Published August 29, 2009
Grudges
Misconcepting,
hateful judging,
Friend I smile to your face,
Stab you in your sleep,
Bleed your tears till you dry,
All the whole while I fake smile.
Laugh, as you turn...to dust.
I sympathize you with pity, though
I greed in your pain.
I am your friend yet I share not a tear but
a laugh at your misgortunes. I see every flaw
yet I see none, for the faults of which I seek lie only in my reflection.
I am my Grudge.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Misfortunes is spelled wrong. Sorry if it sounds repetitive. But it's pretty good. The way you explain what grudges really are will really speak to people.
Grudges, comma here
Misconcepting, I think it should be misconception?
hateful judging,
Friend I smile to your face,
Stab you in your sleep,
Bleed your tears till you dry, The idea of bleeding tears out is a good one, the words "till you dry" might make more sense if you say "'til you are dry" or "'til you dry up" maybe? (also, remember the apostrophe and 'til has only one L I think).
All the whole while I fake smile. Like adameagle said, "Fake a smile" would be better.
Laugh, as you turn...to dust. Really like that
I sympathize you with pity, This doesn't make too muich sense. First, it should be sympathizing with you and second, sympathize and pity are pretty similar ideas, although pity is a somewhat harsher word, and if I were you I would just use one of these words in the line.
thoughI greed in your pain. Again, I don't understand this very well. The idea is put across but you need to rethink your use of the word greed. You could use a different word such as revel or enjoy.
I am your friend yet I share not a tear but
a laugh at your misgortunes. These lines are good apart from two things, the wierd line break and the spelling mistake.
I see every flaw
yet I see none,
for the faults of which I seek lie only in my reflection. really, really good.
I am my Grudge. Love the ending
Overall
Although there are quite a few things in the poem you need to change, the idea is very good and has great potential. If you just edit it a bit more then it could be amazing!
Aqua X
lol thanks guys all of your critizisms have been helpful. ^^
Hey, here's a quick review
somehow it feels like it should be 'fake a smile'.1.
2. I love the way you have led us to believe you are criticising another and then show us the real meaning of your words in the final two lines!
3. I don't fully understand this line, are you trying to say you enjoy your own pain? If so i think it needs to be clearer.
All in all i love the poem, not due to good grammar or well used techniques but because of the basic story line and emotion which flows deeply throughout, this could be a real work of art!
Dude, that's really deep.I really like Laugh, as you turn.. to dust. I thought that told millions of things and I like I am your friend yet I share no a tear but a laugh. That was really good.
I like how you ended it too, I am my Grudge. That didn't seem very thought-out but it sounds nice. keep writing.
In line twelve...you wrote "misgortunes" instead of "misfortunes". But that's all I saw wrong with it. I absolutely love your tone, descriptions, and use of metaphors. It really captures the reader, and thus helps up to understand it better. Keep up the good work.
wow this was really really good. Deep too.
Watch in line twelve: Misfortunes is spelled incorrectly.
You might want it to flow a little better? But otherwise it was great!
Good job!
<3 Sara