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Young Writers Society



Gardens of Eden: Chapter 3: Part 1

by RavenBlack


IVY

  “Next time, I won’t let you win!” Ivy vowed.

Adam laughed. He wore a grey CEO fighting game hoodie and sweatpants, his head covered with a black beanie. His stubbed beard and rugged features implied that he was older than Ivy, probably in his 20s. “That’s what you say every time and the result is always the same.”

  “Face it, we’re better than you,” Rose interjected. Her and Ivy were wearing flannels but she wore a green one and Ivy donned a black one.

  “Maybe at bowling but never at paintball!”

  “You want to test that theory?” Adam challenged.

  “You should be better than you’re brother at everything. I taught you after all,” Luciem said in a soft but harsh tone.

Ivy’s vibrant aura vanished, replaced with a solemn gaze. “Father I-”

Luciem glared at her through the rear view mirror, disappointed and silencing her inexcusable excuses.

  “Come now, Luciem, leave the poor girl alone, it’s just fun and games,” Eva defended, her pearl smile easing the pain of displeasing her father. “I’ll make you chocolate chip cookies when we get home, okay?”

Ivy caught Luciem’s cold stare in the mirror and retracted her smile. “I’m not a child, Mom, I don’t need cookies.”

  “Maybe she wants milk instead,” Adam mocked.

Ivy stretched over Rose and playfully hit Adam. “Stop it!”

The car radio hummed the tune: ‘Dance with the Devil’ by Breaking Benjamin as Ivy bickered with Adam and Rose in the back of the car. Eva and Luciem listened and watched the road in silence.

  “Why this song?” she moaned.

  “I think it suits us very well,” Luciem smirked.

Eva looked cautiously in the mirror at her children teasing each other. “When are we going to tell them, Luciem?” she whispered in French.

  “They don’t need to know, at least not Rose and Adam.”

  “You need to stop manipulating her morality; I don’t want her to end up like us.”

  “What I’m teaching her is necessary if she’s to survive. We have become-”

  “Gods among men,” she quoted, irritated. She’d heard him say that phrase so much, that it’d lost its meaning. “But even as Gods we are in hiding, always looking over our shoulders. Do you want her to live in fear?”

  “She should be afraid, because I’m her father.”

  “What are you talking about, Mom?” Rose asked.

  “Love,” she said in English and leaned over to share a passionate kiss with Luciem. Ivy rolled her eyes in disgust; Adam groaned in protest but Rose cheered them, admiring the love they share for the other.

Then – BAM!

A large truck crashed into their car, the impact sending it flying of the road and into the neighbouring park. Then more cars came crashing on top of them, one after the other, laying waste to the already destroyed car.

Death had its fill this night, but was denied a satisfying meal. The smell of fire whiffed under Ivy’s nose, waking her from her short slumber. She slowly opened her eyes, her vison hazy and inverted. She looked around to see her family’s corpse hanging lifelessly from their seats, her mouth dropped in horror. But there was no time to cry, the fire was slithering towards her.

Hastily, she unfastened her seatbelt and scurried through the broken window. But in an inch of her getting out the fiery snake bit the engine, and the car exploded, flinging Ivy into the air and slamming her into an apple tree.

Her head throbbed but she still belted out an antagonising scream as she watched the fire devour what was left of her family.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed over her, blocking her view of the fire. She raised her head and shook her head in dread when she realised who it was.

  “It’s been a long time hasn’t it – Ivy,” the icy voice belonged to her – a darker reflection of herself. Her hair was styled into an edgy pixie cut and she wore smokey make-up with black lipstick. She wore a black long jacket, black pants, a black blouse and laced boots.

  “Go away!” Ivy yelled.

  “No, not when I just broke free!” Poison Ivy smiled devilishly. “We have some much work to do.”

Ivy stood up, firm in her stance. “No, whenever you take control bad things happen to good people.”

  “Our parents’ murders are good people?”

  “No – yes-”

Poison Ivy held Ivy’s face in her cold hands. “If you don’t let me in, we can’t avenge them. Let me help you, you know you need me.”

Ivy slapped her hands away. “You’ll kill them!”

  “They killed them!” she bellowed, pointing at the inflamed car. Then she slapped her cheeks, turning her face hot red. “Wake up and smell reality! This wasn’t planned, you saw the evidence. You don’t think they’ll come after you when they find out that you’re alive?”

Tears streamed down Ivy’s face. “They don’t know I’m alive-”

“Oh they’re about to. Then all it takes is one bullet and-” she put down turn fingers to imitate a gun and put it to her head. “BANG!” Ivy jolted in fright. “You must be smarter, take action before they do. Or you’re next...”

Wake up.

Ivy heard the voice clearly but did it belong to?

Wake up.

  “It’s time for you to go,” she pointed her finger menacingly at Ivy. “Remember what I said.”

Ivy woke up with beads of sweat dripping down her brow, her hair was damp, and her back lay against the cold floor. Her vison was hazy like in the dream, a blurred figure sat over her.

  “You humans are impossible to deal with,” the voice moaned and it was then that she realized who it was.

Her sight immediately became clear and she lunged her hands at Damon’s neck, shoving him on his back as she mounted him and tightened her grip.

  “Good morning to you too,” Damon greeted, his voice croaky.

  “I told you not to leave me! I can’t bear to be alone! I-”

Damon pushed her to the side with little effort and she fell next to him. Scruff was sleeping soundly next to one of the sofas, not affect by the sudden outburst of noise.

  "Pathetic," Damon insulted as he stood up, Ivy remained seated, shocked by his sudden remark. "To think that you were something special but you're just like the rest of those puny humans - weak!"

