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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence Mature Content

Somninecro

by RedWingsBlueSky


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

There were five sacrifices for the Somninecro. Four Somnists and one peasant. The Somnists were higher up in the hierarchy. The peasant's name was Jakob. None of them knew what their fate was to be, though the Somnists knew that they would all die. Jakob was just bewildered as to why he had been knocked out and spirited away from his family. They were all kept together in a cell and given the best food available. There were two women and two men, besides himself. The others names were Rone, Florence, Eric, and Matthew. They all seemed aware of why they were being held there, but none of them would disclose their fate. As the others woke up and before they went to sleep, they would kneel and pray to something called Somninecro. When he asked what it was, they glared and turned away.

One day, they were all chained together, except for Rone, and marched to some great auditorium. Rone stood in center stage, chained to a pole. While before, she had been wearing a headdress, now her red hair was worn down. There was a hooded man standing in front of her, fumbling with some metal contraption. He turned to the audience, and a cloaked man with a long beard stood up and started chanting in another language. The hooded man was wearing strange rings on each finger, they had huge metal claws on them. Another hooded man walked up with a small, shovel-shaped knife. He took her hand gently and began ripping out her nails. She winced, but kept her silence. He lifted the strange knife and began sawing at her lips. Tears flashed in the corner of her eyes. He grabbed her ear. There was a horrible tearing noise. She gave a quick scream. Blood spurted from where her ear had been, he did the same to the other side. He swiftly reached up and dug deep behind her eye. Blood poured down her face, trickling into her mouth. Her other eye rolled back and she slumped against her bindings. He quickly popped out both her eyes. He stepped back. The hooded figure with the metal claws stepped forward. He shouted something in the strange language and plunged the claws into her chest. There was a moment of stillness, then blood spilled down her chest. He dug the claws in deeper, then tore something out of her chest. It was her heart. Blood spurted everywhere, out of the gaping hole in her chest, out of her still-beating heart. Her empty eye sockets widened she tried to breathe and she gave a rattling, choking cough, and blood gushed out of her mouth. As they were led away, two cloaked figures carried her body away.

A few weeks later, they were taken to the auditorium again, this time minus Eric. By the time they reached it this time, he had already had his nails, lips, ears, and eyes removed. The hooded figure held a large jar. Eric was tied to the ground. The hooded figure picked up the jar and shook it gently over him. Tiny black things scattered over him. Almost immediately, Eric howled in pain and writhed back and forth. He was covered with a thousand tiny bites, you could actually see his flesh being eaten away. He thrashed from side to side, trying to shake off a minuscule adversary. He screamed a final time, and was still. All that was left was a skeleton.

Life went on, they continued to be given the best food available, and they were generally treated very well. Although none of them gave any hint about when the next execution was to be, there was terror in the others' eyes.

Matthew was next. Jakob wished that it had been Florence, as she unnerved him. They were taken to the auditorium and he had his nails, lips, ears, and eyes removed. Surprisingly, he stayed conscious the entire time. The hooded figure held a handled metal spike, about five inches long. Jakob shuddered at the thought of what was about to happen. The figure tied Matthew's head to the pole, stepped forward, and jammed the metal spike up under his chin. It was razor sharp. The man thrust it in farther and it came out of his cheek. He yanked it out, and drove it in again, it came out his other cheek. Blood spurted out of the holes in his cheeks. He coughed and spat out blood. The man positioned it a final time, and drove it in. It went straight up, piercing the roof of his mouth, propping his mouth open so he gagged and choked a bit on his blood. Tears streamed down his cheeks, mixing with blood. The man pushed harder, and the tip of it appeared at the bridge of his nose. Blood was everywhere, Matthew's head lolled, he coughed and blood gushed from his mouth and nose. They were led away.

Jakob was scared, terrified of what they might do to him. Florence didn't help, with her praying all the time, and her dirty looks when he tried to make conversation. One day, however, she explained a bit about the Somninecro.

"Somninecro is the great God of man, he rules all humans on earth. The only way to see him is through death. But you may glimpse his true glory when you endure pain and suffering. All humans must endure pain and suffering. Otherwise you are nothing more than a weed. Soon you will have the greatest honor of all. You shall be sacrificed to my lord." She never spoke to him again.

