Underneath It All [Ch. 2]

Hello, Evil here. I'll be reviewing you again.

RedRaven wrote:Lauren hopped I am always taken out of the story when I read the word 'hopped' in this context. People don't actually hop out of cars, so think of another way to describe this. out of her mother’s Cadillac and carefully walked into the house. She rummaged through her purse and pushed her pink-coated house keys into the lock. Wait, you said she already walked into the house. What she really did was walk TO the house. Be careful of your character's actions, just one word can give the reader the wrong impression.
It clicked open and she went inside. Her footsteps echoed in the giant front room and up through the winding stairwell. I was a little unclear of what you meant here.
She walked up the marble stairs and turned left at the top of the stairwell. She opened her wooden There is no need to say wooden, really. I tripped over this word. Remember, describe the things that are important, but for everything that isn't, LESS IS MORE. bedroom door and smiled widely as she stood in the doorway.
Lauren’s bedroom was like it was made for a princess. Nice, that immediately gave me the impression of Regina's bedroom in Mean Girls. I love her bedroom. She had a silver framed bed that was concealed by a pink and purple canopy, and the floor was covered in a white rug. Her The walls were a pale pink and a desk stood in the corner.
She sighed proudly and flopped onto her bed.

Okay, I have a little issue with this part. You said that her bedroom could have been made for a princess, but I didn't totally get that from your description. If anything, it sounded like an average room. One good thing was that you started with saying it could have been made for a princess, but you also set yourself a challenge. You have to follow up this statement with a truly justifying description of her room, which I don't think you did that well. Why don't you do a little research and find some specific things for her to have in her room, it might give the reader a better image of what you are going for.

She sat at her desk and turned on her pink laptop. Everything seems to be pink in this story. I don't mind girls who like pink, but it's getting a little repetitive. It's also confusing me. How old are they? Pink isn't a very mature color, so I'm guessing 13? She logged onto her Facebook and read through the news feed. This is like the third time facebook has popped up in a story on YWS. This is personal taste, but when I read facebook mentions, it gives me the impression that the writer just wanted the reader to know their story is set in modern times. There are other ways you can do this without specifically mentioning famous networking sites. (I hate facebook)
Her heart caught in her throat when she saw that it was filled with messages that I prefer using 'which' than 'that'.contained her name. [i]Heard that Lauren Davis is back, god help us... Looks like the queen bee is didn’t fall off the Eiffel Tower after all… Who would go to Paris for only a YEAR? She’s got to be crazy…Lauren swallowed hard and logged off the computer. She sank heavily into her computer chair.
Tears sprung to her eyelids. She looked up at her ceiling and tried to hold them back. She grabbed a tissue from her desk and blotted her eyes. This whole line was a little unclear, particularly the blotted and sprung parts. I would change that.
How could they have such sharp tongues? Sharp tongues is way too formal for your style of writing. How can they make accusations like that? They haven’t seen Lauren in a year.

In homeroom the next day, all Lauren could think about were the fiery change to 'harsh' words she read about herself on the internet.
She quietly kept to herself during homeroom, being careful to avert everybody’s eyes. That seems to me like she physically got up and moved everyone's eyeballs away from her direction. Remember what I said about confusing readers with odd descriptions? Read over what you write and check that you're not giving readers an image that's totally different from what you're going for.
During lunch break, she sat with Megan, Taylor and Sierra. They ate silently. This is telling, not showing. Check this thread out topic52080.html It has a very good exercise for young writers who tell instead of showing. Give it a go! I'm the last poster in that game, so at least you will see one friendly person you know! Megan poked her salad with a fork. Even though you didn't go into detail, I got a good impression of how she is feeling. It's details like this which help us understand how your characters are feeling. Do more of this.
“Okay, enough with the silent treatment! What’s going on with you girls?” Lauren imploded. This outburst was very left field. Where did it come from? I thought she was nervous and trying not to talk to anyone. “We saw the messages… and didn’t really want to say anything.” Sierra spoke up.
“Oh… well, why not?” Lauren questioned, looking between her friends.
“I don’t know. We didn’t want to you know, make you angry or anything.” Taylor replied.
“Okay. I get it. You just don’t want me to turn against you, right? That’s it, you’re just making sure you don’t float outside your comfort zone.” Lauren snapped, grabbing her bag from the chair next to her.
“Find me when you come to your senses. ‘Kay?” Lauren rolled her eyes and stalked out of the cafeteria.
Lauren slipped into the bathroom Where did the bathroom come from? You need to stop teleporting your characters. and locked herself into a stall. Her heart raced and her breath was ragged.
She breathed deeply. You just said her breath was ragged. Moments later, her phone buzzed in her pocket. She took it out and opened it. It was a text message, from an unknown sender. Cautiously, she clicked on it.


God, Lauren…

You’re such a drama queen, aren’t you? If you don’t chill, are you going to move back to Paris to de-stress? Or are you going to go somewhere else and never come back? I’d go with the second one. Then we’d never have to see your face again.
Hugs!
- L

Okay, I love love love this part. It was very intense and built suspense. I really want to know who is sending these messages!

Lauren quickly shut her phone. Where were these stupid messages coming from? Nobody knows her secrets except for Carrie. How could Carrie be sending everyone messages? She died a few years ago, didn’t she? I think you let your readers down here. It just went from being suspenseful and intense to . . . not so. Build on her emotions here! What is she thinking and feeling? Also, if it turns out to be Carrie, then I wont be very impressed because you kind of gave it away.
Lauren shook her head. Don’t think like that. No one knew if Carrie was dead. Carrie went missing two years ago.
She didn’t die. At least, no one thought she was dead.
Carrie had been Lauren, Megan, Sierra and Taylor’s best friend, before she mysteriously went missing the summer before ninth grade. Nobody has seen her since.
IF Carrie was the one sending the messages, then why hasn’t she come home yet? Where was she?
The walls started to blur a bit I tripped over 'a bit'. Lauren struggled to steady herself then walked out of the bathroom with her head held high. She might look bullet proof, but she wasn’t fooling herself.
These messages were tearing her apart.

Okay, that was a pretty cool way to end.


How to improve: My main problem is your characters. They don't have their own personalities, and are coming across very same-y. In fact, it wasn't until halfway through did I realize that the last chapter had been about a different girl! They are way too similar. Also, you shouldn't switch perspectives so quickly. You're not giving us enough time to like your characters, which brings me to my second point.

I don't like your characters. So far, they are coming across as superficial and annoying. Do they have any redeeming qualities? Why was Carrie their friend? Show us what makes them interesting. Let me put it this way. Imagine that girl in your school who you really don't like. You know who I am talking about. That girl who everyone wants to know, yet seems like a total bitch. That girl who makes you think WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS GIRL?! Now imagine reading a story about her. You wouldn't do it, would you?

So yeah, give us a reason to like Megan and Lauren. Make them unique and interesting. Make us want to learn more about them. BUT don't make them perfect people! Keep some of their annoying traits. That will make them seem real and help us relate to them, because obviously, nobody is perfect.

Your descriptions are also at times confusing and hard to follow. But first, worry about your characters. I would really work on them before continuing this story, because right now, I want them to die. That is the challenge I am setting you.

Make me fall in love with your characters.

After that, I will help you with your descriptions and everything else.

Things you're doing well: So far, the text messages were the only parts I enjoyed. You know how to build suspense, so why not expand on that? Make us want to know what will happen next.

I think those are the main points I wanted to cover. I probably missed out on a lot . . . hopefully the next reviewer can help me out.

Happy writing! PM me once you have posted more. Also, I look forward to seeing you take part in that show /tell game.

Evil