L was a strange person. He hardly asked me questions or spoke at all, but that was all right by me. His grey eyes were always glistening when he saw me and he sometimes fiddled with his curly blond hair in front of me. To tell the truth, I like L. In a way, he's just flat-out silly. He was a head taller than I was, but who's to blame? I think about him all day every day, but see him every once in a while at night. I could only guess what he does when he's busy. What was his job here in Nightshade City I don't have a clue. He was parchment pale, just the right color to contrast my bronze skin. We've been friends for at least two months, but only once he touched the small of my back.
Oh yikes! I'm getting ahead of myself. I hate it when that happens. Forgive my carelessness. I haven't done this in forever. Let me start over at the beginning. Not the whole beginning if that's what you're after. I'll start to where I broke up with Silver Mariana. Or was it she who broke up with me? I can't remember who did who, so don't ask.
My name is Alexander Secreta, but friends call me Zen because of my peacemaker skills. I was only seventeen when I attempted to date Silver, but she seemed to have her heart on someone else. She rarely spoke to me about it, so she had a lot of extra time on her fine pale hands to either run them up someone's chest or type through a computer keyboard.
Silver was more of an inventer and -as most of the people around Nightshade City call her- a computer witch. She always makes crazy inventions that she often uses for unknown purposes. Most of the inventions that she makes were often tested and I suffered the worse of them every time. Instead of a friend or a boyfriend, she treated me like some kind of testing lab rat. Whenever she called my father for my assistance in her latest invention, I just know I might get hurt in the process. I knew Silver was up to something when she makes her gadgets, but as for the computer thing I have not the slightest idea. Hardly anyone knows about her love life or her home life, but the latter was rumored to be a loner since she practically live alone in the house which is her grand labratory and gym in one building. To most residents in the city, she was the city's mad scientist; to my father, she was a rare talent that shouldn't be ridiculed at.
I myself wasn't as talented as Silver, but that'll be known later on. This whole thing started after Silver and I broke up and a little before L came to the city. It was a rainy day then, and Silver's latest invention had gone up in smoke because of a small mistake I made in the written formula...
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: OKay...so this is a really fun premise here, I think you could certainly make quite a fun story out of this right here...there's the beginning of some pretty interesting stuff being mentioned here, but this part itself, especially considering its meant to be a prologue has a few things out of place.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is a fun little start there...makes for a really interesting start with some fun information delivered via the rambling of someone that clearly has a crush on this person which is two reasons why this manages to get my attention as a reader quite nicely and that in turn makes this an awesome start here.
Okay...not the typical sort of names that you run into, so I'm very interested to see what sort of world this is set in, there's aren't necessarily fantasy names either, so it all just sounds very intriguing here...and I wonder where this is going. The voice of the protagonist is also quite fun so far, its a friendly and likeable voice...and this little introduction isn't too bad but I sense some exposition headed our way and I hope its not going to be too much here.
Yeah, so that is a bit of an issue, a prologue is really not the place to be stuffing so much detail in...this just kind of goes on and on with the details of Silver's life and what she's like, but it tells us nothing to really be all that exciting. Its not exactly a boring description, its just that this is basically a bit of backstory here, and a prologue is meant to be an attention grabbing scene of some sort and it isn't usually needed to understand the rest of the story, so just having an entire character's personality backstory mentioned here means, this isn't really fit for a prologue, not to mention even if it did work, this particular kind of backstory goes on for long enough that it can be called a bit of an infodump which is not great.
OKay....well this once again doesn't like it should really be in a prologue, this would fare much better if it was in a first chapter at least..so..well, yeah an interesting ending, but for this piece, not really the best choice here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is not a bad premise and you do address some pretty interesting things in this piece, but as a prologue this has a few problems that need fixing right here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like this and see where you are trying to go with this, but you need to make it longer maybe at more detail, near the end i actually thought it was a girl talking i kind of thought that she was gay :/ as he said I'll start to where I broke up with Silver Mariana. Or was it she who broke up with me? I can't remember who did who, so don't ask. I was confused until i got to the bottom but alexander also looks alot like alexandra, but really good! Looking forward to reading more
!!!!
Ok I say you need to lengthen this and add a lot more detail and more explanations this has very good promise you just need to give more details and keep writing more of it...right now I am confused who is L? Where are they? Are they teenagers? Adults? I need more information..this is promising and I like it just expand on it ^^ Keep up the good work and I hope this helps you in improve!! You need to define them; a setting; what's happening around them? Either way this is a promising story and I'll keep an eye for more from you!!! Keep up the good work and may you get many helpful reviews!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3