Shifter King (novel in progress)

This is a long post so that might be why I'm the first to comment. However, I thought it was interesting. I also like the names, but I noticed that you refer to one of the guards at the beginning as "Karan" sometimes and "Kagan" other times, so you should fix that.

You should probably see this thread on dialogue grammar. A lot of times at the end of dialogue you use a period where you should use a comma. That was the only type of grammatical error I noticed in this, though.

The balding bartender looked over at him and muttered something indistinct. It sounded like “Calls it shit and then drinks too much of it.”

I thought this part was pretty funny.

“It almost didn’t work.” Miya repeated, sounding a little giddy. “It almost didn’t work.” Saeric grinned.

“We got lucky. A veteran officer would have asked more questions and been more suspicious; this guy was as green as grass.” he said. “Can you untie me now?”

I think it would be better if "Saeric grinned" was moved to the next paragraph, like:

"It almost didn't work, Miya repeated, sounding a little giddy. "It almost didn't work."

Saeric grinned. "We got lucky. A veteran officer would have asked more questions and been more suspicious; this guy was as green as grass," he said. "Can you untie me now?"

Saeric placed a hand softly over her mouth.

But I thought his hands were tied at this point?

In conclusion, I liked it and I hope you post more eventually.

Comments & reviews · 2

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Name

Email (optional)

How many vowels are there in 'review'?

This is a review

J. Wilder

Review

J. Wilder wrote a review · Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:11 am

About the Author

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources