E - Everyone

Girl at the Coffee Shop

There is a girl who sits at the coffee table in front of mine. She is young and so usually full of joy and life. Every day she comes in at noon, orders a coffee, light on the sugar but heavy on the cream with a dash of nutmeg. With the coffee she orders either a bran muffin or a blueberry scone. The girl is a college student, I think, for she often has a bag of books with her, reading glasses and look of determination on her face. When the coffee and scone arrive she brings out her books and places them on the table and will read them for exactly two hours. After two hours have ticked by slowly she gathers her belongings, leaves the waitress or waiter who served her and then walks out of the little diner just as quietly as she walks in.

The coffee shop where I often visit is a little one on the corner of a very busy street. It’s been open for ten years and is owned by a large Italian family who barely speak English. The aromas that waft out every time the door is opened are Heaven sent. Scents of warm coffee, rich chocolate and deep cinnamon seduce you into coming in for “just a minute”. I often say to myself, “I’ll just be in a minute to get a coffee and then be on my way”, and end up in there for hours at a time, quietly sipping my coffee while reading the newspaper. I do this every morning of every day of every week.

I noticed the young girl frequenting the coffee shop about a month ago. She is a beautiful and frail looking thing, can’t be over the age of nineteen. Her chestnut brown hair is often swept up into a messy bun that perches on the top of her head. She prefers to go unnoticed and therefore dresses in a very plain style, wearing just a simple sweater here or a plain T-shirt there paired with jeans and either boots or tennis shoes depending on the weather. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her wear a spot of makeup or jewelry. The girl was raised with manners for she thanks the waiters and waitresses politely each time they serve her and often tidies up her table and leaves a lovely tip before leaving each day. A  brown book bag is slung over her shoulder and in it heavy books on poetry and music and art. These books are her pride and joy and she takes great care of them, as they are old in age but young in condition. 

 Such a lovely girl and yet I’ve never seen an attractive young man at her side or walking her across the street from her apartment to the coffee shop. I know that no man resides with her for she lives on the floor above mine in a large and very old apartment building. I have often gone upstairs to invite her over for dinner or see if she wants company, but just as I’m about to knock I turn away and leave, for why should she want to spend time with me, an old woman with white hair and deep wrinkles that tell many stories? She is young and will want to spend time with others her age so they can discuss beauty tips and giggle over young men who’ve caught their eyes. What can I talk to her about? I am too old now to be giggling over young men and discussing beauty tips that’ll do me no justice. No, I shall leave her to her own company and mind my own business.

It is a new day and I am at my table at the coffee shop, the waitress has just brought me my coffee and cinnamon roll and now I wait for the young girl to enter. A magazine lies open in front of me, so I begin to read but then I hear the door open and close and she’s at her table. The girl sits down at her table but she has no books with her. Her hair is down and now you see just how long and thick it is and that it is not only a chestnut brown but also has blonde highlights. A bright yellow sweater and white jeans with sandals replace the usual dismal sweater with plain jeans and shoes. And..what’s this? She has on a bracelet and a spot of makeup. I begin to wonder what has brought about this change in her when suddenly a young man appears and sits at the table with her. He is handsome in his own way, with messy brown hair, glasses that sit on the tip of his nose and dimples when he smiles. 

 He is tall with broad shoulders and has a hearty and cheerful laugh. He seems perfect for the young girl, but something feels wrong about him. As though he is faking all this charm and perfection just so he can hurt her in the end. The hairs on the back of my neck all stand high as I observe the two of them. The way he reaches over to kiss her cheek but she moves away, a shy look on her face as she laughs nervously. A look of frustration flashes over his face and is quickly replaced with amusement, as he places his hand firmly on her thigh and kisses her instead on the lips. Her look of delight is forced and in her eyes there’s a look of disgust. I have now put down my magazine to watch as his hand moves up her leg as she squirms uncomfortably under his intense and eery gaze. 

 She squirms more until finally she gets up, telling him she needs to go to the bathroom. The young man doesn’t believe her though, and grabs her wrist and pulls her to his lap. She struggles to get up but he has his arm wrapped around her waist. In an instant his charming face changes into an ugly snarl as he hisses hateful words at her. As tears roll down her cheeks, washing the makeup away and revealing the bruises that she so desperately tried to hide, I feel compelled to get up and rush to her defense. But instead I sit and watch, for what could I, an old woman, do against that young man? But Oh! How my heart wrenches within me to see her suffer so.

The young man snatches her to her feet and drags her back to the apartment. I call the police later, explaining what I saw and am told that unless I see him hit her, they can do nothing.

The young girl stopped frequenting the coffee shop. I got there at the same time each day and did not leave until closing, but still I never saw her. Then one morning the police showed up at my apartment building. They went upstairs and I followed, curious to see what all the fuss was about.

 A dead body had been found, it was a young woman, she’d been raped on multiple occasions and was badly beaten. I recognized her right away and let out a choked cry as I stared into her lifeless eyes. Eyes so blue that used to be full of such life, now were empty. A face so lovely was now covered in purple bruises. The young man was nowhere to be found. Her name was Karena, she was a college student working to get her degree in art and music. She loved coffee, light on the sugar but heavy on the cream with a dash of nutmeg. She ate ramen noodles everyday to save money for college and worked long hours at the bookstore. Her family was dead and she had no other relatives or friends.

