It doesn't take many words to express how you feel.
Like a birthday card,
The message is already printed.
It's short but it means somebody cares.
But I'm not good at that sort of thing:
Talking,
Communicating.
You obviously aren't either
Since in the six months that you've been gone you haven't written once,
Not once.
I phoned you the first week,
Remember?
Your mum said you were out.
My email was continuously outgoing,
Didn't they reach you?
Are you lost somewhere?
Imprisoned on a god-forsaken island,
Are you?
Because if not,
I think I may be losing my best friend,
Because if not,
I want to know why you had to move away,
Because if not,
I'll have to start it all again,
Because if not,
I hate the thing that they called "fate".
Are you lost?
I'll come and find you straight away.
I hate to say this,
I hate your home,
I hate your life.
Before the bitterness consumes me,
Maybe you could write and say goodbye,
And Happy Birthday.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That was very good, although a little bland and chopey.... Otherwise very good!
Again, I have to agree with the harsh Brad. Although I feel like a jerk when I do that haha.
I feel like....well like this is an email that you just cut up into pieces. I feel like you could read this poem outloud to anyone that you know and they would just think you were mad at them and yelling at them like normal--noone would ever pick up that this was a poem. It just seems to me the only reason it's called a poem is because it's not written all the way across the page. That's it.
I'm sorry. But you do need to get something poetic in here.
Please don't regard me as a jerk, I'm not...i promise. I'm just honest. I just hope for honesty in return haha.
I agree with everything everyone before me has said, but I'd like to add one more thing. The use of "Because if not" is a little too repetitive. I'm really not entirely sure what I'd do to change it, though, which goes to show that I really shouldn't be writing this. . .but it's just a suggestion.
Remember,
Poetry is more than a collection of questions and linebreaks. Figure out what imagery, metaphor and simile are before posting again.
Thanks,
Brad
Overall, I liked this. However, I agree that the line "Since in the six months that you've been gone you haven't written once," is way too long. I would break it after gone. Also the "Because if not" gets really obnoxious. I would just put the first one, then keep the lines after them as they are. I also agree that the line "I hate the thing that they call 'fate'" doesn't fit in with that part of the poem.
On a positive note, I liked the birthday card metaphor at the beginning. Keep it up!
At last some chick flick poetry!!!
I like this!
Its a good simple issue right at the centre of a poem which flows really well.
I can relate to this poem. I'm sure girls could probably relate to it more than boys.
Keep up the good work
*hugs*
Lexy x
good poem, nice flow, the bitter mood is spilling out-i love this!
only, i think you shoul break this long line "Since in the six months that you've been gone you haven't written once, "
This was a pretty good poem. There were a couple of things I noticed though:
This line was waaaaaay too long. It's a total mouthful! lol I'd separate it into two lines, possibly like: Since in the six months that you've been gone/ you haven't written once.
Unnecessary repetition of "are you" type of thing. You already asked it in the first line; no need to repeat it again.
This part was really hard to read. Maybe it was just the last line in there. When you say, "I hate what they call fate", it doesn't fit in with the rest of this chunk of the poem. It's like you totally changed topics on the reader or something. It doesn't flow with the "because if not." Instead, it's like it's own little sentence instead of a continuation of the rhythm you had established.
Maybe (on the second line) put but I hate your home, etc. Again, it's a disconnected thought.
Mer pointed out the other mistakes.
I think this poem has really good potential. I want to challenge you to round it out more than the "bare bones" poem you have right now. Show a little more emotion, make her seem really angry. You can show this by a witty play on words or even just by simple actions like slamming her fist down. Congrats on a great poem, but I still challenge you to round it out a bit more with what I explained above.
Happy writing!
Wiggy
I really like this poem, I like the fluency and the voice throughout; it sounds real and heartfelt. Plus I sort of can relate....
Just a few things:
"It doesn't take many words to express how you feel"
Is the 'you' here as in 'one'/'a person' or as in the person you are talking to?
"My email was continuously outgoing,
Didn't they reach you? "
Agree the person: My emails were...
Also... with the whole "because if not" bit, maybe think about breaking each little phrase up with a full stop? I think it still gives the impact but makes it easier to say as its not all once sentence.
Because if not,
I think I may be losing my best friend.
Because if not,
I want to know why you had to move away.
Because if not,
I'll have to start it all again.
Hope that makes sense, you dont have to listen to me though!
But this poem did catch my eye- I like poems which invlove feeling and less description- they seem written with more of a purpose and the emotion conveyed somehow comes more naturally.Nice.