Published April 23, 2010
Regret.
You are my sorrow.
I wither. I'm torn.
I'm written in my disaster but
I do not see myself. You are the
message beneath the curtain--
Yet I will not accept you.
I turn away.
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
It reminds me of Robert Frost, one of the greatest poets to have ever lived. His poems were deceptively short, but when looked at close, has mountains, upon mountains of meaning. If I were you I would keep this style going if I were you. The message is so clear in short of verse. I just love these types. Good job, and keep writing.
Everybody thanks for the advice.=) i liked all of the comments. Areida,I don't think I'll take the periods away because if I did it'd take away from the statement in the poem. I like how the words seem final. I sorrow. I wither. And also, everybody I'm glad that some of you got some of what I was feeling when I wrote this. If not all of you do it's okay cause some people will. And that's what matters. But thanks for all of the reviews. lol this poem has the most reviews out of all the others I've written.=P
Hey Ray! I'm pretty useless at critiquing poetry, so just take my opinion for what it is (mere opinion).
I didn't really get anything out of this poem. Typically, even if I don't understand what the author is saying entirely, I am still left with some sort of feeling after reading a poem. I don't get that from this one. Consider changing up your punctuation as you rephrase, to let the words flow better. The periods make it seem so stark, and lend an air of insincerity to the overall effect. i.e. "Oh, I am sad. I have regret. I am withering. Oh, oh, I am so sad and regretful."
Words like "sorrow," "wither," and "disaster" are powerful! Use that to your advantage instead of letting it work against you.
Hey Ray! I'm here to review.
Well, I did like the first half. It flows nicely, and sets you up for a nice, powerful ending. However, you seemed to lose me with the second half...
These two lines don't make sense together. What does being "written in my disaster" have to do with "I do not see myself"? When you use "but" to join the two, it means they are somehow connected. These aren't. That's why I lost you, because it felt like you were just writing to fill up the poem at that point. It didn't feel right to me.
And from then on, I didn't feel anything that you may have hinted at in the first half. :/
Oh! A tip: This is called "regret," and you use the word as the first one of your poem. But you're using present tense speech like, "I walk away." How can you regret something that has yet to happen? Try changing your action verbs to past tense. It would improve this a great deal.
Hope I could help!
-Knightley
Hello!
Upon reading this poem I actually stoped for a minute and was slighty taken aback,
Its so short yet its utterly filled with such feeling.
I really like it, because it shows that you dont need pages and pages of writing to nail a perfect declaration of somthing,
''Regret. You are my sorrow. I wither. I'm torn''.
Its so simple, yet fabulous,
Keep up the writing!!
Hey! thanks for all of the comments. =) I appreciate the reviews.
hello Ray!
This poem's nice and short. As what "Smashles" had said, you placed deep emotions in your poem and that's what it makes it great even if it was short. Liked the style by the way.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
I actually really liked this poem, except I have one small suggestion.
"I wither. I'm torn."
Maybe you should put a comma between wither and I'm like:
"I wither, I'm torn."
I think it makes more of a statement written that way.
Overally interesting message in this poem. Definitely very creative.
Tres, tres, tres magnifique.
-Jane
It's amazing how much just a few lines can have so many different meanings. I really enjoyed this poem. It holds a lot of emotion. Well done