Author's Note: Hi! I'm Rebecca and I just started this account, so this is the first chapter I ever posted here. Be sure to leave me a comment or a review telling me what you liked about the first chapter of a story I'm writing, which still doesn't have a name, though I plan on getting one soon. By the way, sorry this chapter is pretty short, but if you guys want to then I can start writing longer ones. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and that you stick around for future chapters!
---
"Are you sure?"
"Yep. See?" Glenn shaked the tripod "Doesn't fall."
We were in the kitchen, figuring out how to stop the camara from falling into the buttercream frosting.This had happened twice already.
"Thanks Glenn, you are the best" I smile at him. "What would I ever do without you?"
"I don't even wanna know" he says between laughs.
We have had this exact conversation so many times that it feels like we are living the same day over and over again, as if we were walking in circles. Most people would be pretty annoyed by this, but it's as if my day wouldn't be complete without having Glenn there to laugh at my jokes, and to have him help me with my channel and all that other technological stuff I was never good at understanding.
I press the REC button on the camara and take the frosting out of the KITCHENAID. I draw a smile on my face when seeing the texture of the frosting. It's soft, it's creamy and it's smooth. I dip my finger into the rich, savoury frosting, and taste it's utterly sweet flavor. It's perfect.
Right then I hear the dingalinging sound of the door, creaking open as my gaze goes to the entrance.
"Hello, Monica, dear!"
"Afternoon Mrs. Jennings, what can I get for you today?"I say, welcoming the old woman.
"Do you have one of those magical apple pies I love?" She exclaims.
"Why of course! Where are you headed?"
"Oh, just a little meeting up in Lidia's house." Ms. Jennings says, her gaze looking at the cakes displayed up on the dashboard.
I've known Ms. Jennings since I was a little girl. I can still remember her trying to babysit my sister and I when we were younger. I also remember liking the way she smells like rain, and how just seeing her smile makes you feel all warm and cozy inside.
I finish packing the apple pie in the yellow box with the bakery's logo on it.
"Why thank you, dear" Ms. Jennings says, as I hand over the pastry-themed paper bag.
"Enjoy and come again later!" I say with a smile, as I watch Ms. Jennings hop on her car and drive away.
"Ready to keep recording?" Asks Glenn from the kitchen. I go over to see that he has already set up the lights and added the microphone.
"Thanks Glenn, you are the best" I smile.
"What would you ever do without me?" He says, before I can open my mouth again.
I giggle, as I walk over to the counter, already smelling the rich scent of freshly baked goodness.
Hope you guys liked the first chapter! xoxo -R
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hello there, Rebecca!
! I could almost taste the buttery frosting and hear the ring of Ms. Jenning's voice as she came into the bakery.
First of all, I would like you to know that I am quite satisfied with this first chapter. It introduced your characters beautifully and it also gave the reader some insight on what the rest of your novel will look like.
Your descriptions made me feel all warm and cozy inside
I'm afraid your punctuation didn't irradiate those feelings. I noticed that you tend to forget to put a comma or period before your quotient marks. For example, in the following sentence:
"Thanks Glenn, you are the best" I smile.
You should put either a period or a comma right in between 'best' and the quotation mark.
But other than that little mistake (which I happen to make all the time) your first chapter is flawless! Please notify me when Chapter 2 comes out so I can find out what happens
XOXO,
Erika Hale
Hey, Rebecca! This was a really nice chapter. It had me chuckling two sentences in. I would definitely love to see more of this book, but it would be nice if the chapters were smaller. Mrs. Jennings sounds like a wonderful person, and I love the way you described her. I've never met someone who smelled like rain, but it's very interesting.
The dialog was a little bit stiff when you wrote, "You are the best." Contractions are more natural when it comes to people talking. I couldn't help but notice that you skipped a few commas, between what the character says and how they said it (if that makes any sense). '"I don't even wanna know" he says between laughs.' There should be a comma between 'know' and the quotation mark.
So, yeah! I really want to read your book, so I'll be stalking you now.
Hello! My name's Gummy and I here to review this chapter of yours, free of charge! (Hey, it's a learning experience for both of us, of course it's fair.) As custom dictates, I will study the good parts of the piece before pointing out those that still need a few more minutes in the oven... I apologize.
This chapter does a pretty good job about introducing the first few main characters that we'll see during the rest of the novel. Grammar-wise, this chapter in particular has an almost perfect score, with the very few exceptions being missing commas or writing a sentence or two that can be rewritten to optimize the effect of it on the reader.
The biggest issue with this particular chapter is the lack of plot advancement. Even though there is a lot of dialogue shown here, but most of it is mundane small talk that can be removed or rewritten to make space for more character development, for example. Secondly, there's a lot of emphasis placed on the dialogue in this chapter, but there very few other elements of exposition included, compared to all this. Occasionally, I'd feel a spark of imagery from between the dialogue lines, and I want to see descriptions like these more often. How does the saying go? "Show, don't tell."
It's a very fun read, despite anything I might have said. The characters seem to be quite endearing and relatable. I feel that your story has a good amount of potential, and I hope you keep digging until you've found it and placed it to the best of uses. Before I leave, I wanted to suggest an idea that might help your efforts a bit: Don't delete this story. I think you'll be much better demoting this chapter to the Prologue level, where the laws of exposition are generally much more lenient. I think this chapter would work much better as a prologue rather than a chapter. Oh, yeah, and to answer that question, I'd much rather read and review smaller chapters, even if it means I have to write a lot more reviews. I like your style, and I'd love to see more from you in the future.
With that said, I'll be taking my lead. Keep on writing!
Gummy~