Published May 23, 2008
Standing tall and all alone,
but yet, I don't complain.
I need the sun and air to live,
and six liters of rain.
My trunk is like a castle.
built tall against my foes.
My roots are feet to keep me up
with many little toes.
My branches are like arms.
reaching towards the sun.
The mighty wind can't make me fall,
because I weigh a ton.
My leaves are like my servants
always giving me food.
I need them all to stay alive,
or I'm one dying dude.
I'm a house to little birds,
they always make me mad.
But all in all being a tree,
it's really not that bad.
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A new approach to trees. In the sense that it's very modern and not the wise type we expect all old trees to be.
I enjoyed the rhymes and the non-classic feel of describing the tree.
Another new thing here was that the tree is annoyed by the birds. I am not sure I like the idea of it but it's pretty bold.
And comparing the leaves to servants...I really can't appreciate that. I mean, leaves are a part of the tree, leaves are the tree! Servants sound very ungrateful and thoughtless.
I would suggest a metaphor. Chang the the simile and make it a metaphor by removing the 'like'. You could adjust the metre by adding an adjective perhaps.
^^Loved that. Nice description!
And you could work on a better title, RedWing, "The Great Tree" sounds rather boring and 'greatness' has nothing to do with the cool dude tree of your poem!
For Maths class, it's pretty impressive.
thats a really good personification or whatever its called of a tree. i get bored in math all the time too, as if i actually ever pay attention. my B grade is based on cheating. its a great way to socialize i say. well the tree thing does seem like you wrote it of blank mind too, you didn't really have to say that about it. to me it seems like its something you would write when you were either bored or forced to by an English assignment. It resembles an example poem that was for a "go inside" format for the 15 different types of poems i had to write in my English class. So maybe thats why it seems a bit boring to me because i ended up going over it so many times.
Hey Redwing- I'm with you on the Math thing...I loath it so much. Well, actually it should be I loathed it, seeing as I don't do it anymore. Yay! Okay, so the poem...
I really did like the rhyme and overall concept. It flowed well for the most part and I think you might have just pulled it off- seeing as it developed smoothly well when I read it out loud. A lot of people lately are slating the 'rhyme' in poems, but I'm still a big fan.
Some of your ideas and imagery are great- the leaves being 'servants' I especially liked. It sort of had a pattern too which was interesting and engaged me as a reader.
The overall structure even mirrors a tree in itself- which is clever in it's simplicity.
Problem I met were this line here:
The capitalization of each new line isn't necessary also, and it in fact disturbs the flow of the poem. That can be easily fixed, though.
So, on a whole this earned a gold star from me. Well done and keep writing!
Eimear