God talked to me today

I meant bed, like she's a whore or something.

You know, working to put the bread on the table, bringing home the bacon, etc, etc.

Cameron wrote:I called my boss and quit my job;
The payment for my bread.

Some in-line suggestions:

God talked to me today,
I could tell he wasn't pleased.
He told me I should just stop it all,
Before I get diseased.

He said I shouldn't take the pills,
That made me feel like shit
He told me I could be happier.
For more than just a bit.

He said, 'I'm tellin' yah you'll be ok,
If you could only see.'
I laughed at this, and then I said,
'But God, you don't know me.'

He smiled and said 'That's where you're wrong,
I've held you all this time.
Through your times of sadness,
During all your crimes'

By the end, I knew that he was right,
So I did what he had said.
I called my boss and quit my job;
The payment for my bread.

Then I put down the pills I was taking,
Dumped the shit I was drinking,
Put out the ciggarette I was smoking.

Then I picked up my gun...

It was very good. It made me sad and obviously a lot of other people too, and that's good. It means you're getting a reaction from people, you're making them think and feel. I never expected that last line. I was all ready to say that it was too easy, and abrupt when they all of a sudden stopped the stuff they were doing.

I liked it... except it made me a little depressed because of the kind of mood. You're right the twist at the end does make the poem different from others. Keep it up!

Ciao

~~*Judi Patootie*~~

didn't like it, although i loved the twist at the end. if this was written better, then it would be an excellent poem. i didn't like the rhyming, didn't like the flow to it. it seemed very rushed, although the concept was there.

Well the dark depressing content was complimented with the jolly, rhyming meter. The two didnt go together well and contradicted each other... I also didnt feel power if their was irony intended.

Typo:

He said I should put down te pills,

I wanted the last stanza to have a different rhythm than the others.

Where's the typo?

It has some flow, then sometimes it doesn't. I'm never fond of these dark depressing poems because they tend to be all the same, though here you talk with God and I'll give you points for that, haven't seen that.

You should go over it, in one line you have a typo.

Try keeping a consistent pattern, it will make the poem flow better. The content was that usual, but with its own...sort of atmosphere.

You know, you don't need for everything to be bold

I see what you're saying...(and I remember you posting somewhere that you like morbid stuff! lol). It was a very sad poem, though! Keep writing!

Wiggy

Very good.

It made me sad though...

I agree, but I wanted a twist in the poem. People are always talking about predictable stuff, and I wanted to write something different.

Loved it to the very last line. Suicide is never the answer. Never. If you ever need to talk, please pm me!

Wiggy