This monster,
Chewing at my nerves
Like a rat at wires.
With everyday wear and tear
My nerves slowly begin to unwind and fall apart.
I wait for the day when they finally snap and are severed.
I wait for the day where I won't have to feel anymore, because without my nerves there won't be any pain.
I can finally sleep.
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140,477 Literary Works • 673,243 Reviews
Hi,
This is a great poem, but it sounds a little suicidal. But I get those feelings. I am not going to judge you in any way.
I think this "monster" may be a bit of depression.
But that is just me
Everyday
a monster chews at me too.
If this is your REAL feelings, you should do more poems
It will help
and I am here for you
Great Job
Kimmy
I really enjoyed your description. Your use of metaphor is amazing. But, like Lumi, I think that I little more imagery could definitely give the poem more depth. Also, using some stronger or more impactful words could be helpful in delivering your message. But overall I think that it's a really good poem, and each line beautifully puts emotion into words.
I think you're a great writer and hope to read more in the future!
-K1553
Ayyyyyy. Blunt!
So your biggest weakness here is the lack of diverse imagery in place of blatant statements. You do a good job with lines such as "Chewing...rat at wires" and "I wait...and are severed;" however these two examples are the only pieces of real imagery to be found in the piece, be they images, scents, overstimulation, or otherwise. Without these abundant sensations, it's hard to really capture the raw power that anxiety holds over those with the crippling disorder.
This poem also shows a bit of duality in sentiment in that the undertone of the final line nearly implies that the reader wants to die, but the truth is he just wants to relax and stop worrying for a moment. Either way, I get it, I relate to it, and I understand--so good on you there.
Finally, I think the language could be stronger all throughout the piece. "Monster" doesn't capture as much fear as what real, living fears would. All things to consider.
I hope this helps,
Lumi