I couldn't breathe.
The air was too tight, and my throat was raw, weak from all the screaming. I had stopped that some time ago, knowing it was useless. It would not help.
He was still out there, just waiting.
He was always waiting.
Always watching.
He had taken me away at my most vulnerable, when I had too much to drink. He dumped me in his car, not caring if I broke a bone from the way he dropped me.
He wanted me to suffer.
"Please," I muttered, "let me go."
Silence.
It seemed like hours and hours before he replied, his voice deep and bitter.
"I'm never letting you go."
I shook my head, trying to move my arms to touch my face, to rub the tears from my eyes. They, my hands, were bound by shackles.
Panic spread through me like a virus and I started to cry again, louder this time. I dropped my head.
The door opened slowly, and as his footsteps came closer, I felt his hands on me. He grabbed my face with rough hands and forced me to look at him.
I knew then that I would not live to see the next sunrise. I would not live to see anything.
The last thing I would see before he killed me were his eyes -- green, haunted, murderous -- but oh so lovely all at the same time.
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140,332 Literary Works • 673,111 Reviews
Hey there!
Also "They, my hands" sounds weird. Just "My hands were bound by shackles" would do.
I like this story, it's already in the midst of the conflict at the start, where the character is suffering at the hands of her torturer or killer.
"He had taken me away at my most vulnerable, when I had too much to drink. He dumped me in his car, not caring if I broke a bone from the way he dropped me."
I think this sentence could use some editing. "taken me away" doesn't sound rough enough, given that the character was suffering. "dropped" too doesn't seem a very strong word to break a bone.
"Please," I muttered, "let me go."
In this case I don't think muttered should be used. Your character is out of breath and her/his throat is pretty dry. Rasped would probably be a better suiting word here.
I agree with Stella, the sentence.
"I shook my head, trying to move my arms to touch my face, to rub the tears from my eyes. They, my hands, were bound by shackles."
Nobody really shakes their head to move their arms.
"I dropped my head."
How would you drop your head? In the first place were you sitting up or lying on the ground?
I like the last sentence, which ended it all.
"green, haunted, murderous -- but oh so lovely all at the same time. "
It shows an irony here, the killer who's eyes would capture the heart of any girl. Cliche, but then again, it fits here so I'm not complaining.
Overall I think you could work on the character of the guy who kidnapped her. For the reader to really feel his eyes, you should have mentioned it more than once, not just at the last sentence. Maybe the first time she/he saw them? How did the character feel? Mesmerized, or frightened?
Hope my review helped!
Hello! Alrighty, from the beginning, you have a pro-in-progress style, meaning I can see you as a pro writer if you can push yourself a little more. Here's something you need: add more details! I want to know your characters emotions, the terrifying fear that chills down to their spine. Is his heart pounding? Is cold sweat covering him like a wet blanket? Have they gone numb from utter terror? Tell me! Also tell me the pain they felt when they were dropped. Unleash your inner Poe! Tell whatever it takes to make the audience check their closets for the boogeyman, if they read this in the dark, make them inch away from the windows. You can do this! Keep writing, lol
Hey Red! Welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, I'll be your reviewer today
I think this could use some rewording.
Okay so as a piece of flash fiction this is really well done, there's a lot of tension in it, and some fantastic imagery, so nice job there
I do have a few issues though that are worth considering. I had an English teacher who said you should never kill a character in a short story because your reader hasn't had enough time to care for them. Now I disagree, but he does have a point, it is hard to have readers invest in a story this length! A little characterisation is really required to give this piece an extra edge.
I would also like to have seen a little more backstory, I can't decide if she (I assume she) knew this guy previously or not, the description of the eyes and a few other hints suggest that she did, others imply it was a random attack. If she did know him before, it'd be worth mentioning how and why and why he wants to hurt her now.
This is really short, which is somewhat of a quality in itself, but don't be afraid to fill it out, with meat like characterisation and background and even some more luxurious descriptions. It could make a lot of difference!
But overall this was very well done, I loved the style!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x