He was new around these parts, but I couldn't help but feel as if I knew him already. He wasn't attractive but he wasn't ugly either. His hair was black and shaggy, his eyes, Oh! his eyes, so dark a brown they appeared to be black stones. He had a smile that was contagious and a loud, bubbly laugh. One hour with him and you felt you could tell him everything and nothing at the same time. My heart screamed at me to get to know him but my head said to stay far, far away. I should've listened to my head. The seventh day of his arrival was the first day my heart would begin to break.
His name is Adam. He'll be working at my job as a permanent employee. His parents were killed when he was young and he'd bounced from foster home to foster home until he was eighteen. He had no aspirations of going to college or getting a great job. A small salary and a small shack was all he really wanted. He had no siblings or living relatives around. His friends were of undesirable company which suited him. He seemed confident while timid all at once.
It was my job to show him the ropes. It wasn't a hard job, all we did was stack boxes of food supplies and keep inventory. His job was keeping inventory. We were in the inventory room, a small, cramped space, going over each list and what to write. I was sitting up on a chest, holding the list in my hands, laughing with Adam. We were discussing senseless things when suddenly he closed the small space between us and placed his hands on waist. His eyes were intense as he gazed into mine. I kissed him. It was impulsive. And probably foolish. But boy, did it feel good. His lips closed against mine in a passionate return. I found myself tangling my fingers in his hair, leaning forward, as he squeezed my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled me into his embrace, holding me close, kissing me hard. Just as quickly as it started it ended. Our foreheads rested against each other as we caught our breaths. I kissed his nose. He kissed my mouth and all over again we began to lose control.
Needless to say we didn't get much inventory done.
I kept my distance from Adam for a long while. I refused his calls and frequent emails. The longer I ignored him the more I wanted him. We arranged to meet at his house, my first mistake.
I showered for a long time as I prepared to go see Adam. My long, red curls, had been brushed, fluffed and combed out. I wore an ivy green dress that showed ample cleavage and stopped way above my knees. Simple black heels accompanied my attire along with a light coating of perfume. I arrived at his house right on time.
Adam answered the door wearing a suit and tie. His hair had been cut and combed. He wore cologne and grin that stretched from ear to ear. I was ushered in the house and to his bedroom.
As he kissed my neck warning signs begin to go off. Two weeks of knowing the guy and we were doing THIS? Something was not right, obviously, but all I could feel was his lips on my flesh.
I lost my virginity that night. And the next. And every night that week. It was becoming more and more difficult to stay away from him. It seemed everytime there was a five minute break we were together, fueling the passionate flame we'd ignited.
Then my heart break struck. I was checking inventory when I stumbled in on him with another helpless girl, about to lose her sacred, delicate virginity. I did not feel angry so much as I felt pity for her and for him. And for the child I was to bear in nine months. A child who would never know her father. I didn't react to the sight before me, merely turned away and walked out. My heart was crushed. The man I had shared with so many vulnerable parts of my life,had just thrown them back at me.
This memory flashed through my mind as I looked into the eyes of my newborn daughter. She had his black hair and eyes. I would ensure she did not have my naive nature and foolish heart. She would have a man better than the one I had.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
This work really caught my attention. It is really heart warming in the end when we understand she is sitll willing to go on and live for the child she had beared. Adam can try finding better girl than her, hah. Anyways, good job really. I found only several mistakes that I will mention down below that you can check and edit if you think it is the right thing to do, of couse. I think this story has a very beautiful ending. The main chara is right in the end, he will not stay happy for long with the virginity he is going to take. She got pregnant from him but that does not matter. The child deserves to live, and I am sure, the child will be a sweetheart.
Here, you had forgotten the word 'my' before 'waist'.
Only a comma before 'the more'.
You can not lose your virginity more than once so these lines kind of odd even if I understand the main idea of it.
Overall, good job! Keep on writing.
I've read through this post and I've got some things I want to point out.
First of all, I liked that you didn't describe Adam as physically perfect because that happens a lot in stories. Writers create some physically perfect, painfully attractive character that unfortunately, some readers use to judge those around them. There's nothing wrong with physically attractive characters but I just like the slight modification.
Secondly, there are a few mistakes like where you say *hands on waist* there's a missing *my*.
Thirdly, to me I would say that you already projected him as a bad choice for her and I like that that's where the battle between the heart and the mind came in. I wish she could have spoken to him instead of leaving things to play out the way they did with his new prey.
I felt Adam was too laid back and unserious for her to even place her hopes on him. But it shows what clouded perception does to a person.
I also love that she seemed to love her newborn baby despite circumstances and was ready to be a good mother. She learned from her mistakes but saw her child as a blessing.
I've read through this post and I've got some things I want to point out.
First of all, I liked that you didn't describe Adam as physically perfect because that happens a lot in stories. Writers create some physically perfect, painfully attractive character that unfortunately, some readers use to judge those around them. There's nothing wrong with physically attractive characters but I just like the slight modification.
Secondly, there are a few mistakes like where you say *hands on waist* there's a missing *my*.
Thirdly, to me I would say that you already projected him as a bad choice for her and I like that that's where the battle between the heart and the mind came in. I wish she could have spoken to him instead of leaving things to play out the way they did with his new prey.
I felt Adam was too laid back and unserious for her to even place her hopes on him. But it shows what clouded perception does to a person.
I also love that she seemed to love her newborn baby despite circumstances and was ready to be a good mother. She learned from her mistakes but saw her child as a blessing.
I've read through this post and I've got some things I want to point out.
