bella, the person I love now…looks amazing with their shirt off, they are so hot, and your…human and…so not, I have to go now.
[Bella cries small tears streaming down her face Edward kisses her forehead and runs off]
[Bella crumbles to the floor curled up in a ball and dramatically rolls down a hill and into a tree in her trademark yellow raincoat]
[The curtain closes and re opens to reveal the meadow in which Bella and Edward would lie down in, but that was before Edward dumped Bella, Edward looks towards the trees, obviously trying to find someone.]
Edward: Jacob is that you?
Jacob: You bet Goldie
Edward: What no derogatory mean names or rude comments, Puppy Boy?
[Jacob grins and laughs, it sounds like a dog barking]
Jacob: You know I’m just pretending so everyone including Bella thinks that we absolutely hate each other. Man we really put on a good show didn’t we, no one even suspects we are in love, but we have to tell our parents sometime, but they will never let our love blossom, all because of you know why Eddie…
[Edward frowns and furrows his eyebrow]
Edward: Don’t say it Jakie, don’t go there –
Jacob: Because… you are a vampire and I am a werewolf and our kind will not get along.
[Edward looks at Jacob and sighs again with his emo, moody self]
Edward: I thought you were going to say the fact that we are…you know the G word…
Jacob: You mean Great?
Jacob: Going Green?
Edward: no that’s not it either
Jacob: um what other words start with G.um…Grand?!
[Edward rolls his eyes and slaps his forehead in frustration]
Edward: The word is gay honey gay gosh darn it!
Jacob: oh ya ha-ha I knew that
Edward: Oh crud I have to go and help Alice pick out my wardrobe tomorrow…she got all of her fashion advice and savvy from the one and only fashionista...me…being 105 has its perks.
[The curtain closes and we see Bella at her kitchen table with her head in her hands and her father Chief Charlie Swan across from her pulling out his rifle and wiping it down with a cloth]
Charlie: Bell’s what’s wrong?
Bella: It’s Edward; he dumped me, for someone else
Charlie: That son of a you know what, did he hurt you in anyway?
Bella: Yes, I’m emotionally it feels like someone stole my heart, I’m going to start screaming at night and seeing visions of Edward because I’m going to have a full blown mental and emotional meltdown.
[The unshaven Charlie with his hill billy mustache who looks like he has had one too many beers]
Charlie: Well Bella, I can go shoot him if you like, I never liked that Edward kid anyway
[He snaps his gun cartridge into place and points it aimlessly looking through the eyehole and putting it back down again]
Charlie: And maybe while I’m at it I should shoot myself so I don’t drive myself crazy while you have your mental meltdown. What about Jake?
Bella: He left me too he says he doesn’t want me near him anymore, and that he doesn’t love me anymore, I should have let him get killed in Eclipse when he ran into battle angrily!
Charlie: Well I guess you are SOL darling-
[Charlie slumps over in a drunk sleep]
[Curtain closes and then reopens showing Edward talking to Carlisle and Esme in his living room, he is only a few feet from the front door]
Edward…But I love him!
[Edwards’s eyes blaze with anger and sadness]
Esme: Honey you know why you can’t be together
Carlisle: It’s because he is a werewolf and you are a vampire and you know it, and among other reasons! Our final answer is no. I love you son but I can’t let you do this.
[Edward sighs dramatically opening the door to the house]
Edward: Fine then I will get the Volturi to kill me then since you will not let me be with the love of my life!
[The door slams like a cue for the closing curtain, the curtain re-opens showing Edward in front of the Volturi’s lair, his eyes are closed and his shirt is on the ground next to him his arms are up in the air melodramatically, and then he puts a cell phone to his ear]
Edward: Hello, Jacob this is me Eddie leaving a message on your phone, just FYI, BTW I will b like trying to make a suicide attempt this afternoon so ya, if you love me and would like to make a dramatic save then like send me an RSVP email to my Crackberry. Luvs ya byes baby hugs!
[Edward keeps standing there not moving, some people mistaking him either for a statue or a homeless guy, the curtain closes and re opens showing Jacobs home where he is sitting at his kitchen table across from his father, Billy Black who is in a wheelchair]
Jacob: Why can’t I be with Edward, he is the love of my life dad!
Billy: No, I don’t like this one bit.
Jacob: Your Gaycist dad! OMG Edward is going to go kill himself today at noon! I have to go fly to Italy I better go get my dog crate, and go to the vet and get my Parvo shots.
[Jacob runs out of the house grabbing his dog crate putting it in his teeth, shifting into wolf form and running away, the curtain closes and opens showing Edward in front of the Volturi’s Lair with Jacob running towards him from one direction and Bella from another]
Jacob and Bella: Edward no!!!
[Edward gets attacked by a mob of people while Jacob runs into Edwards’s arms kissing him on the cheek.]
Edward: I love you; let’s go I knew you would come, let us run away!
Jacob: But to where must we stow away to?
Edward: Canada and that is where we will be married as well
Edward: yes Jacob Black, I promise to love you as long as I live…which is forever of course, will you marry me?
[Edward pulls out a large ring with a diamond as large as penny; Jacob has tears in his eyes]
Jacob: Yes I will, this ring reminds me of you in the sunlight!
[The curtain closes and it re opens to a small house in the woods somewhere in Canada several weeks later, the two have since married, Edward unfolds a newspaper and reads the front cover story it reads:]
Girl Goes Crazy and Jumps Off a Cliff:
It was reported that Bella Swan, of Forks, Washington is the girl that reportedly jumped off a cliff only days ago, snapping after being dumped by an unnamed boy friend. She jumped and nearly drowned being rescued from the water by someone only to have her body found on the banks of the water, completely drained of blood, a mysterious unknown , red haired woman is in question for this act. Her father, Chief Charlie Swan, was not available for comment.
[After reading this aloud Edward puts the paper down]
Jacob: Well now we know that one of our problems is solved, and we can be together with no distractions.
Edward: I love you, even though you have anger management issues and you need to shave a lot because you are freakishly hairy.
Jacob: What are you talking about honey hahaha. I love you even though you are a melodramatic/ emo/moody sparkly slab of human shaped marble.
[The two of them stare at each other scooting away from the table looking at each other with a murderous expression in their eyes and the curtain closes]