Note: This is a Novel I've been working on for about a year now. It is the first book in a trilogy.
[pre]“Wake up! Wake up!” The harsh whisper resonated in Markali’s ear. Her warm breath left a tingling sensation over the tip of his ear. “Wake up, Mars! We need to go! Now!”
“Five more minutes,” Came the seven-year-old’s protests.
“We don’t have five minutes, Mars! Get up! They’re coming!”
The young child barely stirred at his sister’s prodding. He rolled onto his side and mumbled an incoherent protest. Her gentle prodding turned to desperate pleas.
“Mars, I can’t carry you! You have to get up! Mars!” She was shaking him franticly now. “Hurry!”
Finally, his green eyes blinked open. “What’s wrong, Rea?”
“We’ve got to go! Now!”
Next to Markali, his twin was sitting up straight, staring at their sister sleepily. “Reakeda, I’m hungry.”
“We don’t have time, Toshom!” She continued to speak in a harsh whisper as she wrapped their few belongings in the tattered blanket that the boys shared.
“Come on,” She commanded, tying the blanket onto her back and taking hold of their hands. She started to run. It was far too late, though. They were already in the abandoned building that the three had called home for the last several weeks. Reakeda fell forward, instantly releasing their hands. She turned a ghostly white and her lips trembled.
“Rea, come on. Hurry, Rea!” Markali cried, running back to her side.
Toshom grabbed Markali’s arm. “Come on! Run! She’s down, Mars! Rea would want us to be safe!” He pulled at Markali, who was struggling to get back to Reakeda. “Lets’ get out of here before they get us too, Mars!”
“But what about Rea! We can’t just leave her!”
“We have to! We’ll see her again, Mars!”
Finally, he got his brother to come. The boys barely made it out of the house and to the creek in the back before the Braeden Organization flooded the house.[/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
good prologue you were able to catch the readers attention from the start till the end however when you post your story up here use a different text style too make it easier to read but otherwise interesting start keep it up
I think everyone else got the mistakes, but I will say one thing; it was a good prologue. Sometimes I can't get through a persons thing, but this one I could get through, so that says something.
Looks very good, but same matches up with other reviewer's comments here. The very last sentance is weak and sounds like something a narrator would say, I'd change it to something more strong such as:
"Half asleep and dragged by his brother; his arm wrenched quick and strongly as they fled briskly into the night towards their only refuge."
Just an idea.
Very good intro, but I noticed a couple of things:
First of all, "ear" at the end of both sentences is kind of repetitive.
Second...
Why did she fall? How did she fall? Maybe try to describe that a little better as it is a bit confusing.
Third: The timing is a bit confusing also. Maybe try to make it more clear of how things are happening. (does that make sense
Other than that, I'd say it was a wonderfully constructed begining. I look forward to reading more! ^_^
The sentence is a little convoluted, I’m not sure if it’s just how I’m reading it though. Perhaps something like “Markali’s twin sat up straight, staring at his sister sleepily.”? I’m not sure hehe ^.^
“She continued in a harsh whisper” the “to speak” is unnecessary.
Why did she fall forward? It is a little vague, although I do understand what it going on, and that she is major scared.
It seems rather abrupt, this sudden decision to leave their sister, is she hurt? Completely incapacitated? It seems unwarranted, as she has, so far, only fallen to her knees.
Very abrupt, in two sentences you have them out and away, it is a little time disorientated. Also is very lacking in description.
I left some of the things that were already mentioned. You do use a lot of exclaimation marks, they stand out and are not always necessary, I suggest going though and deleting those you don't need.
All in all, I am looking forward to reading the rest. Keep it up ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
The structure of this sentence seems a little annoying to me. Got is not my word of choice. You could say "He forced his brother to come" or "He dragged his brother from those chasing..." something that won't feel so awkward.
Oy, the format makes it bloody difficult to read. ^_^'' Perhaps simply single space, double between paragraphs...?
But as to the piece itself-- you've begun with dialogue, which naturally is always a brilliant way to catch interest. It tends both to characterise as well as keep action taut.
Your only difficulty then is in making things tangible and present, as an excess of dialogue makes for less description in general. Here, doubtless. 'Tis overkill to begin with dialogue and then drop into paragraph upon paragraph of backstory.
But do give room to breathe, yes? A short pause, perhaps after the first few paragraphs, where you slow things down, describe things or characters, before you dash headlong into what remains. ^_^
IMP
They were already in the abandoned building... but the next thing we know, Rea is down... The first phrase makes the reader think the bad guys have just entered the building. The latter implies they've come into the room (I'm assuming?) It was like suddenly they appear out of nowhere, and even when they're there the other characters see nothing, hears nothing (narrative wise)?
Unless she falls to some kind of magical or advanced weapon, you might want to imply the bad guys bursting into the room or whatever.
Also, if she's just been "gotten" by whatever kind of weapon... how is there time for the twins to dialog like that? Wouldn't they be in instant danger? You might want to explain a bit more what is going on, to clear this up.
-edit- By the way... you might want to get out a thesaurus and look up alternatives for "command" ... It's kind of an odd word to use for someone not in a position of superiority, so it sticks out, and more so as often as you use it this way.
[Wow... I actually posted about someone's work.
Hmm.. "ear" as the last word for both sentences somehow made it sound repetitive. If I read it out loud, it doesn't sound too good.
"They were already in the abandoned building..." I couldn't understand who "they" were. At first, I thought it was Rea and her brothers but after looking at it several times only I understood. You should make it clearer. Also, if she fell forward, it doesn't sound right to describe her lips since her face would most probably be facing down and you can't really see her lips. What you need to clear up here the most is how she fell forward. That part was confusing.
I'd cut out the "Mars". It's unnecessary and doesn't sound right in a dialogue since he already said it in the beginning of the paragraph.
It's suppose to be a question, no? "But what about Rea?"
I really loved this prologue. You did it great! Few mistakes here and there, but the plot is wonderful. I will, of course, look forward to the rest of your novel and critique on it.
This is an interesting beginning!
-I would put protest here as he only protested once ^_^
I think you could make it a little bit more clear what happened to the girl - I Was a little confused, if she was hurt or what happened :S
Anyway, I hope to see more of this posted, it's a good prologue.
Meevs