Young Writers Society

Hello there, @RedMoon! It's Vilnius, here to review your work.

You've used excellent imagery to describe an era of war, death, and bloodshed during times of strife. I like how you've specified that this is a time for "iron, bronze, and steel," giving this poem a medieval feel. I think that by describing the men as "clothed in purple and scarlet," you've emphasized that nobles and royals are in this particular fray, and hw awful the fighting is.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

Hello! First, I'll echo what Kaos said about stanzas ^^

Now. I generally like where you're going with your imagery, but you're bogged down in being both concise and flowery in your wording. For instance, I think your first line is relatively indicative: "Crimson and scarlet mingle freely." Now, granted, I am taking this slightly out of context of the rest of the line, but that's also the first impression we have as readers. We don't know what you're talking about, other than colors, and the next few lines do not clarify. Yes, we do have your title, but that also only goes so far.

That aside, you're relying on paralleling things, but you're listing more than anything. Couple that with your punctuation (I have punctuation problems, so take anything I say there with a massive grain of salt) and we're left bogged down in details, not your words. Basically, what I'm getting from this is you're giving us lists, and trying to use punctuation to emphasize a point, but your point is getting lost in both your structure and lack of conventional structure. Which sounds really confusing now that I read it back.

So, let me take your first few lines as an example:

Crimson and scarlet mingle freely,
Dancing between rock and stone,
Leather and iron,
Crown the heads of noble men.

If this were written out as a sentence, it'd read as a run-on, and one without (oh lord, grammar, save me) a verb or a parent clause. Your last line almost is there, but doesn't quite work grammatically. But, basically, you don't have a complete sentence - which you don't always want or need in poetry! - but in this case I think it affects understanding. You don't have "Crown" linked to any of your nouns, so is it the crimson/scarlet that are crowning heads? The rock? or the leather and iron (which I think is your intent)?

Basically, I'm left to guess at how to read this - which again, is not always a bad thing! - but I don't think it was your intention here. So, this is how I end up reading this (punctuation/a couple words mixed up):

Crimson and scarlet mingle freely,
Dancing between rock and stone:
Leather and iron
Crown the heads of noble men.

That's one way to clarify. You could also say "leather and iron/that crown the heads..." for clarify, too. That's entirely up to you.

Anyway! The minutiae done: I really like some of the images you've started to build here, I just want you to do more with it! You tagged this with "politics," and I'd love to see more of that highlighted! You describe a battlefield, but you touch so briefly on the politics behind battles! I'd love to see more of the fools and empires juxtaposed with the grit and dirt and blood to highlight. Play with the colors you've started to explore - you can do a lot with that as a lens for focusing the rest of your imagery!

I hope at least some of that helped!

This is Kaos here for a review.

A small note before I get into this is that you don't have stanzas in this poem which I don't know if this was intentional or not but I think it would be beneficial to add stanzas. If you meant to have stanzas, in the Publishing Center you can have the lines together and then do shift+enter but if that's too vague of an explanation, you could do a "~" to indicate when your stanzas start and end.

Crimson and scarlet mingle freely,

Dancing between rock and stone,

Leather and iron,

Crown the heads of noble men.

Friend or foe, king or peasant:

None are free from

Attending this ball.

Iron, bronze, and steel -

Foundation of empires

And constructs of its demise -

Raze and ruin by the beckoning

Of men clothed in purple and scarlet,

And hung with gold.

Men, living, dying,

Surviving,

Following fools of the velvet cloth -

Fools made great by

Tortured deeds

Forever dogging their heels.

This is a fine little poem, with nice imagery.
I especially love the first stanza. Pure poetry! ^.^

I couldn't find any grammar issues to speak of, but overall I was left feeling like it could be better. I think your first stanza really set my expectations high.We are talking about war here! There is so much at your disposal.

When I went about trying to put my feelings into words I ended up writing my own version of your poem, which shows what I mean very well:


Crimson and scarlet mingle freely.

Dancing between Rock and Stone.

Men Lay dead after the melee,

Of Leather, Iron, and bone.


Friend or foe, king or peasant:

All were invited to the ball,

The door prize was most unpleasant -

Leather, Iron, and gall.


The Foundation of the Empires -

The Construct of their Ruination -

Raze and ruin by the fires,

Stoked by men of the coronation,


Men,

Living, dying, surviving,

Following fools of the velvet cloth -

and by their folly made rich,

with death, shame, and rot.


I'm sorry if this comes off a little... I don't know. I feel weird editing someone else's poem. They are so personal, :/

But this was the best way I could communicate what I meant by, "Feel like it could be better."

Do you see what I mean?

What you have written is good, but it feels like a diamond in the rough. It's got the shiny parts that flow, with words that dance, but it also have rough bits that make reading it feel awkward.

It needs a little polishing to bring out it's full potential.

Again, poetry is completely subjection and personal, if you love it as it is, that is all I need to hear.

Have a good day, and keep writing!!! ^.^