“You can’t beat me, Luna. No matter what you do, you already know that I am stronger than you. And besides, I know you. You would never attack your best friend.” Nathan said with true confidence. I struck him with all my might. Surprised, he moved away at the last second.
“You attacked me. Without any hesitation, you struck at me.” He said, readying his blades.
You are my friend, Nathan. I don’t want to do this. No matter how hard I strike, No matter how fast I move, no matter what I am doing I want to tell you this is not what I want. You are my best friend. You were my best friend. You were once my brother. The times we laughed. The moments we cried. When Jaymee died. When Alondra left you. When we replaced your limbs. We cried hard. So no matter how this looks, nothing has ever been harder for me. I would give anything not to do this. With every strike you block or dodge, I feel my soul break a little. I hear my heart scream. I want to scream at you why. Why did you do it? The innocent people. The weak that we fought so hard to protect. The planet we worked so hard to improve. Why. . . ? Why?! Why?!?! WHY?!?!
“WHY?!” I screamed at him. “WHY, NATHAN? WHY DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE? WHAT PURPOSE DID IT SERVE? All those innocent people whose lives you destroyed. Why did you destroy that hospital? Tell ME!”
Barriers shattered, armor broken and weapons cast aside, my friend laid there, expression unreadable. The rain fell hard and heavy now. My hair fell off my shoulders. The leather band must have broken. Why I looked at these details, I will never know. But even now, I can feel the world slowing down. The same way it always did. I know what comes next. Steeling myself for a fight, I felt a single tear fall. And he punched me.
I know this. The way the raindrops have stopped. We are both using the hyper speed technique. If we were in a city, we could very well level the whole place. But here, in the high lands, there are no people. No one for hundreds of miles. So there is no reason for me to hold back. So I hit him back. Seeing that mountain fall, I can’t help but feel like I just betrayed him. But that doesn’t stop him from hitting me back, twice as hard. And I myself go through the mountain I just hit. Though, I do not give it time to fall. I break out of the top of the mountain and hit him back as hard as possible. It turns into this whole turns game. But I stop his punch and we continue to break apart mountains, held in place because time is not moving for us. I don’t know how long we have been fighting. Could be a few minutes, or less than a second, I cannot tell. All I can do is survive.
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
hey,
I will go ahead and mention that out of context, the drama is lost on me. I can't relate to them because I don't know the events that led up to this moment. No doubt you knew this, and wanted critiques on other matters, but I still feel it's important to mention.
Personally, I think there are two types of fights: the fights written for the pleasure of writing fights, and the fights written to advance character development significantly. A fight is a dramatic moment that no doubt impacts the characters, especially if there is a death involved. I can say that this fight falls clearly into the second category. Novel fights differ from anime, or movie, fights, because you really don't want to spend excessive detail describing movements and reaction. Ironically it has the opposite effect often, cluttering up the narrative. Here this is not done, so that's a good thing.
Conversely, perhaps it is a bit too vague. The action verb used here is 'punch'. That's not very dynamic. It seems on one hand, effort was taken to create tension (that whole speech in caps), but at the same time the character isn't really involved in the fight, just spectating it. Probably, a character invested in a fight isn't going to be paying attention to the details around him (such as mountains exploding), rather, be hyperfocused on the fight itself. Because of this maybe it would be wise to add in a few more details. Fights are a good way to sneak in descriptions of characters. You could also instead interlace details of the betrayal and the character's emotions with details of the fight. A bit more difficult, but also more useful, considering what kind of fight this is.
Overall it's difficult to critique this because it's surgically extracted from the other events in your novel, so I can't comment on the character development. For sure, the speech delivered in caps is over dramatic and a bit cliché, but it might be justifiable in the light of prior events. I'll never know. Incidentally, I don't think caps do much to convey emotion. Perhaps an adjective or an adverb, something to define in what way he's speaking. Heavy emphasis on the emotional aspect should be placed.
A few technical notes, you switch from past to present from one paragraph to another, which is rather jarring and unpleasant, and also you use the verb punch even though it's stated swords are being carried, and armor is being worn. Punching armor is not usually a good idea.
You will find out when I post the rest as to why he punched instead of slashed. The point of the caps was to make Luna seem over dramatic. But there is a reason for that too. I think I can give this detail. Luna is a normally quiet and very collected character. So when he snaps, all emotions break loose, if only for a few seconds. And the reason I posted this before I posted the rest of the story was a test of two things. The first was to see if it caught peoples attention enough to want to read more. And the second was to see if people would want this implemented.
Though I find this rather random, I enjoy the randomness of it. It gives itself a sort of unique interest. We find out that both characters are holding some sort of blade(s), as well as possessing the ability to use a "hyper speed technique". This looks like the climatic action scene to a great novel in the making! Keep it up!
Wow, that was a well written scene. I haven't read what this is supposed to go with, but just from this, I have enough information to make out what's going on. I especially like the part where Luna gets angrier and angrier until she explodes.
Pros
-It's interesting to read, even though I haven't read the source material.
-It's good at giving all the information needed to understand the scene.
-The descriptions are detailed and the imagery is good. ''Barriers broken and armor broken, my friend laid there, expression unreadable. The rain fell hard and heavy now. My hair fell off my shoulders. The leather band must have broken. Why I looked at these details, I will never know. But even now, I can feel the world slowing down. The same way it always did. I know what comes next. Steeling myself for a fight, I felt a single tear fall. And he punched me.'' is an example.
Cons
-It seems a bit silly at times and can be a bit over dramatic. For example: ''"WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!” I screamed at him. “WHY, NATHAN? WHY DID YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE? WHAT PURPOSE DID IT SEREVE?"'' There are way too many exclamation points and question marks. (Bonus points for having an equal amount of both, though.)
-There are some typos, such as ''sereve'' instead of ''serve''.
. . . . . Luna is a guy. .. . . .
Sorry
It is alright. And i get what you mean. I ran through it quickly because when I get an idea, I have to get it down quick. And the scene is supposed to be a bit dramatic. It is supposed to make you angry. But I see your point. I will edit that now
Better?
Yeah