Sonnet No. 1
I am sitting here, attempting to write.
Have to make poetry from a dead rock.
The room lacks pointless, inspiring light,
My mind sears with an apathetic lock.
And my tries for freshness being fruitless.
Writing is a facade of moral smarts.
And in writing, our problems are rootless..
Trying to write good words; just paper darts.
Darts oozing despair and cynicism.
This whole piece is just a hypocrisy,
You too will write in this broken rhythm,
But chagrin is ne’er said so audibly.
So why not say it for this assignment?
And all can bask in false enlightenment.
Sonnet No. 2
They say that everything has a reason.
They also say that pleasure leads to pain.
But if pleasure leads to pain, where's reason?
If it's both, what's to lose, or even gain?
If we can remember the fun we had,
Why hate present, when I can love that past?
I'll be no cynic, but a happy lad.
And never notice which day was the last.
Cause my life was lived, not spent in a room.
My life was fun. Yeah, it had agony.
But really, like hell I'll live life in a tomb.
For pleasure I jumped off that balcony.
Can you tell me,friend, which one has more harm?
Spending years at desk, or needle in arm?
Final Sonnet
At the end of day, are we not the same?
No matter the words known or could be said?
At some point, we'll all take some of the blame.
I hate many cynics, but we’ll pass soon.
No matter if you wrote code or washed a plate.
We were so sad, and we were so happy.
We all had such love, and now have such hate.
Once these days were good, now it's just crappy.
We write and think of suicide and death.
But that's just stalling, and this pain is numb.
By thoughts in song two, thoughts of girls like Beth.
That's what's remembered by me, the lost bum.
Am I in the once had that had to end?
This is why the old men go round the bend…
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi RedHeathen! Whatcha here for a review.
I'm just going to review one sonnet - Sonnet No. 2.
Just a side note - everything I say is opinions, don't take it to heart and feel free to ask questions!
Let's jump right into it!
''They say that everything has a reason.
They also say that pleasure leads to pain.
But if pleasure leads to pain, where's reason?
If it's both, what's to lose, or even gain?''
'they also say that pleasure leads to pain' made me think of the song 'beauty is pain ... she fades away ...' I doubt that was the intention, but it still did it!
Anyways, enough of my chatter!
What do you mean by 'if it's both, what's to lose, or even gain?'? Do you mean, 'if pleasure leads to pain and there's a reason, what's to lose or even gain?'? Because if that's what you mean it makes more sense
''If we can remember the fun we had,
Why hate present, when I can love that past?
I'll be no cynic, but a happy lad.
And never notice which day was the last.''
'and never notice which day was the last' so basically, the way I understand this line is you're so happy, you don't care if this was your last day?
''Cause my life was lived, not spent in a room.
My life was fun. Yeah, it had agony.
But really, like hell I'll live life in a tomb.
For pleasure I jumped off that balcony.''
'cause' should be ' 'cause', if that makes sense - otherwise it means the cause of something.
'But really, like hell I'll live life in a tomb' might sound better/make more sense if you say 'but really, with pleasure I'll live the rest of my life in a tomb'. Although, you're not technically alive when you're in a tomb ... maybe you could reconsider that line? But it may just be me. 'Balcony' and 'agony' don't really rhyme ... compare 'balcony' to 'falconry' and maybe you'll get what I'm trying to say.
''Can you tell me,friend, which one has more harm?
Spending years at desk, or needle in arm?''
Between 'me,' and 'friend', put a space, as in 'me, friend'. See what I mean?
Okay, a few things - all the rest of your poem goes abab, whereas these two last lines go aabb. Does that even make sense? But if you don't care that the structure of your poem changes, keep it like that.
Also, just a moment before you said that you jumped off a balcony, now you're talking about needle in arm. I get what you're saying, but you are kind of jumping here to there without warning.
Altogether ... great sonnet! All you things besides mentioned rhyme perfectly - and this sonnet is obviously supposed to rhyme.
