First the rain came down so
Hard so hard
That the sky filled with my tears
Crashing lightning filled the sky
But I looked away so
Long too long
That when I looked back
The blue had filled the sky
Don't go too long my friend
leaving flowers and a hat behind
Look up
Rain is falling but the blue's still in the sky
Come back in a year or so
And I'll take you to a fox's wedding
So smile
I'll be laughing while the wet sun lights the sky
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hewo, I'm back to review a wonderful piece.
This short entry of lyrics was actually well written, I was a bit hesitant at first to review the lyrics section because I usually do poems. Anyways, I was hesitant at first but then I came across your entry. I really liked it and at first I was like, oof can I use these lyrics??
Just ignore me, please, I'm weird. So, these are the first set of lyrics that I've
reviewed and it makes me want to review more of them. Great job and I would love to see more entries from you.
This was a very short and sweet song, it is very well written and i would love to know the inspiration behind this.
Thank you so much! I'm not really sure what the inspiration was, other than how beautiful the world looks when it's raining and the sun is shining at the same time.
I like the repetition with the lines 'Hard so hard' and 'Long so long'. It creates kind of a cool pattern. I'm really bad at analysing the deep meaning of things, but I liked at the start the stormy scene, but as the poem goes on, everything gets brighter. I can hear the birds tweeting as I read the second half! I don't have any criticisms for this poem. Good job and keep writing, I want to see more of your poetry!
The fact that this poem is so short does the work justice. The imagery is crisp and concise and illustrates your meaning perfectly.
I do notice a slight hiccup in the beginning lines of the poem. First off, its very hard to start a line with "That". In this case, it screws with the flow of the poem. Secondly, you use sky twice within two lines. This again messes with the flow of the poem from a readers perspective. Most noticeably, you have some sort of skip between "The blue had filled the sky" and "don't go to long my friend." This transition is to abrupt.
I would suggest working on that transition first. The other mistakes are much less concerning. Overall good work. I don't quite know why yet but the image of a flower and a hat seems utterly perfect.
Hello!
ShaikhTheWorld here, for a short novice review.
As I read through the poem, it definitely felt like a song to me! I even sang it mid-way, so good job on the lyrical aspect of your work! :3
There are still a few improvements that come to mind, which could help your post be even better:
a) Adding punctuation such as commas and full stops on certain lines might help your reader infer what kind of rhythm *you* wanted to maintain for your poem-song.
For example, you could use a comma and a full stop at the end of the second and third lines, respectively.
b) I found the fourth line rather jarring, where flow is concerned - feels like it would be much better with a comma after 'Crashing'.
c) A minor edit - the addition of the word 'For' at the ending of your last stanza for a more fluid ending.
That'd be all the suggestions from me for your beautiful piece, where phrases such as "a fox's wedding" were simply wonderful to read. Whether you apply these changes to your current or future works is entirely up to you!
Finally, welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here - I'm looking forward to more wonderful posts from you.
This is a decent effort, if not a bit raw and unpolished. You have some nice worldly imagery, but it never really pushes past the sky. The sky is pretty but there's much more to the earth that it has to offer visually, so you could definitely expand upon here by summoning images from forests, oceans, meadows, etc.
"That the sky filled with my tears" sounds a bit cliche to me. I do really like the image of "leaving flowers and a hat behind," though maybe you could be more specific about what kind of hat it is.
This reads more like a poem to me than song lyrics, because I can't quite picture what the rhythm you have in your mind is. Do you have a certain song in mind when you write lyrics? I do, and it helps me to keep a general rhythm and sound.
Keep practicing your song lyrics and I'm sure you'll get better and better.
- SunsetTree
Hey RedWingBlueSky! Corrupted Arrow here with a review, more or less I help with comma placement. If I offend you in anyway possible I apologize in advance.
This is a really good song! Sounds a little bit like a poem but it is really good! I find that it paints a picture in my head, not many songs do that. I hope i get to review more of your work in the future.
After all this is said and done, it is a good song. It just needed a few tweaking points. Keep up the Writing and have a Good Day!