Ohana Means Family

by Rascalover

Published February 1, 2016

In Ohana Means Family

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Author's Note: I am currently transitioning a piece of fan fiction into a real novel to think about publishing it. Rip it apart! 

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Ohana Means Family

Chapter One:

Being in a coma was a lot like day dreaming. Reality doesn't matter, but sometimes it interrupts you. Isabella Johnson could feel every pinch and prick from her doctors and her family members. Her ears picked up on every noise from the beeping of the machines to the nurses chit chat about being stuck in a twelve hour shift on a sunny day to the secrets her friends and family passed to her because they thought she was stuck somewhere in nonexistence. Did they notice her heart speed up when she heard her favorite voice? If they did, would they notice it wasn't her long time lover, Mario Cruz? The choas she could hear growing louder out in the hall made her want to sleep so she didn't have to come to face with the consequences of her reality, but how do you fall asleep when you're already in physical somber eternity?

“This isn't right, Mario should be here.” Elijah Moore was pacing up and down the hallway. Would his cousin, ever get there?

A car accident on the highway is what caused this beauty to be laying in a hospital bed. Isabella was in such shock and tremendous pain, with three broken ribs and a head concussion clashing with scrapes and minor bruises, that the doctor sedated her into a coma like state, a medically induced coma. She had been peacefully driving along the interstate when someone came flying behind her; unable to hit the brakes in time, they rammed Isabella's car right into the concrete median. When the police found her broken and bleeding, they found her cell phone in the cup holder and immediately called the last person she was in contact with: Elijah Moore. Four hours later, and here Elijah was. He had finally gotten a old of Mario, who was rushing to get there.

Isabella had first met Elijah while working with a special education program for high school students during the summer in North East Ohio. Through multiple lunch breaks and long weekend nights, they became really good friends. Her heart almost broke in two when Elijah gave her the news that he was moving to Nashville to start a band with Mario and their friend Luke Ford; so after three years of agonizing wait, Isabella moved to Nashville herself. Did he really think she moved seven hours away from everything she knew just to be a bartender and travel through the United States?

Elijah sang at the bar she worked at every night Thursday through Monday, closed on Sundays. He seemed so naive, like he couldn't comprehend she would ever like him, so when he introduced her to Mario after her very first shift as a bartender, she was awestruck. Mario was sweet as molasses, tan as hawaiian bread, blue eyes as mysterious as the ocean, and had thick dark hair like every stereotypical italian she had ever seen on television. Of course she was physically attracted to his biceps and tongue charm, but that was all there was. After a year a half Isabella still wondered why she was dating someone she would never marry.

Mario had worked weeks on getting this little number into his bed, and he wasn't about to let some phone call ruin this moment for him. Turning his phone off, he dimmed the lights and stripped down to nothing but his satin red boxer shorts. He stretched out on the bed, waiting for his secretary to come out of the bathroom. Mario had been rubbing Ada's shoulders while they looked over paper work at his home computer in his master bedroom. When she stood and said she needed to freshen up in the bathroom, Mario thought for sure that this would be his shot, right before Isabella got home from work. Ada stepped from the bathroom and screamed. She spit on Mario, spewing multiple foreign cruse words at him as she gathered her things.

“Wait, wait, what happened? I thought you wanted this? Baby, calm down. Let's not ruin the evening. I've seen the way you look at me at work; you can't get enough.” Mario wrapped around her and tried to nibble her neck, as she pushed him away.

Ada's face was maroon with humility; slamming the front door, in her broken english she managed to call him a filthy pig. Mario sighed, leaning against the cool hallway wall just outside the frame of the door leading to the master bedroom Isabella and he shared. After a short, cold shower, he turned his phone back on to listen to his voicemail messages.

“Thank God,” Elijah said, as Mario ran towards him. A sweat had spread across Mario's forehead, and Elijah was sure he could sense the aroma of guilt reeking through Mario's strong cologne.

“Elijah, is she okay? I mean what have they said? What happened?” Mario's eyes grew wide as he peeked around Elijah to look into Isabella's room; his hands were trembling, and he had started a slight stutter.

“A teenage driver was going to fast on the highway. They didn't hit their brakes or switch lanes in time to avoid Isabella's car. She's in a lot of pain, so they have her sedated.” Elijah watched as Mario walked into her room alone.

Mario was only five foot and eight inches tall, his thick stalky body walked towards Isabella's room with hesitation. It was puzzling how insincere Mario seemed to Elijah. If that had been me I would have rushed to her side, no questions asked; Elijah snapped out of it as Luke shook his shoulders.

