Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
So I wrote this poem after I found out one of my best friends where abused:
The smile she wore every single day
Was as fake and the summer sun in may
How did I not notice?
How could I not tell?
That the smile she wore
Was fake to all.
Though you insisted,
That everything was fine.
Sometimes that smile of yours
Wouldn`t reach your eyes.
You lied about your bruises,
Just claiming that you where clumsy.
Afraid of what people would think about you
If they ever found out what those people did to you.
Just remember,
Your strong not weak
You kept going, even when
It felt like you where climbing a mounting way to steep.
I`m glad that you away from that place,
I know you are not fine
You always have me to lean on
If you ever just want to cry.
I love you like a sister
Though our blood isn`t the same
Your my best friend for ever
and nothing bad will make that change.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem... Oh my god, you are so talented.
Writing poetry is difficult for people and yet you conveyed this message, the emotional connection perfectly.
By your use of sentence structure in the line "I love you like a sister.", you really convey the idea of how your love for her is set in stone, it doesn't need to be continued in a longer line. By carrying on the idea of why you love her in that stanza, its really powerful.
In the first stanza, with your questioning of yourself as to how you didn't know, and how you couldn't tell, it shows us how you are constantly questioning yourself as a person, and as a friend. Its a really powerful image. We as people constantly reassure ourselves when we make a mistake or if we don't notice the ones we love in pain, and you captured this perfectly. The amazing thing about poetry is hat two simple lines, meaningless to most always contains a meaning.
I am someone who loves writing depressing stuff, trying to twist everything into a darker meaning and for me, I love seeing poetry which is based off of real life events and that captures the emotion of the writer. You are an amazing poet, you use imagery well, structure well and you clearly have a talent. But be careful, on this sight people like to knit pick about grammar and punctuation.
Anyhow, I look forward to seeing your next piece
Hello, RavenSydeny.
I am glad that your friend got out of the situation that she was in, and I hope that she is able to recover from the trauma.
This poem feels fresh and raw. You probably wrote it soon after you found out about what happened to your friend. It's always a soup of feelings right after you find out something terrible has happened to someone close to you.
That's why it's good to write poetry about it right then, and also later. This poem is emotionally charged, yes, but I feel like it's not quite ready. It's not done yet. Put it away in a drawer and let your feelings about this incident age, like wine. I find that the result in the end is always more insightful than the first, raw draft.
Now about the poem itself. You have a lot of grammatical errors that were very distracting to me while I was reading it. I don't want to be a nitpicker, but I feel like in this case, there were too many to ignore. I've pointed out your errors in the spoiler below.
Spoiler
"And" should be "as", and also, you should capitalize "May" if you're going to have standard classic poetry capitalization throughout.
Punctuate it like this:
Though you insisted
that everything was fine,
You used "where" and you should have used "were." Where is a word that asks about a location. "Where are the cats?" And "were" is the past tense of "are." Like "they were in the living room."
You used the wrong you're here. It should be "you're," as in a contraction of "you" and "are." Just think of the apostrophe as replacing the a.
You used the wrong "to" here. You're looking for "too." Also "mounting" should be "mountain"
"you" should be "you're"
I notice that whenever you use an apostrophe, like in the words "I'm", you put a space before or after the apostrophe. It's included in the word, and you shouldn't have a space there. Just letting you know.
Now that that's over with, we can get onto the actual review.
I think this is a really interesting comparison that you made here. It made me think, and that's something that a poem on YWS hasn't done for me in a while. However, I'm not quite sure that it's working quite as well as it should. I understand that May technically isn't summer, but it's close enough to summer that it's at least half-genuine. I'd go for a more extreme comparison. Like when it's sunny in winter and you think it's going to be warm but it's freezing. So you could say something like "as fake as the warmth of sunlight in winter" or something like that.
The second stanza basically repeats everything said in the first stanza, so I'd decide between the two and take one out. I prefer the first stanza.
Eliminate the word "just" from this poem. "Just" belittles things, and this is a big deal.
I really like in the third stanza how you touch on the stigma against victims of abuse. It's stupid because it's not their fault. I think in the second draft, you might want to expand on this a little. It's a real problem in society.
The ending is nice and sweet.
To be honest, I don't usually like poems that rhyme and are about a serious issue, but I can feel the emotion that went into it, and I think that's what made the difference. Keep working on it! I think it can be even better. Thank you for sharing.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
This is a beautiful piece of writing. It is heart-felt. It conveys a message. It leaves you thinking. You wrote where instead of were in the 12fth line from the top. You might receive some criticism about grammer, and the use of subject words. You may be able to write this in a way that shrouds the subject in mystery. I don't think you should change a thing. This is straight to the point. Cut and dry. It's perfect just the way it is.
I really don't want to review this because I know this came from a special place, but its our job.
It starts out depressing, but slowly turns lighter, I like that. The fact that she got away warms my heart. However, grammatical errors and poor rhymes (I assume you were going for a rhyming poem) bought this poem down a little. It feels like you didn't proof any of this. As always, great writing, hope to see more of your work.
Wow! What I can tell you right now is you are an amazing friend to your strong and brave friend! This'd own is so real and full of raw emotion. This is honestly this poem really shows your heart and how you feel, which is amazing.
This poem is well written. I think that this style worked really well for you. I think that you have managed to bring yor words to life and create a picture through your sea riptide and vivid words. Painting a picture with words can be hard for some people. But the picture you have created is outstanding.
While your poem is amazing there a few grammatical errors.
1. Just claiming that you where clumsy - it should be were instead of where
This happens again in paragraph 4 last line
2. Your my best friend forever - it should be: You're my best friend forever
I don't thin this happens again
Overall, amazing poem that really is inspirational and touching. Your friend in very lucky to have you and I hope that she gets better and that the abuse problem gets fixed. While you had minor mistakes, the actual poem was amazing!
When a friend tells you something like that sometimes it is hard to take. You kic yourself around for not realizing it. That is exactly how I felt when I found out a close friend of mine cut. But, I have learned to help her and do what you are doing and just be there for her. Be able to just be able to keep her from triggers, or just simply being there is sometimes enough. I give you credit for what you are doing. It's not easy. But I am glad that you are sticking with her.
I'm inspires by both of you guys and thanks sooo much for writing this poem! It was creative and very inspirational! Thanks again!!!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
First of all, I am so sorry about what happened. It must have been a painful notice.
You are a have great poet and you have a strong soul. You know how to put details in and tell your emotions at the same time. For that, I respect you. This brought me to tears and to do that to a reader is amazing. I hope go on to do great and keep writing because you have a gift.
-Cookie64