Me

I like it. Very unique and creative. The only thing that bugged me a little bit- but not a lot, was the repetitive 'I's. But other than that, I really like your poem! ^^

~Disenchanted. Out.

Great poem. Well thought out. Keep writing.

Well I appreciate it. I do admit that I rushed it since it was in a fact a school assignment with a time on it. Im not very good with time management Preaciate the feedback though. As long as its not negative I dont mind feedback

Ren, hi.

So there're a few things that aren't quite sitting well with me on this. First off, the overall aesthetic of your poem. Yes, you have stanzas broken up into six lines a piece, so it appears a poem, but when I look at this there are so many "I's" clouding up my vision. When I get into reading it, it's not much better. I can see the pattern of the I am adrift, but considering you already have that as such a repeating factor, why all the "I's"? I already know who you're referring to. Why not change it up, allow some breathing room to be creative with your words. Be creative with your message. I get the sense of done-before when I read this.

Now, another thing I wanted to point out was your general tendency to toss in irrelevant lines in the midst of you stanzas. In the second stanza it appears your dabbling in the thoughts of the speaker feeling disconnected. Which, by the way, you happen to simply say outright without any gesturing or creative outlining of the idea. You then proceed to throwing in this line about crying when I'm angry. The line alone does nothing for the underlying thought of the stanza. Nix it, I think.

As for the third stanza, you had the same sort of thing going on there as well. You say "I dream they will become like me". This is something you can surely pick up off into a much larger thought. Yet you strut forward with more empty hopes and thoughts. I don't feel connected in the least bit to this speaker. I don't feel like I'm being let in. I'm merely grazing the surface of something that is struggling to be said, and it's rather frustrating to me.

As a general suggestion, remove all the I's and input some solid reason to the message of your poem. There's no need to be blunt and simple when you have room to further elaborate on these thoughts you have. There's truly so much room to expand your words. Paint a larger picture. Don't hesitate on it. Be willing to pull your reader in with the color of feeling. When you see you have a line like "I see other worlds", that there can strike an intriguing section of this poem in itself, but you merely say things like this and then move on --move onto other dry thoughts and feelings. Don't say something and then walk away from it, run with it! See where it leads you.

I suppose that's all I have to say though. I think this could use some reworking indefinitely. It's all up to the place you decide to take it though. Hope anything I might've said may be of some help to you.

-Smylin'

Ha well thanks you its a first for me. I actually has trouble writing about myself. I'm not one for writing about my feelings though the emulate themselves into my fictional writing. I appreciate that you like it. Its one of my firsts. I'm glad its unique lol. Now that I read it I find it fitting lol.

What a beautiful peom! I loved the last bit:

RenGrey wrote:I hope they’ll understand me
I am adrift

RenGrey wrote:I touch the clouds in the sky
I worry the worlds im creating
I cry when I’m angry