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Young Writers Society



Alone and falling

by Raven


Always alone
Always in darkness
Never awake
Yet never asleep
I feel like I'm falling
Through both Ice and Fire.
*
No one knows what I'm going through,
Because no one knows how I feel.
Will someone wake me up?
Or will I be trapped in this prison?
All around me is swirling white mist,
All of my Thoughts, and my Hopes,
My Dreams, and Emotions.
*
Why didn't I do something about it?
Why did I keep it inside?
Will I be trapped in this darkness forever?
Alone with my emotions...

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114 Reviews

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Tue Aug 08, 2006 2:14 pm
David Guinness wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS, Raven!

It's interesting... I felt frustration when reading, similar to the frustration the narrator feels, but probably not for a reason you would prefer. For seventeen lines, the narrator states basically the same thing- "I am in the Pit of Despair, pulled between two worlds, and I can get no relief." A fair topic, but it's underdeveloped. I believe it is too static for your original intentions.

It has potential to be a fantastic poetic monologue, given the right development.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

- David -




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Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:37 am
Raven says...



xanthan gum wrote:You don't have to color the text, it's all right. Or put astriek's in between your stanzas, but all that's just preference.


Yeah I know but I like to




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Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:26 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



You don't have to color the text, it's all right. Or put astriek's in between your stanzas, but all that's just preference.

All of my Thoughts, and my Hopes,
My Dreams, and Emotions.

None of those need to be capatalized.

I found myself speechless upon reading it. I think if you expand your vocabulary and read a bit more poetry, you might develop some terms in this art.




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Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:24 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



Dearest Raven,


Welcome! I hope you find YWS hospitable and, further, beneficial to your personal musings and maturity.

As for the poem, I am left wondering: What is going on here? Does it matter so little that we are left out? Tch-tch.


All the best,
Brad





Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria