Solomon's Tower Chapter one

by Ray112

Published June 19, 2013

E - Everyone

In Solomon's Tower

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Author's note: 

Prana:  vital energy or life force that comes from the sun and connects the elements of the universe.

Chakras:   the centers of life’s vital force, which contain Prana.

Totem:  Totem can be an emblem, symbol, or figure which can hold chakra.

Alchemy: The art of transmutating parts of the Cosmos from temporal existence via Totem creation (chakra storing) and Prana manipulation.

Transmutation: The Transformation of Prana into the base elements: wind, water, fire, and earth.

Alchemist: One that practices Alchemy and Prana manipulation.

 

                                                                         

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Chapter one

                                                                               

Not many people realize this, but there’s actually an art form to taking a beating. It’s something you have to practice at. See, I had to start off small at first, like getting my butt handed to me by my older brother or by pissing off some punks in a bar. Then eventually I learned how to fight.

I squared off against my opponent in the cage. I’m a small guy. Not small in height, but scrawny. I never quite shook off my tall lanky stage from back when I got my first growth spurt. I wouldn’t say I’m the best looking guy. I have dark hair, and a distinct jawline. People tend to look up to me because I’m so tall, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my blue eyes attract a lot of attention. But, I’m nothing like my brother: big- shot military Lieutenant. So, it didn’t bother me too much when the crowd started laughing…

OK.

Maybe it did a little.

Truth is, before I saw the guy I was fighting, part of me thought I had a chance. I mean, no one pictures themselves losing a fight. But this guy was just unbelievable. He looked like; an alligator had a baby with a 7 foot giant. He had arms the size of trees and emerald green skin. He even had the same facial features of a reptile. His Jaw and mouth protruded in the same way crocodile’s does and his yellow eyes were hidden behind thin slits on his scaled face. I’m surprised his feet didn’t leave cracks in the ground every time he took a step. That being said, I did have one thing working for me: The cage.

The cage looked like some kind of twisted medieval jungle gym. It had barb wires that crisscrossed the mesh chain link fence that was horizontally wrapped around a metal skeleton. And the cherry on the top: the flat roof of the cage resembled monkey bars except with spikes on the outer edges. Despite the obvious danger I was sure the cage’s small corners would make it difficult for someone as big as him to move. At least, I hoped.

Gulp.

“You sure you’re ready for this?”

I looked at my little brother Mason and he looked at me. He was short, skinny and had a chubby round face with blue eyes that resembled mine. I always thought his dark crop of hair was perfect juxtaposed to mine in the way it always complimented his looks whether it was messy or not. Being the youngest brother he also seemed to be the most worrisome at heart. Unlike our older brother Alex and me Mason always took time to think before making a decision.

“Are you ready for this?” I jousted and attempted a confident smile.

“Come on Van,” Mason said “I’m starting to regret letting you do this.”

“Hey Manny,” I said using the nickname he had kept since childhood. “Don’t start planning my funeral yet. What’s his story?”

“He calls himself The Ripper. Bet you can’t guess why,” he said and pointed a finger towards the cage.

A young village woman with average looks wearing an apron walked into the cage caring a live chicken. She looked like a toddler compared to The Ripper’s enormous size. She presented the chicken to the crowd as if she were about to do a magic trick then with a bow held it out to The Ripper. Moving at a speed nearly faster than the human eye could track the huge reptile snapped the chicken up with his jaws and tossed it into the air. The chicken spun in midair for only a moment before with a blurring motion The Ripper reached up and snapped the chicken in half. Chicken Blood sprayed all over the young woman and The Ripper and she roared with triumph at the crowd. The spectators ate up the theatrics with childish glee.

“Oh boy,” I muttered.

“Listen, Van, You don’t have to do this.”

I hesitated for a moment but then smiled at my brother mischievously “Are you kidding? Bet double on me.”