“Elijah, I said how is she? Will Belle be okay?” Luke asked, as Elijah lead him back to the waiting room to sit with Destiny, Luke's newlywed wife. They had to follow the hospital's policy of only one visitor at a time in Isabella's room.

“Things could be helluva lot worse by the way the police officers described the scene. She's in a lot of pain, but she's lucky to be alive.” Elijah explained in a professor like tone.

Mario's presence was barely noticed, as he walked back to the waiting room; he cleared his throat to speak, “Belle's doctor says they'll bring her out o the coma within a couple of days, if not by tonight...” His voice trailed off, sounding light years away.

No one knew what to say to Mario, as he retreated into his shell with an overglaze look about his face. He was acting distant and withdrawn, showing very little emotion. Grown men are stereotypically not supposed to show their feelings, but this was on the verge of crazy. Your true love, or as you put your mi amor, was just in a tragic car accident, show us that you care; Elijah stared at his cousin.

“Mario, I am so sorry. If you need anything you let us know, ya hear?” Destiny asked, showing her southern accent, something she tried desperately to hide.

“Guys, I'm fine. Just keep Belle in your prayers.” Mario furthered himself into the distance between his eyes and his brain, a placing of thinking but not thinking.

“Okay man, we're going to head home. Like Destiny said, if you need anything let us know; we're a short drive away.” Luke followed Destiny to the elevator to go down to the main floor, and out to the parking garage.

“How are you feeling? Want me to get you some dinner? I'm starved.” Elijah asked after a long silence.

“I can't even explain to you what I'm feeling right now. I almost... Man, I can't believe this happened.” Mario ran his fingers through his jet black hair; why is it so easy to cheat on her? I haven't stopped thinking about her since I listened to Elijah's voicemail, so why am I waiting to pounce on the nurse sitting at the information desk in the center of the hospital?

“You what?”

“It's nothing never mind. Go get some dinner. How long have you been here?” Mario sat back in the stiff, barely cushioned waiting room chair.

“No, hey, tell me what you were going to say.” Elijah sat his elbows on his knees and waited patiently for Mario to find a spark of courage to speak up.

“I was going to... I was going to tell Belle I needed a break. Things aren't working out. But, now I can't say anything. How would it look if we broke up while she was in need? People would think I'm a jerk.” Mario said, as he thought, I can't tell him how I almost cheated on Belle. At least this way, I can sneak in a break up. We were just fuck friends anyway, right?

“Wait, wait, wait! I thought... Everything looked fine. What happened?” Elijah's voice crescendoed before finally resting in a soft murmur.

“We can't stand to be in the same room for a few minutes without fighting or... well ya know. That's no life. She deserves more than just sex, and that's all I'm willing to commit to right now.” Mario felt a weight lifted off his chest, as he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. He was finally able to admit out loud what his heart had been telling him all along.

“Bro, if you know she's not happy either then I guess the right thing to do would be to end it. Of course you can't do it now. Or, I mean you could because if she's not happy with you...” Maybe she'll be happier with someone like... me, Elijah thought.

Mario's words shushed into the air like silk, as Elijah turned his thoughts to the very first time he met Isabella. She was just hired as a teaching aid. When Elijah walked into his classroom and was met with her excellent body and blazing smile it was all he could do to not turn and run in the opposite direction. Her beauty was overwhelming, and as he watched her helping a student tie his shoe, her intelligence and kindness blessed him as well. How could Mario just let her go? She was so special to Elijah, and they hadn't spent nearly as much time together as Mario and Isabella. Elijah hated going down this road in his thoughts because he knew he was stuck in the friend-zone; she looked to him for brotherly advice and comfort, not love and companionship.

Snapping him out of his daydream, Mario asked, “What am I supposed to do? You've always been good at giving advice, even when not needed.”

Elijah was silent for a hot second and said, “No matter when and where you do it, you're going to hurt her. You've guys have been together for a while and it'll be a big change for the both of you. I wouldn't do it while she was actually in the hospital, but I wouldn't wait too long to do after because it's not fair to lead her on.”

Mario leaned back, his head resting against the wall with his eyes closed. It would be so much easier to tell Isabella now, to get it over with while she can't hear the hurtful truth. Elijah could see Mario need time to think alone, so he walked back into Isabella's room.

Her once long, golden blonde hair was now shoulder length with clumps missing from the sides and it was saturated with dirt and oil. Elijah softly caressed her scraped and bruised face. His fingers trembled as he touched her skin, afraid to hurt her. He kissed her forehead, a line a friend shouldn't cross, but they were more friendly than that.