Weak. That word hit Ivy hard. Her father always used to call her that, Poison Ivy had called her the 'embodiment of weakness'. Why did everyone underestimate her?

  "Don't call me that."

  "Afraid of the dark? Afraid to be alone? What are you, six? Grow up!"

Ivy jumped to her feet. "Shut up! You don't know what I've been through!"

  "I know you more than you know yourself, enough to know that you’re a failed prodigy! How does it feel to know that you're a disappointment to your father?"

Ivy smacked Damon across the cheek. "You dare speak of my father! You don't deserve to utter his name, you're nothing compared to him!" Ivy defended, rage in her heart. "I'm every bit his daughter and I'm your Master, you'd be wise to fix your tone."

Damon laughed. "You think you have power over me?" He walked towards her, his tall stature looming over her. "You may have the title of Master but until you earn it, it's just a word." Ivy shivered in fear but kept a straight face, not wanting to seem weak. "Be ready by 8."

After leaving his orders, Damon left the room, his footsteps echoing into silence.

Ivy clenched her fists in anger. "I'll earn it and when I do, no one will be safe."


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Thu Jun 08, 2017 2:27 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey RavenBlack! This has been sitting long enough in the Green Room and it's time for me to rescue it. I haven't read previous parts, so please ignore if I say something amiss.

So I liked the interactions in the car: the kids' talking, Ivy's tension with Luciem, and Eva trying to smooth things over. I feel as if the characters are developed pretty well. Rose and Adam seem pretty close to each other from their banter, Rose adores romance, and Eva wishes cookies would smooth things over, etc. I really like the characterization here and I think this is the strongest part of this excerpt. I think that character development has to go on ALL THE TIME, whether it's at the first sentence, the middle, or the climax.

The private conversation between Eva and Luciem sounds like a POV slip. Certainly Ivy is not supposed to hear it, right? And because overall I'm judging it as deep third, this threw me off. I know that this conversation is important to the reader, but it's risky to do that when deep third POV is already established. I'm not sure how to do this. Maybe have Ivy hear some snips of dialogue but she's not quite clear what they mean. The reader can piece together the clues, perhaps, and understand. If you intend omniscient POV (means it's told from an "outside" narrator who can dip into everybody's perceptions), I feel as if it should be set up more strongly and quickly than that.

Then – BAM!


I'm not fond of sound effects. Well, they are effective, I admit, but having a tone more quick-paced, snappy description can end up stronger in my opinion. All in all, the moment the truck struck the car shouldn't go overboard with details but perhaps just one or two strong sentences that briefly describe the impact from Ivy's (blurred?) point of view might work. Take my advice with grain of salt, because I'm not that sure.

I feel like the flow between scenes is awkward. The scene transition of "before car crash" and "right after" is stilted in my opinion. At least we know that Ivy woke up, but perhaps it may have done good to drop something along the lines of "Ivy blacked out". A scene break would be nice too. And I was a little confused when Ivy woke up to find Damon. I thought it was the same scene! So I think the biggest issue here is scene transitions.

I was a little confused as to why Ivy escaped unscathed without any injuries but the "Master" and "Poison Ivy" scenes made me think that perhaps it makes sense for her not to have injuries. If she's supposed to have them, maybe that would debilitate her (I mean, if she did survive, her injuries must be severe since the rest of her family died).

I really liked the last line of the chapter. It makes me think of an antihero and that's a really great hook. Damon seems to be a much stronger person than he actually shows, though Ivy is his Master.

Sorry for the ramble-y kind of review here! I hope this helped.

Image




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for saving the piece :-D Thanks for the review too, I've restarted my story and this will come in handy!



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Sun May 28, 2017 10:21 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Happy Review Day, RavenBlack! I'm going to type down my thoughts as I read this. :D

“Next time, I won’t let you win!” Ivy vowed.
I like your first sentence. It jumps straight into the action and tells me what's happening.

He wore a grey CEO fighting game hoodie and sweatpants, his head covered with a black beanie. His stubbed beard and rugged features implied that he was older than Ivy, probably in his 20s
It's cool to give some descriptions, but this is an information overload. Unless necessary for the plot you don't need to give the details at all. If you'd like me to know that he looks a certain way, reveal details as you progress with the story and not all at once.

“I’ll make you chocolate chip cookies when we get home, okay?”
When I think about it, this seems like a very in-character thing for her mother to say. But at the time I thought she was still talking to Luciem. Maybe add 'to Ivy, she said...' to the narrative or something along those lines.

Ivy stretched over Rose and playfully hit Adam. “Stop it!”
Their playfulness is so foreshadowing. Something awful is going to happen, isn't it?

Then – BAM!
I knew it. :P

Her head throbbed but she still belted out an antagonising scream as she watched the fire devour what was left of her family.
I don't know what combination of words made this happen, but the way you've written it is really effective. I could imagine Ivy's pain, hear her screams and see it all happening clearly. Great job.

Ivy woke up with beads of sweat dripping down her brow, her hair was damp, and her back lay against the cold floor. Her vison was hazy like in the dream, a blurred figure sat over her.
At first I didn't realise that time had passed. You need to indicate how far into the future, after the accident, the story is now set in. A week? A year? A decade?

Ivy clenched her fists in anger. "I'll earn it and when I do, no one will be safe."
I am now left with the understanding that the story will be about Ivy's journey to claim people's respect and come into her role as Master.

Thanks for sharing! Those are all my thoughts. :D




RavenBlack says...


Thanks so much for the review




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