First of all, I liked that you didn't describe Adam as physically perfect because that happens a lot in stories. Writers create some physically perfect, painfully attractive character that unfortunately, some readers use to judge those around them. There's nothing wrong with physically attractive characters but I just like the slight modification.
Secondly, there are a few mistakes like where you say *hands on waist* there's a missing *my*.
Thirdly, to me I would say that you already projected him as a bad choice for her and I like that that's where the battle between the heart and the mind came in. I wish she could have spoken to him instead of leaving things to play out the way they did with his new prey.
I felt Adam was too laid back and unserious for her to even place her hopes on him. But it shows what clouded perception does to a person.
I also love that she seemed to love her newborn baby despite circumstances and was ready to be a good mother. She learned from her mistakes but saw her child as a blessing.
This is an interesting story, it has great potential, I enjoyed how you introduced the character, we got to learnt much about the guy, however, we know little about the main character. Also, you seem to jump from one event to the next without using transitions, we understand she meets the guy, then they start kissing, then we ignored him, i get an idea why, but its not substantial. Aforementioned, its a good story, but it could use some work.
I love the message of your story, and I hate to do it, but here's my review as I went through (I promise it'll get better once I'm done picking through it!):
I liked the first sentence, after that you jumped into description.
Description is great, but you have to be careful not to make a shopping list of qualities.
Like:
He has brown hair
Blue eyes
Tall
Just shoving these traits at a reader can bore them and cause them to lose interest. Show not tell tends to work better when it comes to keeping a reader's attention.
"his eyes, Oh! his eyes," You could probably end the sentence after the first 'his eyes' then it would give the 'Oh!' A reason to be capatilized. If you want to keep 'his eyes' lowercase you'll have to join the 'Oh!' To the sentence, otherwise you'll need to capitalize 'his.'
There's an 'a' between 'dark' and 'brown' that doesn't need to be there.
I see what you're trying to do in the fourth sentence, and part of me gets it. The rest is confused. It might help to use a different punctuation.
(Yours) "One hour with him and you felt you could tell him everything and nothing at the same time."
(My suggestion) 'One hour with him and you'd feel you could tell him everything, but at the same time nothing at all.'
That, however, might just be my preference. In the end it's your writing, your choice.
The last sentence of the first paragraph comes out of nowhere. It's not related to the other content I had read at the point and quite frankly, it baffled me. I believe it was a transition, but it felt disjointed and off. Trying connecting the content of the first paragraph to the transition.
"He'll be working at my job as a permanent employee."
You could specify what the job was, and what position the narrator is, by changing the word job. Is he working at the narrator's office? If it's the narrator's office, immediate manager-employee relationship is established. I know it's not the main part, but it's a little thing to keep in mind to help build your story's world. Minor details keep the stories spinning 'round!
Keep in mind show, not tell.
In the third paragraph, second line "His job was keeping inventory." Unless it's absolutely crucial the reader understands his job for a future event, it would be safe to assume the reader would infer that of him after the first sentence in that paragraph.
"It was impulsive. And probably foolish."
That could be combined into one sentence.
Good description after that! I could picture what's happening and you're doing a great job!
"Our foreheads rested against each other as we caught our breaths."
You could change 'rested' to 'resting' and 'breaths' 'breath' just for simplicity's sake.
'Email' typically has a hyphen, 'E-mail' but that's just plain nitpicky.
"My long, red curls, had been brushed, fluffed and combed out." Hmm... You're getting better, but show, not tell would be more like, 'The glow of his porch light illuminated her red curls that she had clearly spent hours curling.' Or for first person, 'The glow of his porch light shown on my hair, making it appear strawberry blonde (I don't know...) instead of its usual vibrant red color. As I waited for him, I mindlessly twisted my fingers around my curls, tugging once to ensure they'd stay in place.' I'm not good with hair, so pardon the description. But yeah... Sorry for the on the spot examples. I'm bound to have screwed up grammatically in there at least once. Continuing on!
"He wore cologne and grin that stretched from ear to ear."
Probably meant for an 'a' to be before grin. But I wanted to point this out because I liked it, not to criticize it. The second I read that, I thought 'The grin of a Cheshire.' Like the cat from Alice in Wonderland. I don't know why, but I did and I liked it so I wanted to say good job! Just a minor bloop.
Your writing is beautiful and I love it. Please write more!
"The man I had shared with so many vulnerable parts of my life,had just throw them back me."
I don't know if you meant for the comma to be there and have a space, or just didn't want the sneak-attack comma to be there in the first place. Either way, just in case you're planning on going back and editing. There it is... Sorry, I really am not enjoying this but I want to help. I hope you know that I'm not doing this to annoy or offend you.
I love your story and it's message! Please keep writing and sorry for nitpicking so much!
-Notra (Notrandomatall)
Hello, Eternity here to review your work!
I just wanted to start off by saying well done because this is a very excellent topic to write on due to the fact is happens a lot in today's society as far as I hear and pay attention. It's definitely something people don't fully understand until you experience it first hand; however I think you did an excellent job here. I love your descriptions within this piece but I do have a few nitpicks.
This sentence is really the only one that strikes me as confusing just because of the wording. "This memory flashed through my mind as I looked into the eyes of newborn daughter." I think you just forgot something like "our" or "my" before "of".
Other than that, amazing job. I hope I helped slightly, and let me know if you ever want me to review other works. I apologize this review is a little short because it is late here and I've had a long day. Anyways, have a good day/night and keep up the good work.