 

I stepped into the Cage and immediately felt the heat from the bright lights above the cage. The Ripper had no shirt on and from this distance I could see every muscle in the human anatomy rippling under his green skin. Unthreatened I took off my shirt as well and The Ripper’s Crocidile lips curled into a smirk. Careful to keep a bored expression my face I walked to the far side of the cage furthest from to the giant reptile and carefully folded my shirt.

The Ripper made a weird hiccupping noise before he spoke “Look at this! My prey is more worried keeping his shell neat than about winning this fight!” The Ripper made more guttural hiccup noises and I suddenly realized he was laughing. Some spectators in the crowd laughed a long with him. I heard someone call me a coward. I pretended not to notice all the while keeping my back to him and focusing on folding my shirt neatly. When I was satisfied, I stood then turned back around.

The Ripper pointed at me and said “You, prey what is your name?” I kept my eyes level with him and didn’t answer. I focused my mind and extended my senses out to the chakras within the emerald ring I kept on my middle finger. The ring was a totem I had created a day or so before coming to The Shack to fight in The Cage. This ring and the clothes on our backs were the only things my brother and I brought with us when we left our small little village in Acacia. Totems had to be made out of something of great value to an Alchemist. After, spending ample enough time to familiarize one’s self with the object it could become a container for Chakra in which the Alchemist can store Prana.

The Ripper’s eyes twitched and his nostrils flared, “Fine! If Prey will not speak his name, I will name him turtle!”

 “Whatever you say, boss,” I replied and the ripper growled back at me. The big reptile squared his shoulders and looked down at me his ugly mug twisted into hate. God I really hoped I knew what I was doing.

“Both fighters get to your corners,” The referee said as he entered the ring. The guy looked the part. He wasn’t short but I still stood taller than him, which was normal because of my 6ft height I more often or not had that effect on people. He also wore a black top hat, and a red jacket lined with gold and black dress pants that stopped just before his ankles.

 The referee raised his hands and everyone outside the cage went quiet. He cleared his throat before speaking. “Ladies and Gentleman” he announced “Allow me to welcome you to The Capital Citie's Fight Shack on behalf of its owner Eli Vanderbell!” My jaw dropped. The crowd immediately erupted into a cheer. Eli Vanderbell. Before my brother and I left left home to study abroad the famous name around Acacia's Capital City had been Michael Vanderbell, Eli’s father. If Eli had taken over his father’s business that had to mean that his father had passed on. I looked up into the crowd until I saw my brother’s face. His eyes were wide. He noticed me and nodded his head acknowledging that he understood what I was thinking. Vanderbell stood and waved to the crowd careful to wipe the invisible dust off his expensive looking suit before he did. On his arm a beautiful dark haired women stood next to him. The guy had seedy eyes and a smarmy smile. I rolled my eyes. Some guys get all the luck.

“And now, for the moment you’ve been waiting for.” The referee continued, “In the left corner weighing exactly 545 pounds of pure hate, The Ripper!”

The Ripper roared smacked his chest and prostrated to the crowd feeding on their excitement. I continued to look bored trying to seem unimpressed.

“And in the right corner,” The referee chimed. “Weighing no more than The Ripper's pinky Van Wolfe!”

The crowd laughed. They knew I didn’t have much of a chance in surviving this fight. I hoped I could convince them they were wrong. I continued staring at The Ripper without budging.

“There is… only one rule.” The Referee paused for dramatic effect with perfect timing so that we could hear the crowd’s gasp of anticipation. Even I held my breath. “The fight will not end until only one. Man. Stands!”

Everyone in the crowd hooted and hollered.  It took a while before the audience settled down and the referee just waited professionally all he had were his hands raised until they were all silent. Then he said, “Ripper are you ready?”  The Ripper growled and squared up to me and his muscles tensed. I just blinked nonplussed.  “Van are you ready?“ The announcer looked at me and I bounced on my toes and nodded.