There was a young girl who used to sit at the coffee table in front mine, she used to be so full of life, but now she’s gone. I attended her funeral, there was nobody else there, and afterwards I started a campaign on making people aware of the silent abuse women endure. We have saved thousands of lives, thanks to the young girl at the coffee shop.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
bmnovelist
Review

This has an amazing plot twist! I'm not sure that I enjoyed the last paragraph and the last sentence of the second last paragraph. It doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the story, or have the same style of writing. However I liked the fact that the old woman had attended the girl's funeral, but I think that the sentences:

"Her family was dead and she had no other relatives or friends."
"there was nobody else there, and afterwards I started a campaign on making people aware of the silent abuse women endure. We have saved thousands of lives, thanks to the young girl at the coffee shop."

I feel like those sentences are very abrupt and too quick to the point. I'm not sure that "thanks to the young girl at the coffee shop" is a very fitting thing to say. Especially because it's kind of saying "thanks to the terrible occurrences that happened to her" as if saying that the rape and abuse was somehow a good thing. I understand what you are trying to pinpoint though. I just think this is the wrong approach.

It started out a little stalker-like, but it has very good descriptive details. Obviously, the girl had come in VERY OFTEN if the old woman had gotten used to what the girl's order was, and had knew it by heart. But, I feel that some of your ideas contradict each other:

The woman knew the girl's order by heart, but
a) the coffee shop is VERY good, one of the best, and it's on a busy street, which you could reasonably assume that the shop is VERY BUSY. So, the old woman happens to focus on THIS particular girl, instead of anyone else, and the fact that she "focuses" on anyone at all - because of how many people there are in the shop.
b) She would have to be able to hear the girl's order over the loudness of the customers.

But, I understand what you mean. Just a couple of things that might contradict each other that you might want to work on to avoid confusion.

Overall, I loved reading your short story! The plot twist was excellent! Especially because it was very cheery in the beginning, and then turned quickly to an abusive theme. Well done! Unexpected by me!

User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hello there! Happy Review Day.

What a lovely but terrifying story. The narrator - the old woman - was very observant and I loved how that was portrayed through the writing. The writing itself was also very descriptive and the girl, Karena, felt alive in my mind and all the descriptions were just simply lovely.

It's really hard for readers to read when paragraphs are in big chunks, so I'd advise maybe splitting them up a little so the paragraphs are easier to read and it separates big ideas. The flow will be improved on as well.

I think there's something off about the description here. The overall description is good, but there are some little things that I feel need a bit more meat to them, especially when it comes to the narrator's emotions. For example:

In an instant his charming face changes into an ugly snarl as he hisses hateful words at her. Tears are now rolling down her cheeks, washing the makeup away and revealing the bruises that she so desperately tried to hide.


During this area, the description was amazing and I loved the emotion from the young girl (it felt very real) but I felt nothing from the old woman. The story felt a bit too much like the lady was just reciting what was happening, but she herself had not much to think about either. Does that make sense? Of course, there are some areas where this really shows through and the narrator does speak through well.

She loved coffee, light on the sugar but heavy on the cream with a dash of nutmeg. She ate ramen noodles everyday to save money for college and worked long hours at the bookstore.


I loved this bit. Referencing back to the beginning part made my heart leap and was ahhhh, so sad.

I think that's all I have to say! Great work, and amazing story with an amazing message.

~ EternalRain

Thanks so very much, I appreciate it ^_^

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Observations

Every day she comes in at noon, orders a coffee, light on the sugar but heavy on the cream with a dash of nutmeg.
It seems that our main character is a bit of a stalker. No one notices and remembers what someone orders unless they are paying close attention to the person.

Her hair, brown in color, is often swept up into a messy bun that perches on the top of her head.
I feel that you could have worded this a bit better. Maybe something like this
Her brown hair is often swept up into a messy bun that perches on the top of her head.
Also if you wrote it like this, it would leave more room for you to describe the colour of her hair a bit more. What type of brown is it? Is it chestnut or fawn coloured?

A heavy, brown book bag is slung over her shoulder and in it heavy books on poetry and music and art.
I think that you could have left out the first heavy in the sentence, since you were going to describe the books as heavy later on in the same sentence.

an old woman with white hair and deep wrinkles that tell many stories?
Oh so it's a granny. Never expected that.

Grammar, Punctuation and Structure

The only problem that I found was that you tend to write in really long paragraphs. It's a bit daunting to the eye and can put of a reader. If I were you, I'd try to split them up a bit.

Overall thoughts

Story plot: I really like the story plot and the pacing of it. You didn't make it drag out forever, but had it at just the right pace to let us get to know the characters. It was a fairly simple story, but had an important message.

Characters: I felt that the introduction to the girl was pretty good. You gave some details about her with out actually shoving it in the readers face. You did a great job of showing and not telling what age she was and a bit of her personality. I also thought you're description on the man was pretty good too. You gave him a really creepy feel and yet described that he was handsome. Good job on that. :D

Description:
The aromas that waft out every time the door is opened are Heaven sent. Scents of warm coffee, rich chocolate and deep cinnamon seduce you into coming in for “just a minute”.
Good job on the description. Not many people actually describe what a smell smells like. Often they would have just written the first sentence. It's great to see that you went further than that and decided to give me a bit more insight into what you're characters feeling. It helped me get more into the story.

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image

Thank you so very much, I appreciate the review! :D



In short, Mrs. Pontellier was beginning to realize her position in the universe as a human being, and to recognize her relations as an individual to the world within and about her.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening