Published March 4, 2008
She pretends that she is fine
As she pulls on her mask,
And hides her heart from the world
Thats all it takes ,
And then no one notices.
How her heart cries out in pain
With every step she takes her
Body cringes,
Yet no on sees that there is more.
Everyone around her seems to think that she is alright
This was the plan,
Yet it hurts to keep pretending
So she wants to stop,
But knows she can’t.
If they saw her
They would turn away again.
No one would believe,
The stories she has to tell.
So she will keep fighting
She will keep walking on,
She has to find a way
To keep from falling down.
Her body’s getting weak
From standing so strong,
She was not meant to live
Her life this way.
Yet she fights all she knows,
So that she can keep what she thinks she needs
She is not sure what is right.
So she fights for what is in sight
Though it is a hard battle
She can not give up
Till the end
When she rests in Gods arms again.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
This is actually a well written piece.
I'm a little iffy about the lack of punctuation, not even the odd comma or full stop. Perhaps you could add some and so therefore this would add to the natural flow of someone who is reading it. Also, some lines have too many syllables, so mayeb cut these down.
I really loved the third line of stanza two. I know it's just really short and simple, but where you placed it really added some sort of effect, that I can't put my finger on. You also have a nice ending that really closes the whole poem up.
Good work!
Ginge
:]
First of all I have to tell you that I loved your poem because at this moment in my life I am that person you described in that poem.
I think you wrote with your heart and that is the most important thing. I had read interviews with authors that always try to tell people who wants to be writers to write with your heart, for me that is the key to writing, something that will touch others, you have done it this time. Keep on writing from your heart.
Abbie
Thanks, I fixed those
She pretends that she is fine
This is nice, I especially liked the end. Good work!
As she pulls on her mask
That hides her heart from the world
I think you should change it to either 'As she pulls on the mask/ That hides her heart from the world' or 'As she pulls on her mask/ And hides her heart from the world'
That’s is all it takes
And then no one notices
Either 'That is' or 'That's', since that's is the contraction of that is you're currently saying That is is. =P
^_^ Keek!