Kinda Depressed I Guess.......

Thanx Sam and Niteowl, and Firestarter, I never heard a poem at all similar too this so I'm not aware that I was plagiarizing or...'cliche-ing' as you may. I thought it was original but, guess not. Oh well, it's not one of my best so it doesn't really matter right? Optimism is my middle name. LOL

I agree with the earlier sentiment that it's all too cliche, we've seen it before in many guises, many of them being very alike to this.

Yeah, I thought this was really good for a rhyming poem, considering I *ahem* don't care much for poems that do. They sound forced, unoriginal, to me, but this one didn't. It flowed well, it made some good points, and it was just plain nice to read.

'In the mirror, a dark smirk
On his face, just one tear
In the mirror, dreadful evil
On his face...that fear'- This was perhaps my favorite stanza. I liked it a lot, and it just really stood out to me.

great job!

The rhyme didn't seem too forced to me, and I really liked it. So great job Ravenna!

Thanks everybody. I wrote it a while ago and just pulled it out again so now I'll edit and maybe send it somewhere (?) It's too sinister to let my teacher read but I don't know, maybe I'll just edit it and add it to my huge collection.
But again...thanks for the CC. It helped.

This is a good poem, it had a good rythem and it was very enjoyable for me to read.
But on this stanza here:

"Wounds now may heal
Bruises won't last
But something darker than blood
Still haunts this man's past"

I love this beginning, great job.

Deep cuts seal closed
Burns start to pale
But there are wounds in this life
Even time cannot heal

A murderous glare fills his ever-dark eyes
Invisible filth cakes his face
There will always be wounds
Even time can't erase

His appearance has changed
But a mirror tells no lies
The shadows of past-life
Have altered his eyes

In the mirror, a dark smirk
On his face, just one tear
In the mirror, dreadful evil
On his face...that fear

Preceding and present
Divided at last
But the mirror of his soul
Still reflects that dark past.

*stares* I would swear on my life this was written for Hunter (the character, not me)

Which is pretty frickin awesome, cuz this poem is filled with awesomeness.

GAH

Anyway, I really loved it and I can't find anything wrong that hasn't already been mentioned....without going after style, and thats not what I do...

Ooo sickly dark and it feels like I can take out the depression and squash it into a ball and let it seep into my brain. Which probably isn't so great a thing, and maybe I should be thinking HAPPY THOUGHTS. but yeah can't really criticise this, I well I dunno if 'enjoyed' it is the right word but I do think it was very impressive.

In the mirror, a dark smirk
On his face, just one tear
In the mirror, dreadful evil
On his face...that fear

Actually I thought this stanza was perhaps weaker then the rest but I think it's just the last one that puts me off. As all the other lines have been broken with a comma the last line being broken with three full stops doesn't seem to add much. If you fiddled around wtih that stanza it would be even better.

Over all, nice idea, but the poem itself I'm not a fan of. You seem to force the rhyme in several places by dragging out the lines, and the second stanza doesn't rhyme at all! It's also, to me, a little cliche. TIme can't heal all wounds. Not as bad as 'can', but not all that original either.

Hmmmm....I never read it aloud before but you're right. To fix or not to fix..........

I really like this, you really capture the essence of your character. I do think however that the third stanza jarrs the flow of the poem a bit, it is awkward. Overall however an excellent piece.

Thanks for the constructive criticism Wulie!

I liked this I really did.

Deep cuts seal closed ---> 'seal' should be sealed but maybe thats how you wanted it to be?

But there are wounds in this life
Even time cannot heal }}} This is very evanescencey! ( the band)

There will always be wounds
Even time can't erase}}} Same with this

However after saying the pervious I do really like this, and i can't see many things to be changed though I really not good on pointing them out!

wu

hey! i think i remember this from daniel's site!

anyway i love this poem! i have a copy of this
somewhere cause i liked it so much i printed it
out!

i really cant think of anyway that you could
improve this... sorry, i should be helping but
i really think its just a great poem!!!

~KayJuran~