Keep writing!
~whatcha
Thanks for the review, Pearl, and I'm happy you enjoyed it!
With, "what's to lose, or even gain", was saying if pleasure and pain are one and the same or go hand in hand, there is nothing to lose or gain.
With your second point on, "last day", that was what I was getting at.
I'll also proofread my work more for little typos like ",friend" and, "cause."
Now that I look at it, agony and balcony don't exactly rhyme the best, thanks for catching that for me!
And for harm and arm, the last two lines, from what I know in a sonnet, it goes like: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG, with harm and arm being the G.
But thanks so much for your review, and one last thing for my own curiosity: which sonnet was your favourite?
You're welcome. I didn't realize that about sonnets
The second, which is why I think I reviewed it ...
Hello! Sumer here to pop in and give you a quick review.
Sonnet No. 1
I would like to start off by saying I'm not sure why but I felt as if this sonnet was a little depressing but in the same sense comical. I hope this is what you were aiming for.
Alright, I only found two things that seemed to stand out and catch my eye.
The first thing would be capitalization, this is only a simple mistake. And I'd say your device automatically corrected that for you, though you always need to remember to correct those issues.
My last comment for this review would be in line three you said 'The room lacks pointless, inspiring light' and this caused a little confusion for me. If the light is pointless, how is it inspiring?
sonnet No. 2
Alright, of course capitalization is and issue here but I'm not going to fret over that. My first comment is on lines one and three, yes they rhyme but they only rhyme because they are simply the same word. So repetition here is a probably because you do not want to continuously repeat yourself, that can get boring. And even though the words mean and have different meanings in the lines they still are the same word. So maybe finding a synonym that rhymes to replace it would help?
Another thing I would like to point out would be your patterns, you simply need stanzas, I understand this site doesn't allow for great stanzas. So when the flow of the poem changes you should start a new stanza, for example:
'They say that everything has a reason.
They also say that pleasure leads to pain.
But if pleasure leads to pain, where's reason?
If it's both, what's to lose, or even gain?
If we can remember the fun we had,
Why hate present, when I can love that past?
I'll be no cynic, but a happy lad.
And never notice which day was the last.
Cause my life was lived, not spent in a room.
My life was fun. Yeah, it had agony.
But really, like hell I'll live life in a tomb.
For pleasure I jumped off that balcony.
Can you tell me,friend, which one has more harm?
Spending years at desk, or needle in arm?'
Sonnet No. 3
Okay, w/ this sonnet I can honestly say I tried to understand your reasoning here w/ the pattern. At first I thought it could be, even though rare, an A-B-A-C pattern but this only works w/ some of the lines. So I would advise you look at that.
Example:
'At the end of day, are we not the same?
No matter the words known or could be said?
At some point, we'll all take some of the blame.
I hate many cynics, but we’ll pass soon.
No matter if you wrote code or washed a plate.
We were so sad, and we were so happy.
We all had such love, and now have such hate.
Once these days were good, now it's just crappy.'
This shows the A-B-A-C to A-B-A-B method and then you go on to use the A-B-A to A-A. But all the same I still think the sonnets have great meaning they just need a little bit of work. Also, stanzas would clear this bit of an issue up very quickly. So maybe find a pattern that suites you and make stanzas to go along w/ it.
Though I did say a lot of things I do believe you should change about these sonnets, I would like to say I think they're amazing and have great meaning none the less. As always continue to write and I hope to see more of you heart felt work soon.
- Sumer
Thanks a ton for your review! Since I copied and pasted the sonnets from google docs, the formatting and capitulation was weird, but I'll definitely look out for that next. I will also try and figure out making stanzas and make sure my work is structured and avoid repetition to keep it fresh. I'm really happy you liked it, and I'll keep at it!
Amazing! And I do hope you're aware they are all great.
Haha thank you. Out of curiosity, which sonnet was your personal favorite?