This time Jakob was the only one to be taken to the auditorium. Florence stood in the center, chained to the floor, her hands tied behind her back. After her nails, etc. had been removed, a strange mechanism was rolled onto the stage. Like two walls with two long poles sticking out of them, and a strange sort of crank coming out the back. The crank was turned until the poles touched her temples. The hooded figure began to slowly crank. Florence screamed in pain. The blunt poles pushed harder and harder on her head. Her eyes rolled, her breath was short. Her black hair stained with blood. She screamed like an animal, when it is injured and sees the visage of death. The poles pushed harder, and there was an unearthly crack. Florence sagged, the poles, now going through her skull, holding her up. Blood gushed out of her nose, mixed with tiny clumps of brain. The man removed the poles and Florence crumpled to the ground, as blood sprayed out of the twin holes in her skull. Jakob was taken back to his cell, shuddering at what he had just seen.

Weeks passed, and there was no sign of what would happen to him. One day, after eating, black spots clouded his vision, and he blacked out. When he awoke, he felt slightly sick, and his ear itched deep down inside. After about a day, the sickness ebbed slightly, weeks passed and he felt feverish, as if there were things crawling inside him. About a month after he passed out, he began vomiting blood. He kept finding strange holes in his skin. Occasionally he would see strange things moving in the holes, which never healed. He became unable to stand, and he could not swallow. One day he was blindfolded and taken through a long series of tunnels. When the blindfold was removed he was standing on the stage. His fingernails were removed, but he didn't feel anything. His lips were cut off, and it hurt, but the pain felt distant. When his ears were cut off, he felt something crawl down the side of his face, it was some kind of centipede. His eyes were cut out, and he felt something stir, deep in his chest. Suddenly, there was excruciating pain everywhere. All the holes in his skin tore wider, and bugs crawled out of them. They crawled out of his mouth, nose, and his empty eye sockets. He fell to to the ground. As he lay dying, he saw a tall figure cloaked in black. As his vision dimmed, the figure leaned down, and through dulled ears, he heard the figure speak, in a voice made of ice,

"Somninecro...Somninecro."

Fin


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51 Reviews


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Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:11 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello!

I see that you have some reviews already so I'll try and keep this one brief.

I'm one of those people that enjoys dark, gritty, gory type fiction, so this is right up my alley. I loved the plot here. I couldn't even imagine being in line for sacrifice. However, I felt like I was reading a police report or something. I didn't have much connection to your characters at all and everything just felt really cut-and-dry.

Whenever I'm reading something, personally, I like to be transported into that world. I want to really get inside of the head of the main character and feel myself in their situation. I think this could really excel if you would do less telling and more showing.

Jakob wished that it had been Florence, as she unnerved him.


This quote is the first time we even get an inkling of Jakob's feelings about his surroundings or the people he's with.

I think what you have here is great for a draft or an outline, but I think you could do so much more if you take things slower and really start to flesh out your settings and character. Add in some smells and sounds and actual feelings, you know?

I don't have much more to say, because I think everyone's said pretty much everything. I do see potential in this story. I just think you need to slow it down and focus more on your characters.




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Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:34 am
Sujana wrote a review...



So, I have a confession: I'm a big sucker for weird, gory, push-it-to-the-limit sort of works.

I understand why most people don't like it, obviously, and I understand that a lot of the appeal is very low-brow and not exactly sophisticated--but I like it, regardless. But I only like a specific type of push-it-to-the-limit work, and that's when it's clear that the author isn't enjoying it in the slightest. I love it when the writing focuses on something grotesque, but not in a pornographic sort of sense, but rather in odd fascination, like watching a squashed cockroach itch and struggle to get up off the ground. I love it when the work focuses on all the places that make it impossible for anybody bar the ill of mind to enjoy wholeheartedly.

With that in mind, I obviously dig the premise of this work. I think it has a lot of potential. I've always wanted to see someone walk on the thin line between suffering and revelation, the light of God amidst the pain and darkness of the world. And what better way to express this darkness and pain than a bit of gore, a bit of torture, a bit of hope in good food and a bit of dread from watching each and every one of the members of your crew die off, like cockroaches stuck to the sole of a shoe?