The Referee pulled a small white whistle from outside his shirt and put it to his mouth as he stepped out of the cage. Then he yelled “Fight!” and blew into the whistle.

I was moving before the word had completely slipped out of the referee’s mouth. I lunged at The Ripper then jumped into an aggressive round house kick. I aimed the kick at his face but before I realized my mistake it was too late. The Ripper caught my kick in midair and tossed me aside. I flipped in the air and landed on my feet. The Ripper charged at me before I could completely catch my balance, but I was ready. I slammed my hand flat on the ground and released some of the pent up chakra I had saved in the ring. I then willed the Prana into action manipulating the ground of the cage into a 6ft wall of rock.

If the wall I built up fazed The Ripper at all he didn’t show it. The huge reptile broke through it like a piece of cardboard and swept his arm in a wide ark.  I brought my left arm up between me and The Ripper’s blow in a feeble block but the power of his hit sent me flying across the cage and into the mesh fencing. Pain flared across my shoulder and bicep and I suspected the blow had bruised one of my ribs.

“Is that all you got?” I said between pained breaths. It wasn’t. Ripper was on me in an instant. He picked me up over his head and threw me across the ring. I landed on the other side with some of the same results. This time the crowd hollered with blood lust and the Ripper roared with triumph.

The Reptile lifted his barrel sized arms above his head and growled. He flexed his muscles and laughed merrily. The audience ate it up and began to chant his name. “Ripper! Ripper! Ripper…!”

I got clumsily to my feet. My shoulders ached all over and I had a sharp pain in my lower back. “Hey, Ripper, “I yelled and he turned. “I’m not done yet.” The Ripper’s nostrils flared.

“Puny turtle thinks he can beat me? Do you seek for a speedy death?” he asked.

I shook my head, and held out my right hand with my ring on my middle finger. The silver ring’s dark green emerald glinted in the light coming from above the cage. The Ripper emitted another one of his guttural hiccupping sounds. “Your puny turtle Alchemy does not scare me!”

I said nothing and with my left hand I took the ring off and held it in my right palm. Then with my mind I reached out to the chakra with in it and released some of the pent up Prana inside. This time I used the Prana to manipulate the ring’s shape elongating and extending its girth. I didn’t stop until the ring had become a Bo staff about 1.8 meters long. I expertly twirled the staff a few times then crouched down into a stance. I smirked.

The Ripper snorted then curled his lip into an ugly smirk. “Very well, turtle,” he acknowledge as he crouched down as well. Neither of us moved. The noise from the audience faded into the background. I felt a bead of sweat glide down to my cheek and sensed more than I saw The Ripper’s muscles twitch with his steady breathing.

Then The Ripper made his move. The reptile lunged forward faster this time than I’d ever seen him move. His legs were just a blur and when he swept back his arm I felt the wind it created because he was already on top of me. But I had anticipated this. I pointed my staff at his abdomen and with a whisper of will I manipulated the staff’s Prana into expanding its end as explosively as the energy would allow. The Bo staff extended so fast and with so much speed it slammed into The Ripper’s abdomen, knocked him off his feet, and bent his entire body into a horizontal V before sending him spiraling into the other end of the cage. The crowd went silent. For a second the announcer was so dumbstruck that his jaw dropped. It took him a moment but then he spoke.

“Could it be?” I heard him say. “Has Van Wolf’s Alchemy conquered our hero?”

The crowd burst into protest. Some booed while others yelled obscenities in my direction. “The Alchemist is a cheater!” An old man yelled. “No, don’t lose Ripper!” I young girl cried. I dropped my stance and looked in the direction of the audience. Everyone was turned against me. I hadn’t expected that reaction.

Then something worse happened. I felt a Prana spike in the cage that hadn’t come from me. It came from The Ripper’s unconscious body. The Prana buzzed so excitedly that they emitted light causing a red aura to appear around The Ripper.

“What?” The announcer said, “What’s that red glow appearing around Ripper?”