Death, murder, rape, kidnapping, a tragic event like an accident, you never imagine these things happening to you or your loved ones, but when they do your life seems to tumble down an ongoing spiral. Mario could blame this on his faith in Jesus Christ, or the lack there of, maybe if he had made better choices God wouldn't have allowed this to happen. Elijah knew about his infidelity long before Isabella had found out and even then she never brought it to Mario's attention. Elijah held Isabella's hand gingerly, effortlessly, and he couldn't imagine how that teenager's text message was worth more than his best friends life. He couldn't imagine life without her. He kissed her hand long and slow with soft, freshly chapsticked lips.  

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Feb 8, 2016

Hi Rascalover, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Note before you read the review. I don't want to come off rude or anything, but I am afraid I can't carry on reading the story, because I find is inappropriate and uncomfortable to read being quite young. It has nothing to do with your writing or that any of that, it is just that I found it a bit to old for me. I will review this chapter since I did read it and enjoy it for the most part. :D

Story: I feel like this is a really well written story. Everything fits together and nothing seems left out of story, so I don't have a lot of burning questions about who the characters are and what happened to them. For the most part the plot is really good as far as I can tell. I can defiantly see that this is well thought out and that you are a talented writer. :D

Characters: Your characters feel very real and their actions and emotions feel just right. Over all your character are very good. Your dialogue is absolutely perfect and you manage to put a lot of emotion into the dialogue and also into the emotion. This is some of the best, well rounded characters I have seen on the site so far. You should be proud. :D

Description: Your description is just as good as your characters and on the whole really help with the emotions as well. They don't feel over the top and fit into the story well. I can't see how I would make them any better. You truly are a great writer and I can defiantly see you getting this published some day. :D

Small problems: (He had finally gotten a old of Mario,) I think you meant to say (a hold).

One little suggestion. I found this story a bit inappropriate for me with a few themes running through it like the whole boy cheating on his girl and a few swear words. If I were you I would rate this a 16 because in my opinion this is what I would expect from 16 rated chapter.

Overall it was a great chapter and I am really sad that I can't read the rest. You should really try to get this published, because your writing in my opinion is flawless. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

Thank you so much for your honest review!! I wasn't quite sure what to rate this, but I'm glad you gave me kind of an idea for the upcoming chapters!!

User avatar
Sins
Review
Sins wrote a review Review · Feb 4, 2016

Hey Rascalover! :D

Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Lilo & Stitch was my everything, you don't understand.

So your AN really caught my intention attention (no idea why I initially typed intention, maybe I'm drunk). But yes, I don't know what it is but I have a huge fascination with novels that derive from fanfiction, so I look forward to reading this. I'll see if I can guess what this was based on originally (although probably not because I'm about as cultured as a slice of bread). Also, does this mean this is a completed novel? Or are you still in the process of writing it?

Anywho! Love your opening. Extremely interesting and drew me in immediately, so kudos. This was a relatively short chapter and so we only saw vague aspects of each of your characters, but despite that there's already heaps of exciting dynamics and tensions between them all. The love triangle scenario you've got isn't super original, but you've approached it in a fresh way, so that's good! Something I applaud you for here is not giving a hell of a lot away: it's unclear what the generally plot of this story will be, and I like that. It adds a sense of mystery and the need to know more, particularly as you've presented some pretty interesting character dynamics to us. I like how you've made Isabelle aware of what's going on in her coma too, it means she literally knows everything. I'm super eager to find out more, that's for sure!

One thing I want to bring up that's more on the technical side of the critique spectrum (which is totally a thing) is some of your transitions from scene to scene. Occasionally, they were quite jumpy and random. By that, I mean it sometimes took me a few sentences into a paragraph to realise we had moved from one setting to another, from one situation to another e.t.c. Let me give you two examples:

...Of course she was physically attracted to his biceps and tongue charm, but that was all there was. After a year a half Isabella still wondered why she was dating someone she would never marry.

Mario had worked weeks on getting this little number into his bed, and he wasn't about to let some phone call ruin this moment for him. Turning his phone off, he dimmed the lights and stripped down to nothing but his satin red boxer shorts...


...After a short, cold shower, he turned his phone back on to listen to his voicemail messages.

“Thank God,” Elijah said, as Mario ran towards him. A sweat had spread across Mario's forehead, and Elijah was sure he could sense the aroma of guilt reeking through Mario's strong cologne...


