I couldn't quite remember all of it, so the parts that were blank I filled in myself n_n Names have been changed to protect the innocent 
If you want the full story behind this, just ask. I'll be happy to tell you ^^ Yes, there is a real story behind this. It didn't actually happen, but I can explain what's going on.
--
The room was pitch black except for a few emergency lights that were always on. Regardless, the room was really dim.
I could hear his heart beating. It was the only sound in the room that I could hear. It beat at an even, steady pace. It was clear and audible to me, but to the other kids in the room it was just another beating heart that they couldn't hear.
We were the only ones in the room that were still awake. I glanced up at the clock for a second. 2:32 am. My eyes flitted back to their original place; a maze of desk legs. Just looking at the icy steel that held the desks up made me feel cold.
I gently grabbed hold of the piece of his shirt my hand was previously just resting on. He pulled me closer. I squirmed closer to his warm body. His arms tightened around me. He rested his head on mine, which was laying on his chest. I felt his mouth open.
"I had a lot of fun today," he whispered.
"Yeah, me too," I whispered back.
"You know," he continued, " I like you a lot."
I smiled, somewhat relieved. "Yeah, I know."
"Larara, I think...I think I love you..."
My smile fell with the rest of my face. I sat up and tried to make out his face in the darkness. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I knew it was stupid, and wrong - so wrong, and that I was off limits, but I couldn't let these facts hold me back any longer. I knew he'd be okay with it, so I let my heart lead, and I moved closer to him. I didn't stop until I felt his flesh - his lips - against mine.
If just felt so right - so natural. Like that was the one kiss that was meant to happen. I reached up and touched his face. It was warm. I guessed he was blushing. I felt his soft hand on my neck. It was almost too perfect. But I loved it;
I loved him.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
wow..
me too..
i wish i have this dream too.
haha..so..cute.
I'm just confused
and this
you were the only ones in the room, hence "the other kids"
sorry..got tied up with that..
but overall..i like your dream!!
Wow, that is just so sweet.
You're so lucky to have dreams like this.
Everytime I have one, it gets destroyed because I kept on waking up.
Well, this is all. I guess this is more of a comment than a review.
Good job!
That was really good, I'd give you like.. a longer review. But I'm too tired. XD Maybe later.
Are you gonna write more to it? Please PM me when you do, it's awesome.
wow! i totally loved your story!
it was great! I've had so many love dreams like that! i wish it had more detail as to were you where and to why you where there, but it was good! keep writing! it was seriously great
This was already suggested. I think it sounds better.
The part in bold: It was repetative, to be blunt. You could say something like:The only audible sound in the room was his heart beating was his heart beating, even and steady. Or you could go with music's suggestion. You're choice though.
This part confused me a little.
Repitition
In one paragraph you repeated 'heard' and 'beat' and 'noise' (I believe you also repeated noise...but that could be me just thinking you did..so if you only used it once then just ignore that). It's better to try your best to stay away from repeating yourself, unless it has a specific meaning to it or you're trying to emphasize something. Otherwise it just gets annoying. It was mainly just in that paragraph, so I just wanted to make you aware of it before you got in a habit (which I did, and I'm not sure if I'm completely over it).
Emotions
This may just be me. When I was reading this, I saw the physical aspect of love, not really the emotional aspect of it. I'm not saying that what you don't have isn't good, because it is. What I'm trying to say is that it seems less real and more like they just like physical affection. If you added in clues, like the reasons that she loved him, it would make it seem like she actually did, in my opinion.
Either way, it was good
~Midnight
Okay. Lol. I know it's short, but this is all the dream was. There was nothing else to it, so I don't how I know what had happened throughout the day. I'm just weird like that ;P I see what you mean with some of the plain simple words that I used that I could have made better. I'll fix those as soon as I can! Thanks so much!
~Rayne
Hello! Music here to critique your "Dream".
Grammar:
Language Usage: A few tips on this. In the beginning, I think a tense atmosphere would best suit your story. That's why I replaced that one sentence. Try to use words to describe the quiet, dark room and the steady, sound beat of the boy's heart in a way that a reader will be immersed in a suspenseful atmosphere, wondering where the characters are, who they're with, and what will happen next. Don't forget to slip in a few metaphors or similes!
Characters: This story is too short to get to know the characters, but- and this kind of goes into the plot as well- I want to know more about them. What they did that day. Where exactly are they. How long have they known each other. Why are they attracted to each other! Fit in some little hints for each question, and you'd let your reader know a lot more about the characters.
Of course, you could always go the other way and keep everything illusive, almost as if we're watching from behind a translucent blanket, unable to know what the characters are thinking.
Imagery and Emotion: You did pretty well with this. The only tip I have goes hand in hand with the "Language Usage" suggestion about the tense atmosphere in the beginning.
Overall, I thought it was a very well-written piece!
Love,
Music.
Hello! Music here to critique your "Dream".
Grammar:
Language Usage: A few tips on this. In the beginning, I think a tense atmosphere would best suit your story. That's why I replaced that one sentence. Try to use words to describe the quiet, dark room and the steady, sound beat of the boy's heart in a way that a reader will be immersed in a suspenseful atmosphere, wondering where the characters are, who they're with, and what will happen next. Don't forget to slip in a few metaphors or similes!
Characters: This story is too short to get to know the characters, but- and this kind of goes into the plot as well- I want to know more about them. What they did that day. Where exactly are they. How long have they known each other. Why are they attracted to each other! Fit in some little hints for each question, and you'd let your reader know a lot more about the characters.
Of course, you could always go the other way and keep everything illusive, almost as if we're watching from behind a translucent blanket, unable to know what the characters are thinking.
Imagery and Emotion: You did pretty well with this. The only tip I have goes hand in hand with the "Language Usage" suggestion about the tense atmosphere in the beginning.
Hello! Music here to critique your "Dream".
Grammar:
Language Usage: A few tips on this. In the beginning, I think a tense atmosphere would best suit your story. That's why I replaced that one sentence. Try to use words to describe the quiet, dark room and the steady, sound beat of the boy's heart in a way that a reader will be immersed in a suspenseful atmosphere, wondering where the characters are, who they're with, and what will happen next. Don't forget to slip in a few metaphors or similes!
Characters: This story is too short to get to know the characters, but- and this kind of goes into the plot as well- I want to know more about them. What they did that day. Where exactly are they. How long have they known each other. Why are they attracted to each other! Fit in some little hints for each question, and you'd let your reader know a lot more about the characters.
Of course, you could always go the other way and keep everything illusive, almost as if we're watching from behind a translucent blanket, unable to know what the characters are thinking.
Wow. I wish I had dreams like this
.
I would really just change some of your diction around a little bit. I love some of your lines, but sometimes the adjectives ore odd. Like, the first line, I'd probably just get rid of the world 'really'. And in the second paragraph, that's a great line, but if you didn't use the word "kids" it'd sound better. Just little things like that.
Also, in that same line, I would unitalicized couldn't. That's just me, though, 'cause I think that makes it sound more trippy and philosophical. It's sort of unnecessary just because it is a pretty cool thought, so the reader would naturally pause right there.
Otherwise, it's pretty good. =)