Published January 1, 2010
Deep inside a wishing well;
A light shining the traveler's way.
Even though never seen.
Nor never touched.
It was wished upon many a time
In fact, that light did not shine at all!
It did not even exist!
Maybe in hope, of a traveler's mind;
But what source may that be good for?
Falsely, perceived, as the wishing well light.
So bright under the midnight moon
It did not matter, whether or not;
If it was actually there
As long as people were needy, and lazy;
That light kept a shining!
Did not matter, as long it was some kind of answer
For people, as long as they hoped, and rejected reality
That light burned on and on
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,653 Literary Works • 673,582 Reviews
I thought this was an interesting poem. People can rely so heavily on simple things to relieve them of the mediocrity of their lives, even if it is a silly wishing well. I wish you had expanded a little bit more on this point. Also there was one line that I thought unnecessary:
You say this and then not but five lines later you are negating this line entirely.
If it doesn't matter if the light is there or not, then why tell the reader that the light doesn't exist? I think we can come to the conclusion that this wishing well is just a crutch for those stuck in a rut, without you telling us so. I'd eliminate the first line and keep the second. Good job, otherwise!
I love the idea; some parts were a little repetitive.
Those two lines can be eliminated.
This whole stanza can be eliminated.
I know what you're thinking... I'm crazy. But look at your poem now
[/quote]
What do you think? Did I say the same thing with less words or did I butcher your poem?
I also fixed up some of the punctuation, hope ya don't mind.
Also, try to not use exclamation points. If your reader doesn't feel surprised or amazed at the line, an exclamation point is not going to help.
But besides that, it was a good poem. Hope you take some of my advice.
Keep Rhyming
xxooxx
*******The Universe*******
Very interesting...
and well I'm not the best critique ..at all!
but i like this...
keep it up..