Let's look specifically at the top one. One moment we're (sort of) in Isabella's head, and then all of a sudden we're watching Mario strip off. Do you see how it's quite sudden? Don't get me wrong; I don't expect you to lay out each scene perfectly with intricate descriptions of everything, but some sort of set up is always a good idea. Otherwise scene changes such as these examples can throw a reader a little because they weren't expecting it, particularly when they're quite different to the scene before. Plus I think part of the issue with that specific example is time chronology (if that makes sense, I don't know if I've used chronology right there, not gonna lie). Basically, what I'm saying is this scene with Mario trying to cheat on Isabella happens before/during the accident, but we've already been in the point of time after the accident, so the chronology is backwards. Err, does that make sense?

Something not-so-technical that caught my eye is Elijah's reaction to Mario's response to the situation. Why is he so critical of Mario's distant behaviour? Behaving like that is a pretty normal reaction to this kind of news; some people shut off and can seem very cold as a coping mechanism to this kind of situation. I realise that's not actually the case here with Mario, but how does Elijah know that? I don't know, he just seems too suspicious of Mario's response, y'know? I understand why he'd be a bit like, "Mario's oddly chilled about all this," but his reaction to this at the moment seems a tiny bit over the top, to me anywho. I'd suggest maybe toning down his surprise, shock, offence e.t.c. in regards to Mario's calmness, just a little.

The only other thing that stood out to me here is the POV situation of this. You tend to show a fair amount of internal character thought, and you switch POV a lot. Not in a 1st person novel sense of directly switching from one character's internal voice to another, but in terms of focusing the attention on specific characters because hey, 3rd person narratives technically have POV's too. It can be a little distracting, and somewhat confusing. This is kind of a personal taste thing, but in 3rd person POV writing I prefer for there to be a clearer 'main character', and if there are any POV changes, for it to be chapter-based i.e. this chapter would be in Isabella's POV, the next in Elijah, yada yada yada. You generally have quite a1st person POV feel to this, despite it being a 3rd person pice, actually. Part of me is tempted to suggest you try writing in 1st person. I don't know, that's a bit of a weird critique, so please take it with a pinch of salt :P

Anywho, I think that's it. Negatives aside, you definitely have something with uber loads of potential here. This chapter feels a little jumpy to me at the moment, with the POV switches and the sudden scene switches, and I think that if you tweak those this will be pretty great. Please do let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, particularly if I've made no sense. Also, I see you've posted the second chapter! I'm going to check that out soon, for sure.

Keep writing

xoxo Skins

Love Lilo and stitch! And, for your sanity's sake: I based this first novel off of Rascal Flatts Fanfiction. Yes this is a finished novel. I'm just elongating and tweaking it and switching from Rascal Flatts characters to real people characters. It's been nine years in the making. Whew. It's officially my baby. Thanks for your lovely review!! I hope you review chapter two, but all up to you!

Sins replied · Feb 5, 2016

Ah, I see! Nine years? No way, that's super cool. I'll definitely check out chapter two (and any other chapters you post) :)

DivergentDemigod wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

YOU KILLED IT !!! and when I say this I mean it (literally you sort of almost killed that girl) ... I loved the way you described the whole just-got-out-of-a-car-accident scene. You just punched me in the gut with all this emotional thing... Anger, pain, love, frustration, longing, pitty...I could feel each and every emotional you wrote about (and that's something that I look for while reading) Mario is a jerk and I pretty much guessed it in the first paragraph when you used the whole heart racing thing. I like elijah. He seems to be understanding, caring , loving, sensible and overall a good person. personally I would like to know his reactions when he got that call (it would be better if he throws a fit like oh-god-my-bestfriend-just-got-in-an-accident-what-should-i-do kind of fit but then again its your story and I m no one to instruct you but as a reader it would be fun to get to know his reactions) I really liked "friend zone" thing you used.
I hope that Isabella finds true love ( I can see that coming soon...)

And hey wait !!! It was Elijah voice that caused Isabella's heart ot race. Right? ( lie if I'm wrong).

Hope to read the next chapter soon(don't forget to pm me when its over)
Fangirl~

P.S.- YOU KILLED IT !!!(literal) and post soon

Thank you soooo much!!! And maybe it was Elijah's voice... You'll have to read more to find out :)

DivergentDemigod commented Comment · Feb 2, 2016

User avatar
KaiRyu
Review
KaiRyu wrote a review Review · Feb 1, 2016

Okay, I love the discriptions and personally love the action and suspense. I'm not a fan of the love type thingies but it's still very good. I've only found one grammar error and here it is, “Belle's doctor says they'll bring her out o the coma..." You just put an o instead of an out or off or of or whatever word starts with an o. I don't like the fact that Mario almost cheated on her, but if that's the way you want to write, it's awsome by all means. LadyRanicorn out!!!:)

Thank you so much! :)



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— Nate