Published May 23, 2008
When we were young near three or four,
And thought the world was big and great
We’d play like friends just like friends should,
Not knowing the emotion “hate”
When we were at the age of eight,
oh how inseparable we had been
We’d go ride bikes or pull some pranks,
we were never seen without a grin.
Later when we both were twelve
We knew we were the best of friends
We’d shop for clothes or just hang out,
We’d be best friends until the end.
But when we turned fourteen or so,
All you sought was to be “cool”
Acting like a total jerk
And dressing like you owned the school
You tried to hang with pretty girls
Who only cared for looks and fame
They took advantage of your “need”
And so their slave you have became
I tried to tell you many times
They laughed at you behind your back
You yelled at me for telling “lies”
You said to leave and not come back.
And to this day you’re still a bitch
And all your “friends” are just a fake
You have no friends, you have no life
I hope you die and never wake.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hi!
Okay, here are my opinions of this piece.
The first thing that got me is the rhyming. It wasn't that sharp in all the stanzas, and also, I think, some of the rhymes were a little cheap.
This is also really telling, I can't say if that is how it's meant to be – I guess so – but for me, being this straight doesn't really work.
I don't think you should use quotation marks. If you take them off, the reader can question things like "cool" him/herself. Right now the questioning is done for us, while I think we could do it ourselves.
"oh how inseparable we had been" --> is actually quite an empty line, if you think about it closely. Try if you can make it more important by editing a little.
These are a few things, don't take it personally, I just needed to say that. Just write, write and write and so you'll improve. Keep up!
Demeter
Yeah I agree with most of the posters here, I think you have a good start here to develop it into something deeper. The emotion's there, and it was a belivable story. You might hate me for suggesting this- maybe make it a little shorter? It's just cutting the lenght down could make the poem more dramatic and gripping. However I liked the theme. There's grammatical errors and odd capitlization here and there but they can be easily amended. Good luck.
Eimear
ok i seperated it into stanzas. maybe that will make it less confusing...
thanks for the help
Yes I agree with some of the above comments.
You have some really nice ideas but try to use more imagery. Instead of telling us a lot of your feelings SHOW them to us. Embrace original, intriguing and fresh turns of phrase that will catch our attention.
The perfect tense of "become" is "I have become," not "I have became" as the previous reviewer has said. But to be honest, I don't know how I could change the line to make it fit the rhythm of the piece.
I also think you should break the poem up into verses to reflect the stages in the chronology; as one stanza it seems like all one idea, which it clearly isn't.
You definitely have some flair in your writing. Good work!
7/10
Like BlondeTwiggy said, it was nice in chronological order and as Sportgurl46 said most people can definitely relate to this subject.
Just a couple of picky things:
This might be better as ‘Not knowing the emotion ‘hate’’ because ‘unknow’ isn’t a verb.
‘Became’ is part of the rhyme but this tense requires ‘you have become’. I like this though!
‘Making lies’ sounds odds. ‘Telling lies’, for example, isn’t very sophisticated but might sound better.
'You said to leave and not come back' would be better.
Again ‘a fake’ is part of the rhyme but should be plural ‘fakes’ in this case. Maybe you could try something like 'And all your 'friends' are simply fake'? Excuse the poor examples, just ignore me if you don't like them!
I especially liked this line:
Keep working on your poem! Hope this helps!
hey thanks a lot
This was a a true story that happened with more than one of my friends. but i don't really care anymore. i figure if they don't want to be my friend, i don't want to be theirs.
And thanks for the website Ill be sure to check it out
I think you just portrayed everyone's feelings about one of their friends at one time or another. That poem was so powerful. I was just wondering... did you base this on real life experiences or did you make it up? Either way, it was one of the best poems i have ever read. I think that a good website for you would also be poemhunter.com to get some ideas for more poems. There is a link on that website that shows you a bunch of different poetry contests. I really suggest entering in one of them.
thanks for the critiques
ill try and fix it as best i can
Hi, RedWing, newbie here, so hope I do ok.
Overall impressions: I can really feel your frustration in this poem - a good sign. I think we all know the feeling of a friend who left us to be more "cool" or whatever. Therefore I think the whole premise runs the risk of being cliche (yes, I said it!). Maybe think of a fresher way to portray it?
I do like the chronological layout, that's nice.
First stanza, "hate" stood out to me, I don't know why. Shocking, draws the eye to it, that's always good. However, the second line could be, "Not knowing the emotion 'hate' " ? It seems to fit better than "unknowing," to me.
The meter is well-done, but the rhyme is forced at times, like in the third to last stanza ("have became"?) Can't change fundamental verb rules to fit a rhyme. I know, I've wanted to do it too.
I don't think swearing is very necessary, especially in poetry, which to me is the most beautiful expression of emotion. Surely there is a more original word to use? That's just my opinion, though, take it or leave it.
I like this alot
It's a nice poem, but the spacing is extremely annoying. Fix it please.
It could most certainly use work though.