Young Writers Society

Boys here have lost girl's interest big time--unless she's a beyotch, like the theme character of the poem.
Quite off-topic. Oh well, 'bout the poem. It's humorous how you've laid your feelings into words. Is this inspired by experience? I am truly sad.

I need you

Beautyful Goddess; evil temptress

envoking these feelings

passion, lust, pleasure,love...danceing in a sexy dress


I crave you

evil ecastacy,

child of dark desires and flesh

intwined together, in a love mesh



No! I mustn't!

Traiterous finger do

not accept do NOT!...

but I can accept you


click...



passion,lust, primitive desire,

cold, loveless, selfish...



you leave me empty. alone.

Will you ever come back home?

Hey!

Awesome poem!!!

I don't quite understand the click and the finger part. What does it have to do with the poem?

You had a few spelling mistakes. If you click the spell check button before posting, that should basically take care of everything.

Were you talking about an obsession? Because that's how I viewed it.

Anyways, great poem! Keep up the good work!

zOe

Hey ray, dogs here.

THis is a great poem and unfortnitly i can't find much to criticize. however i found it very hard to understand the click and what you are trying to tell the reader. what is the importants of the click? are you on the tv? why is it switching from an kinda evil outlook to a lovie outlook, and than you say that you are alone. this isn't making sence.

Hi.

This is laid out nicely. It highlights the speaker's thought process.

I'd click the "check spelling" button over the box you type into before posting. It will catch misspellings such as;


"Beautyful "

"envoking"

"ecastacy,"

and

"Traiterous".

I think this loses a lot of its power through its vague nature. I'd omit the use of "godess" and "temptress", as these are cliche, and instead focus on exactly what it is that this woman is doing and how the speaker is reacting. Instead of saying that he craves her, detail how he acts around her. Focus on showing rather than telling.

I don't understand the "click" and the "finger".If you're keeping these then I think that they should be clarfied.

The most important thing to do here is to show rather than to tell.

Hope this helps.

Jas