The red glow grew brighter and brighter until it looked like fireworks were exploding all around his body. First The Rippers finger twitched, then an arm, then a leg, and then almost as if he were weightless the reptile raised vertically from the ground.

As I watched The Ripper’s eye slits glowed red with the Prana. The reptile crouched on to his hands and the red Aura glowed even brighter as a tail materialized from his hind quarters. His muscles grew bigger, his hands and feet turned into claws, and his spine became pointy and poked out about an inch from his skin. The Ripper opened his mouth and let out a primal roar so powerful that the crowd went silent instantly. I crouched back into my stance and faced The Ripper knowing that if it came to it, I would die in order to protect all of the people in this fight club.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Hey there, Stella here!

Mostly I really enjoyed reading this story, you've got a great compulsively readable style here and I'm quite impressed.

One thing that didn't impress me was the vocabulary at the start. I know, I know, it's a really tempting thing to do- but you should try and avoid it. Try and explain those terms as they come up, because we're not going to actually remember the definitions when you just lay them all in front of us like that, we'll forget them straight away. Try and explain them as you go along. I noticed that they didn't really get mentioned for a long time and then there was one paragraph where they were all mentioned all at once, which was a bit silly, because it seemed like you had suddenly started speaking another language. That paragraph where Van starts using his powers properly could be expanded into loads of paragraphs, explaining the system of alchemy- since, I suppose, it's going to become a pretty big deal as we go on in the story.

Um, your first mention of Van's eyes also gets to me where he says they probably get a lot of notice or something... it was awkward. Leave it until he's talking to his brothers and notices their appearances, it's a much stronger place to describe it. Also speaking of the brothers- I think you should name the older brother because when you mention that he has a younger brother first I'm like, "Really? That's the brother that used to beat him up?" I know you said older to begin with but clearing it up would be a good idea!

I really loved the ending here, expanding it into an actual plot point rather than just a random fight made especially for the opening chapter. Good job!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x

User avatar
ArcticMonkey
Review
ArcticMonkey wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Hiya, Ray! I saw chapter 2 of this, so I thought I'd take a look at chapter 1 before I reviewed the other one.

I really like the whole idea of being in the ring and fighting. I haven't seen this very much, and you generally did it very well. It's a rather hard topic to talk about, I think, but also something that when done properly can be really effective. I like the character you had and I thought you described him really well. Well done!

As for improvements, I'd like to start off with a few nitpicks which I noticed:

He looked like; an alligator had a baby with a 7 foot giant.

I don't think there needs to be a semi-colon here.

Unlike our older brother Alex and me Mason always took time to think before making a decision.

This doesn't make quite sense? Surely it should be: Unlike our older brother Alex, Mason always took time to think before making a decision.

Unthreatened I took off my shirt as well and The Ripper’s Crocodile lips curled into a smirk

Unthreatened I don't think is a word, try not threatened, maybe.

The Ripper roared and smacked his chest and prostrated to the crowd feeding on their excitement. I continued to look bored trying to seem unimpressed.



“No, don’t lose Ripper!” I a young girl cried.


Now one thing I'd like to point out is I want to know more about The Ripper. So far, he seems like a really strong (supernatural by the end) person, which is explained a little. But I'd like to see some kind of back story. Maybe that is coming later in the story. Either way, I really want to know who he is!

Secondly, I don't really understand the bit at the beginning. How are those words relevant to what is going on? Will that become more apparent later? Even so, I don't really like the idea of this because I think it's quite much to remember, and an effort to the story. I think these ideas should be included, however maybe when they are needed in the story, so that the readers won't become so confused.

Lastly, I just want to mention that I think you need to vary your sentence lengths a bit. This is a pretty action packed chapter, and I think you need to use shorter sentences for the action scenes and short snappy phrases. This is more effective than using in depth, descriptive sentences to explain things.

