Published April 27, 2013
Chapter 1
As I walked through the gloom, on a cool spring night, I started to ponder everything I saw. Why did that man I just passed keep checking his watch? What could his reasons be? I also wondered what my purpose was for being in this place, thinking about so much at once. It’s just something I do; walking takes a lot off my mind. I really needed to calm down and try to get some thoughts churning through my brain. I didn’t have much time until the completion stopped taking entries. See, I am trying to win this year’s “Amateur Poets Schultz Award”, or APSA. First place would be given 20,000$ to any of the big, prestigious Arts Schools around the country, many of which I hoped to gain entry into its elite student bodies filled to the brim with talented writers, poets, and actors. Oh, it was my dream to win and go somewhere great. But I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to write about, which I had to do in a week. As I thought about the enormity of it, I tripped head first over the feet of a girl, with a shock of pink hair, who was feeding some ducks, bathed in the cool orange of the setting sun. “O-Ouch”, I muttered, “I’m v-v-very s-sorry!” as the ducks quacked away in fear of being crushed. “Oh, it’s my fault, I didn’t see you”, she said, staring straight down at the ground, “Are you okay?” As I tried to stutter out a simple yes, I cursed my speech impediment and quickly noticed that I had started to blush. I quickly turned away to hide my face, managed to mutter out “Y-y-yes, I’m fine, thank you!”, and quickly walked away in the direction I came from. “Wait!” she yelled out, “I-, what’s your name?!” Amazingly, I turned around and gave a goofy lopsided smile and said “Riley!”, and kept on walking. “That was stupid”, I thought. She probably wouldn’t want to talk to me. I barely know how to talk myself. I am always self-conscious about how I look. I have this scraggly, longish brown hair, tall lanky body (way too big for a 16 year old), and my horrible stutter I have had since I was hit by a car that left my father in a wheelchair and me with a horrible scar on my head. I thought myself to not be a very pretty sight. As I briskly walked home I tried to forget my embarrassing encounter with that girl and tried in vain to think about the competition…
Chapter 2
As I sat on the park bench, with the sun slowly setting in the distance, I felt sad. That boy, he was so nice. I wished I had said something. Maybe he would have sat with me. I didn’t think so. With a name as stupid as Ariel, he probably would have laughed. And my pink hair usually scares people away. People think I am different, so they don’t usually talk to me. Sometimes I am so STUPID! All I really want is a friend I can talk to. I never have anyone to tell my secrets to, someone who I can make stories with and go places with. But I never know what to say around anyone, and I get really scared. My body sort of clenches up, and I can’t even squeak out more than simple Yes or No. I started to tear up a little as one or two of the ducks came back to me, looking for more bread. I reached into my brown baggie and threw out the last bits of bread. “At least you little guys are my friends, right?” I watched as the ducks ate the bread, and quacked for more. When they noticed I didn’t have any more, they seemed to quack in disgust and flutter away. “Even ducks don’t actually like me…” I said sorrowfully. I sat at that bench for what felt like ages, and then I slowly picked up my empty bag and walked over to a trash can and threw it away. It was pretty dark now, and I wondered if Mom or Dad even knew or cared that I wasn’t home. Dad was probably drunk, while Mom worked overtime at the Hospital. I slowly started to drag my feet back to the apartment. I wondered where that boy went, as I looked back over my shoulder in the direction where he ran off to. I turned back my head and sighed. I hoped it wasn’t going to be one of those nights…
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139,640 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Alright. So this really needs help from the Enter key. Your chapters are wildly organized. You need to make some spaces for them to breathe.
aybe putting something to clear that up, like when you're describing Riley's appearance, maybe you could have done something like:
"(Way to big for a 16 year old boy)"
Or some other clues earlier on to show he's a boy.
Also, you need to break up the writing a little bit, indenting the speech a bit, because huge pages of writing without a break are really intimidating to read.
I like it. Kinda.
Woah. Hi there, Rdizzy.
Alright. So this really needs help from the Enter key. Your chapters are wildly organized. You need to make some spaces for them to breathe. Truth is that a story without paragraph is like skycrapper without windows. And that makes your writing look unprofessional and sloppy. Your readers can either get lazy or confused, and you don't want that. So I really suggest you to make paragraphs. Remember that the more professional you are, the more seriously they will take you and your writing. And you want to be heard!
That's pretty much all I've got to say. So I'm out.
~GeeLyria
Hi! This is pretty good! I liked it! But I must nitpick a bit, so here goes.
First thing, Riley is a boy? I can honestly say I had no idea until I read chapter 2. To be frank, I thought he was a girl until I got to chapter 2. Maybe putting something to clear that up, like when you're describing Riley's appearance, maybe you could have done something like:
"(Way to big for a 16 year old boy)"
Or some other clues earlier on to show he's a boy.
Also, you need to break up the writing a little bit, indenting the speech a bit, because huge pages of writing without a break are really intimidating to read.
Otherwise, this is really good! Thanks for writing it! Cant wait to see how it turns out!
~SB~
I like it. Kinda.
You really need to make your paragraphs smaller.