Of course, there are execution problems. I feel like you describe things that aren't entirely necessary and miss out on details that could help build suspense for the reader, a sense of dread and waiting for the next gory scene.

As it stands, the work is plainly a collection of gory scenes, barely intertwined by a vaguely interesting premise. There's a sense of creativity in all the gore scenes, a talent (for better or worse) in disturbing the reader in more ways than one, but I almost never get the sense of revelation that Florence spoke of near the end.

"Somninecro is the great God of man, he rules all humans on earth. The only way to see him is through death. But you may glimpse his true glory when you endure pain and suffering. All humans must endure pain and suffering. Otherwise you are nothing more than a weed. Soon you will have the greatest honor of all. You shall be sacrificed to my lord."


I think this was the pique of the work, for me, but it felt more like a justification of violence rather than a proper story. I think it'd be infinitely more terrifying if the work was more character-centric, with the gore as a main point of conflict rather than the only thing on display--if you've ever read 1984, you'd be familiar with Winston's torture scene at the end of the book.

I personally find that the closer the audience is to the characters, the more they know about the characters and the more they know about their fears and motivations, the more terrifying and awful it becomes when they meet their end.

What I picture is a story focusing on either one of the Somnists or Jakob, and they're all thrown into this mysterious place where, initially, they're fed and treated well. But Jakob realizes how tense the Somnists are, and demands what's going on and how to go on. Then the main story beat arrives with the first torture scene, and it's up to Jakob to try and escape. But all roads lead to death or encapturement, and the Somnists each console him, telling him to accept his fate. And as the days pass, and the deaths pile, the holes in his skin grow wider and wider, and he feels his sanity chip away ever so slowly, until...

Well, you get the picture.

Anyway, good work. Happy editting/rewriting.

--Elliot.




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Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:17 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, RedWingsBlueSky. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I. Plot
From what I can understand, a cult worships something called the Somninecro and they offer sacrifices to appease him. That’s basically the whole plot of the story, right? ( I read the first paragraph to have an idea on what the story might be about. I do that as a challenge to see if I am right or not. ) As I read more of the story, you learn more about Somninecro which someone that people wants to see but the person has to endure pain then death. That sounds intriguing.

II. Nitpicks and Stuff
The only thing I can point out on this story is the big paragraphs. I understand what you did, since you were killing off the characters one by one ( which I will get to about soon ) so each character had their own paragraph. Just make sure in your future works, that you break up your paragraphs. It will help your other readers read a bit easier.

Now for the genre part of the story. To be honest, while reading this, I actually felt sick to my stomach, which is probably what you were going for since this story contained horrific scenes. It was mind-boggling and stomach-churning. Simply amazing detail on the gore itself. The ending was a nice touch. I loved it.

III. Overall
Overall, I enjoyed this story. The gore, the plot, the information about Somninecro. It was just simply amazing. I don’t think I ever read something that actually made me sick to my stomach. ( Then again, I avoid horror stuff. )
Keep up the great work and I hope you keep writing future works. You are a good writer.
Keep writing!

- Kanome

This review courtesy of
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Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:04 am
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Hattable wrote a review...



Hey, there! Welcome to yewis! I'm here to try and leave a helpful review. I apologize if it comes off too harshly.

I typically do grammar-based reviews, which I'll try to do here as well, but I can't stop and note every mistake because we'll be here forever if I do that. I'll do my best to cover the major things and then try to touch on actual content.

(Blocks. Blocks everywhere.)

So, right off the bat, you've got a lot of clunky paragraphs. They're blocky and big and don't flow very well. Your writing, from the start, is very tell-y. It doesn't engage the reader and scenes are laid out more like facts of this world you've crafted than as a story. You want your readers hooked with the first sentence, reeled in with the first paragraph, and engrossed not long after. Unfortunately, you haven't managed to hook me, and the rest falls flat without the hook.

I'm not sure what to say about pacing. Some of the torture scenes go by really quickly (Eric being eaten by bugs, for example), and there's not enough description. You basically just describe how they're tortured, and not how they feel or how Jakob feels, at least, as he's our anchor to the world – it's in third-person, but we see it through Jakob's eyes, more or less.