Overall, I did enjoy this. Again, this whole idea of being in the ring was really good, I'd perhaps like to see a bit more emotion with the MC because right now he doesn't seem all that scared. Why isn't he scared? I think this should be explained. I hope my review helped, I shall be reviewing Chapter 2 shortly.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

User avatar
Krystal6
Review
Krystal6 wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

I love the feel of Fantasy I get when I read this but sadly I have to admit that there were some spelling and grammar issues such as 'older brother Alex and me Mason' should be "older brother Alex and I or if you wish to leave it this way leave it as "older brother Alex and me, Mason." those are the two correct ways. Im not going to sit here all night and chew you out about every little thing that went wrong. This is a good start but always edit one last time before publishing. You'll be happy you did later. Keep on trying!
-Krystal6

HopelessAbandon wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2013

Hi! Here to review. :)

He looked like; an alligator

Don't need a semi-colon here.
His Jaw and mouth protruded

Jaw doesn't need to be capitalized.
older brother Alex and me Mason

For grammar's sake it should be Alex and I, but if you're going for a specific voice, then I can understand why you'd leave it as is. Need a comma after "me". Or "I" if you change it.
magic trick then with a bow

Comma after "trick"
Chicken Blood sprayed all over

Don't capitalize blood
Van, You don’t have to do this

Don't capitalize "you"
which was normal because of my 6ft height I more

You should start a new sentence after "normal"
The Capital Citie's Fight

City's
owner Eli Vanderbell!”

Comma after "owner"
study abroad the famous name

Comma after "abroad"
to the crowd feeding

Comma after "crowd"
ook bored trying to seem

Comma after "bored"
The Ripper's pinky Van Wolfe

Comma after "pinky"
waited professionally all he had were his hands raised until they were all

Start a new sentence after "professionally"
No, don’t lose Ripper!” I young girl cried.

I think you meant "a young girl cried"

Wow, you revamped this a ton! Its great! I really love the fighting you've got going on, and the subtle background you've included about the characters. One question I did have though, was why Van thinks The Ripper will attack anyone in the fight club? He seemed to love the attention of the crowd, so why would he injure any of them? Is it because the Prana can make him loose control a bit or something?
This was pretty awesome though, can't wait to read the next part! If you want a little more in depth of a review, you can email it to me too, and I'll spend some more time on it. :)
Sorry it took me so long to get to this!

~*Hope

User avatar
Rage
Review
Rage wrote a review Review · Jun 20, 2013

Hey there! I was just browsing and came across your chapter :-)

Okay, first off, I wanna commend you for taking on the task of writing a story that has such complex themes and is set in such a complex world. Your descriptions of the The Cage and Acacia are promising and can definitely be used later on in the story to serve multiple purposes. I'm sure you're aware of this and I do hope when you continue with future chapters you take time to focus on developing the setting of your novel.
It's important that I mention all the various elements you've designed and woven into your story - chakras, pranas, totems, etc. I think this is the sign of a good fantasy writer, when he/she creates new ideas that serve as means of aiding the hero along in his journey.

I also liked the development of the characters in this chapter. Although not a lot is specifically mentioned about them, the reader is able to understand and relate to the characters based on the actions and the little things you make them say and do. Characters which show this include Van, Alex, and Mason.
Even your description of the villain, The Ripper, is spot on. Not only does he bring some humour into the story but he also serves his purpose and makes a very formidable villain. I like how you're playing around with the idea of a fantasy world, with such interesting characters.

Your descriptions of the fight scenes were good, and I like that you left sort of a cliffhanger at the end of this chapter.
Overall, I think this has a lot of potential to grow into something great. Just make sure you read it back and clear up the few grammatical errors I saw.
You're a good writer. Keep it up :-)

Ray112 replied · Jun 21, 2013

Thanks for the review! :) if you want to know more about my story or read more, I post more frequently on this website: http://www.wattpad.com/18257535-solomon ... cPXCvlJP6M I like the format for stories here better. You can find some of the background and also extra complexities on the site from the link above.



We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer