On land, it's dull, harsh, and too austere
I'm grounded here though, but there's no control
Then I stand on the ledge
Hop off
And sink in
The water, It's peaceful, flowing, and stress releasing
I close my eyes and head somewhere better
Where I am in control
And all
Is very well
Awareness is sudden, hard, and disappointing,
I can't survive here since there's no air.
My head begins to throb
And toes
From kicking
I must bring my head above surface
to breath
I must return
to be sensible
And I mustn't drown in my thoughts
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
This is a fascinating poem. I love the metaphor of the thoughts being the water, and not being able to survive with simply thoughts.
"I'm grounded here though, but there's no control"--I don't think that you need the "though" and the "but".
"The water, It's peaceful, flowing, and stress releasing"--I don't like the use of "stress releasing". It sounds too...I don't know, something that would be used in an article on yoga rather than a poem...does that make sense? Better words would be tranquil or something synonymous with it.
Keep writing!
Hi RedBox,
It could have changed from being the thought of drowning to something more refreshing, the imagination taking hold of this person and all that struggle and enclosure is taken away, and instead of feeling like they're drowning, instead they feel like they're flying. Something like that maybe.
This was superb. The style of the writing and the form of the poem really holds strong throughout. Visualising this experience was easy and the idea of falling within your own mind was really cool. Don't day dream so much being the initial sentiment but that subsides slightly with the choice of wording.
Maybe a change in the ending though, maybe the idea of drowning in your own thoughts is a good idea, the drownee wanting nothing more than the walls of reality to fall at the way side. Deciding to forget what is real for what he desires. I don't know just an idea, but I like the imagery of being completely surrounded by your own imagination, to the point that it feels like you're drowning in it.
Being sensible is boring
Thoroughly good read, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
LMJ
An excellent use of expression... Good effort