You could take the time to let us know how Jakob feels, emotionally and/or mentally, watching these four people being tortured. Then, during his own torture scene, you can pull the reader in with not only Jakob's emotional state, but his physical state.

None of the characters throughout this story display realistic reactions to pain. They act as though they've stubbed their toe, or gotten a paper cut, rather than had their nails ripped out; had their lips and ears torn off; had their eyes removed. Honestly, I've seen stronger reactions to a toe-stubbing than these characters give to any of the pain they endure.
The most realistic may have been Eric's reaction to the bugs eating him alive, but by the time we reach that it just seems ridiculous, because he was relatively calm with the previous injuries.

I'm guessing, in Jakob's case at the very end, the bugs that had been let into his body had somehow lessened the pain he felt from everything else? But this doesn't make sense unless this world has some crazy monster bugs (Eric was eaten incredibly quickly, and then these ones cause Jakob to only feel the pain that they inflict?).
Even if this were the case, he's not phased enough by the pain that the bugs themselves cause.

There were five sacrifices for the Somninecro. Four Somnists and one peasant. The Somnists were higher up in the hierarchy. The peasant's name was Jakob. None of them knew what their fate was to be, though the Somnists knew that they would all die.

Moving along, at the beginning you say that “None of them knew what their fate was to be, though the Somnists knew that they would all die.”
They didn't know their fate, but they knew they would die? If they knew that they were going to die, then they knew their fate. That is their fate. Death.
Jakob doesn't know their fate, but “None of them” refers to the entire group, not Jakob alone.

Also, what's with this “sacrifice”? You bring it in right away, and I go into the story assuming that they're being sacrificed to either appease a god, or save their lands, or whatever the usual call for sacrifices is – but then the story just because a gore-fest with no real meaning.
Florence eventually explains that to see Somninecro, one must experience incredible pain and suffering. To that, I have two things to say:

One, paper cuts are incredible pain, and people experience suffering throughout their lives. How is Somninecro not seen more often?

And two, why drag Jakob into this? If the Somnists wished to see Somninecro, why not just endure the pain themselves? (or get a paper cut, that should do the trick?). Why bring an innocent along, without his consent? It isn't a sacrifice if general pain and suffering reveals the guy to you, and if it were in some ritualistic, sacrificial style, where the first four die and the fifth gets to see Somninecro, why is Jakob the one chosen? What's the point? Why would the other four sacrifice themselves for some random guy to be killed and catch a glimpse of their god?

The plotpoint doesn't make sense. There isn't much of a plot with it, to begin with, as there's no explanation as to why there would be sacrifices. Ditching the sacrifices for gore, gore, and more gore just tosses any last inkling of a plot out the window.
If you wanna write gore, cool, but you should try for more imagery and description. Show us the characters' emotions and agony. Listing off terrible ways to die isn't good gore. Lots of blood isn't good gore. It's gotta have meaning and realism. Remaining calm through incredible torture isn't realistic.

Speaking of the repetition of the torture across each person, with the final blow varying – you used “etc” at least once in this story when listing off the regular parts (nails, lips, ears, eyes). This is lazy writing, shoves your reader right out of the story, and tears down the flow of the story.
Yes, listing out the little things that we've already heard about several times gets monotonous and dull, but “etc” is just as dull. You can find a way to explain that the “smaller” tortures are shared across all five victims without having to list it out every time. Or you can still list it out, but show different reactions.
I'm sure if you just showed more reaction, and beefed up the scenes in between the gore, you'd have plenty of buffer and the mention of the nails, lips, ears, and eyes wouldn't feel as repetitive.


Overall, the concept is decent, but could use some work explaining how these are sacrifices, and perhaps adding on some further purpose to the sacrifices than just to catch a glimpse of Somninecro. The execution of the work leaves a lot to be desired. I recommend reading some stories of a similar genre, or with significant gore, and seeing how the authors handle both the gore itself, and the characters' reactions.
Pacing and flow were difficult to determine with the lack of imagery and the telling, rather than showing, of the story.

If you were to make the reactions more realistic, up the imagery, and chisel down the block paragraphs, you could have something good here. But as it is, this needs a lot of TLC.


I hope this wasn't too harsh, and if you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me! I wish you luck with your writing, and once again, welcome to YWS!

- Hatt





It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming